Year Of The (Russell) Re-Brand: Seven Candidates For An Image Makeover In 2015

1) Russell Brand

The comedian-turned-activist is getting in everyone’s hair with his campaigns against the iniquities of the global financial system but his message is getting sidelined. Last month, Brand put the London headquarters of Royal Bank of Scotland into a security lockdown after turning up with a camera crew to quiz chief executive Ross McEwan about bankers’ responsibility for the 2008 crash. What went viral, however, was not the planned grilling but a lengthy public letter from a RBS analyst complaining that the protest had cost him his lunch. Brand’s reply, offering the man replacement rations, sparked Paella-gate. There’s even a Facebook group calling for him to be Britain’s Prime Minister but Brand needs to be careful. Look what happened to Michael Moore. And he also already has the problem of Brand dilution, with a capitalist alternative cunningly named Russell Brands, a Berkshire Hathaway subsidiary selling sports equipment. As usual, Warren Buffett got there first.

2) Dixons Carphone

Even before Carphone Warehouse merged with Dixons Retail last year, the company’s name was a problem. Founded in 1989 with £6,000 of savings, the firm had become Britain’s leading independent mobile phones retailer but no longer sold carphones and didn’t have any warehouses. Its merger partner, meanwhile, is an old hand at branding changes. The high street electrical goods retailer was founded under the Dixons name in 1937 but changed name to DSG International in 2005 for reasons that nobody quite remembers. Five years later it reverted to Dixons Retail. The merger compounds the branding dilemma. Who is Dixon, why has he left his mobile in his vehicle and where is the missing apostrophe (or does nobody care about that nowadays)?

3) Penguin Random House

Another merger, another clumsy amalgamation of two famous names. When Penguin Books, founded in 1935 by Allen Lane,  announced its merger with Random House, dating back to 1027, neither company wanted to lose their illustrious imprints.  The solution was to bolt the names together but there was a much more popular alternative emgered on social media sites that would not have required any bills to have been paid to branding consultants. Step forward: Random Penguin.

 4) Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac

An eccentric grandmother and her wayward hamburger salesman nephew? No, but who outside America knows that Fannie Mae was once called the Federal National Mortgage Association and has much clue about what the company actually does? Founded during one Great Depression in 1938, the government-sponsored enterprise was so heavily battered by the global financial crisis of 70 years later that it was taken under the conservatorship of the Federal Housing Finance Agency (mercifully not nicknamed Fifi). It is still the leading source of residential mortgage credit in the US secondary housing market and its name might just have become bearable but for its relatives Freddie Mac (the Federal Home Loan Mortgage Association) and Ginnie Mae (the Government National Mortgage Association). Somebody please put an end to all this nonsense.

5) Auntie Beeb

Nobody quite seems to know why the BBC still has the branding of a absent-minded auntie but the state-owned British broadcaster even refers to itself under this nickname now, putting out programmes of TV blunders under the title “Auntie’s Bloomers”. The Beeb part was coined by the late Peter Sellars in the 1950s, when he called the British Broadcasting Corporation the “Beeb, Beeb, Ceeb” on The Goon Show. Auntie came later, perhaps as a shortening of “Auntie Knows Best” to remind Brits of the Government ownership of their pre-eminent television channel. Or perhaps critics like it because it allows them to remind UK TV licence payers that there’s a figure that always has its hand in their pocket, like America’s Uncle Sam. Let’s just hope the two never get married.

6) Clear Channel

Named after an American AM radio broadcasting channel, this media giant might be thought to have solved its identity problem with the takeover of parent company CC Media Holdings by iHeartMedia and subsequent rebranding under its new owner’s name. However, the group’s advertising operations are subject to the industry’s usual alphabet soup, which is why Clear Channel UK (CCUK) and its parent Clear Channel International (CCI) form part of a company with operations in 44 countries that’s still called Clear Channel Outdoor Holdings (CCO). The good news for those interested in naming purity is that CCO’s European assets are up for sale. The bad news is that the leading contender is French rival JCDecaux. Don’t expect this one to get any less lost in translation any time soon.

7) TIAA-CREF

Take a deep breath. Teachers’ Insurance and Annuity Association-College Retirement Equities Fund is a Fortune 100 financial services organisation that claims to be the leading retirement provider for people working in the academic, research, medical and cultural fields. Serving 3.9m active and retired employees at more than 15.000 US institutions, it has more than $2.6 trillion of assets under management. So why does it have such an unmemorable, unpronounceable and unattractive name? The answers are not half as interesting as the question but one only has to look at the organisation’s history to find some alternatives. Who was TIAA’s founder? One Andrew Carnegie. And its most famous participant? Albert Einstein. Now just name a branding consultant who couldn't work magic with that.

What do you think needs rebranding in 2015? Do let me know your ideas.