FAMILY

They key to lifelong marital happiness

Melissa Erickson More Content Now

Hoping for the happiest of marriages? Be sure to wed your best friend. That’s the main takeaway from a study on marital satisfaction released in January by the National Bureau of Economic Research.

Married people tend to be happier, healthier and better off economically than unmarried people, but scientists have long wondered why. Would these people be just as happy if they hadn’t married? Do happier people tend to get married more often than unhappy people? That’s what the study, “How’s Life at Home? New Evidence on Marriage and the Set Point for Happiness,” looked into.

Finding a ‘super friend’

The study used data from the British Household Panel Survey, the United Kingdom’s Annual Population Survey and the Gallup World Poll, and for the first time researchers controlled for pre-marital happiness.

Being married to a “super friend” brings about long-term happiness in a number of ways, said co-author John Helliwell of the Vancouver School of Economics at the University of British Columbia, Canada. First of all, the level of happiness begins to ramp up long before the marriage occurs and extends far beyond “the honeymoon phase,” Helliwell said.

“Once you find your super friend, essentially the benefits can last forever,” he said.

That’s especially helpful when couples reach middle age and the stresses of work and kids begin to weigh them down. Having a supportive friend to talk to will help a couple weather life’s tough spots. Having a best friend as a marriage partner gives a couple “the ability to face things together,” Helliwell said.

Fewer midlife crises

Consider life’s happiness as a U-shaped bend. We start out high, but as the glow of youth fades, it’s common to experience a dip commonly referred to as a midlife crisis, followed by a swing back up as we trade looks and vitality for true happiness. A friend can help cushion that dip so that “the married have a less deep U-shape in life satisfaction. Being married helps protect against midlife crisis,” Helliwell said.

It’s the friendship partnership that allows a marriage to thrive — not romantic love or lust, Helliwell said. Couples who said they are married to their best friends reported levels of happiness that were twice as large as those who didn’t, Helliwell said.

“What’s intriguing is that it’s really all about friendship. Friendship is the important part,” he said.

It’s also not the legally binding piece of paper.

“It’s more the social aspect than the legal status,” Helliwell said. Long-term partners who lived together were nearly as happy as those who were legally married, the study found.

Despite the benefits of marriage, fewer people are marrying these days, and when they do wed, it comes later in life. A quarter of today’s young adults will have never married by 2030, which would be the highest share in modern history, according to the Pew Research Center.

Building a friendship

Ideally, you married your best friend, but that’s not always the case. To help build a better friendship with your spouse, social worker Debra Roberts, author of “The Relationship Protocol: How to Talk, Defuse and Build Healthier Relationships,” offers the following tips:

Q: If you and your spouse have a disagreement, what’s the best way to talk about it?

A: The best way to talk about a disagreement is to be sincere and state your positive intentions up front, such as: “I want to get along with you. I don’t want to fight about this. You’re important to me, how can we resolve this problem together?” Be kind and let them know that you value them and want to find a reasonable resolution to the disagreement.

Q: Are there times when a spouse should keep some things in rather than blurting out something hurtful?

A: First off, blurting is probably never a good thing, as there’s no thought behind it. I’d say as soon as you realize you’ve blurted something hurtful, your next move should be an apology. In healthy relationships, you don’t want to be intentionally hurtful, but instead, be aware of the other person’s feelings and speak to them in a more considerate way. There are better ways to bring up sensitive topics: Think ahead about what you want to say. How do you want them to feel when the conversation is over? Start with the positives and the rest will follow.

Q: How important is it to say thanks to your spouse, even for everyday tasks?

A: Everyone wants to feel appreciated in their marriage. The best way to approach this topic is to make sure your spouse knows that you appreciate what they do and let them know that they matter to you. If they make your life better, easier, etc., every day — tell them.

Q: Any other tips for keeping communication open?

A: Value your partner and your relationship. You are both on the same team. It’s never about winning, being right or making your point, its about having a healthy and strong relationship. Focus more on being the best partner that you can be.