1. You don't have the energy to actually go to bars and meet new people.
Unless you can get him shipped directly to your house off Amazon Prime, it's not happening.
2. Even when you do, you get tired long before last call.
You go home and go to bed approximately 3 hours before the mating dance truly begins.
3. And it doesn't make you feel like a loser.
Because you know you don't have to hang out in a dark club pretending to enjoy weird beeping robot music in order to get laid.
4. His grown-up qualifications actually matter.
Does he know what a 401K is? Does he wake up before noon? Is his place a 7-roommate shithole?
5. It's exponentially less cool that a guy is in a band.
Because all that really means is you'll have to go to all his shows (see #1).
6. Guys in their early twenties start seeming like teenagers to you.
You'll inevitably wind up yelling at him to wash the dishes once in awhile.
7. You won't just have an impulsive one-night stand without being prepared.
Sleep with your CONTACTS IN? Hell, no.
8. You'll insist on getting yours in the sack.
No more one-sided or faked orgasms—after all, you're not 22 anymore.
9. Even if it requires the use of a vibrator during sex.
Which is very, very common, by the way.
10. And if he's got a problem with vibrators, or he's generally selfish in bed, that's a deal-breaker.
No matter how hot he is.
11.You no longer think of it as a Walk of Shame.
Now it's pretty much a victory lap.
12. If a guy flakes on one date, he's pretty much dead to you.
Unless he proves otherwise, you know better than to waste your time.
13. Arrogance is no longer appealing.
That phase where you only liked guys who treated you like shit? Over. Thank God.
14. You don't immediately dish to your friends about a new guy you're dating.
First of all, he might just be a two-date blip. Secondly, all your friends are too busy Gchatting you all the wedding dresses they're choosing between.
15. Asking a guy to be a date to your friend's weekend wedding becomes the new passive-aggressive litmus test of his commitment level.
"You don't HAVE to go, it's not a big deal, it just might be fun."
16. You can't just get hammered and forget to drink water and make out outside a bar anymore.
Not without waking up the following morning feeling like you got hit by a truck, anyway.
17. Men in their mid-thirties become viable dating prospects.
Rather than, like, "old guys."
18. So do divorced men.
Hello, baggage.
19. And men with KIDS.
Young kids! But still.
20. You really start relying on your mom's judgment, since she was right about all those awful guys in your early twenties.
She's a smart lady.
21. You'll insist on splitting the check.
Because you are a Modern Woman, and also because you've learned the valuable lesson that guys pretty much expect sexual favors when they buy your drinks for you, and screw that.
22. Going to Bed Bath & Beyond together is the new foreplay.
