Sarah Palin
Will Sarah Palin be on hand for the Republican National Convention in Cleveland next year?
(Charlie Neibergall, Associated Press file photo)
The 2016 GOP presidential convention will be held in Cleveland, and the city's preparations are in full swing: Public Square is being transformed into a shaded, walkable green space, hotel rooms are being added, and cab drivers have vowed to learn at least a few words of English.
The convention's a nice boost for a city that was once the butt of more jokes than Kim Kardashian's butt. We who live and work here know that in spite of decades of population loss, Cleveland has become a vibrant hub of art, music, cuisine, theater, tourism and sports. It's an epic renaissance, but without the tights and feathered hats.
I thought Cleveland was an odd choice for the GOP. We're a majority Democratic city. Our mayors have been Democrats since 1990, with only two Republicans holding the office since 1942. Once we even elected Dennis Kucinich, but then held a recall election, the first in the city's history. We're Democrats, not lunatics. Later we sent him to Congress where his one vote out of 535 couldn't do much harm.
So why is the GOP coming to Cleveland? A few reasons come to mind. Ohio's governor, John Kasich, is a Republican. We're a swing state that tips presidential elections. And by spending money in a Democratic stronghold, they might engender some goodwill votes. Well, the votes that the Ohio Republicans haven't suppressed, though not for lack of trying.
But if we want to make the GOP feel really welcome, maybe we should do a lot more than plant some trees and put up a few banners. After all, our city has become younger and more vital, whereas the Republican Party has gotten older and crankier. Let's face it -- their median age is somewhere between assisted living and "Hand me my Jitterbug, Mabel. I want to call 'The Rush Limbaugh Show.' " I think we should go all-out and transform Cleveland into a Republican Paradise. I have a few suggestions.
1. Change the big Free Stamp in Willard Park to read Get Off My Lawn.
2. Replace the giant LeBron James canvas on the Sherwin-Williams Building with one of Ronald Reagan.
3. Call every restaurant's No. 3 lunch "The Jeb."
4. Let Marco Rubio step up to the mound at an Indians game and throw out the first Hillary Clinton lie.
5. Start referring to the Christmas Story House as the War on Christmas Story House.
6. Take the red out of the Chief Wahoo logo so it resembles Ted Cruz even more.
7. Induct Lawrence Welk into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
8. Change the name of Pierre's French Vanilla ice cream to Pierre's Freedom Vanilla ice cream.
9. Let them vote for which of the runners-up for the nomination will be the next Browns quarterback.
10. Start referring to 1 percent milk as Republican milk.
Will any of that and the city's efforts work? Will Ohio turn Red out of love for Republicans or turn red from embarrassment?
I can't predict which candidate will get the nod in 2016 or who will be awarded the state's electoral votes. What I do know is that their speeches will be long, boring and filled with blather that lacks substance. And there won't be much comic relief, unless Sarah Palin is asked to say a few ill-chosen words. Perhaps she can give the convention a history lesson about our city's Jewish roots because it was founded by a guy named Moses after he rode through the countryside shouting, "The Egyptians are coming! The Egyptians are coming!"
We can only hope.
Paul Giglia has written for national and local television shows, magazines and newspapers, and for such comedians as Jay Leno and Bill Maher. He lives in Berea.