When a brave "American evangelist, internet and social media personality" took on Starbucks for the company's decision to remove the sacred Christian symbols known as "snowmen" from its coffee cups earlier this month, many still thought the battle for caffeine-based piety was restricted to the earthly plane. They were wrong. The gun-toting Freedom Fighter for Jesus who's also really concerned about the whole gay thing was not the first to strike a blow against the Seattle-based coffee chain. A year earlier, as part of the 2014 edition of the War on Christmas, the Dark Lord himself, Lucifer, entered the body of an ignorant latte-drinker at an Austin, Texas, Starbucks to show him and his bros that there are soul-endangering consequences for removing snowflakes from a coffee cup.
This just-recovered video (OK, it was uploaded to YouTube last year) appears to show a group of 20-something Texans conducting an exorcism outside a state capitol branch of the Devil's coffee shop. You can tell it's an exorcism because they're all chanting in Old Testament verbiage while touching their friend's shoulders. Meanwhile, he seems to be spitting up meekly into the PLAIN RED SATAN CUP they're holding against his chin. It's unclear whether he's throwing up the Devil Himself or if he's kind of lactose intolerant and totally shouldn't have gotten that latte.
There's also a chance that, in an M. Night Shyamalan-style twist, the guy in the white shirt watching ever-so-creepily in the corner is actually the Archangel Gabriel, who everyone knows digs on a white polo. That would actually be better than the alternative, where he's a real, conscious human being overseeing an exorcism outside a Starbucks.
Regardless of the details, one thing is for sure: The War on Christmas has transcended us all. It is now a clash of the titans, a battle of wits and will between Howard Schultz and the Devil.
[H/T Raw Story
Jack Holmes is a senior staff writer at Esquire, where he covers politics and sports. He also hosts Unapocalypse, a show about solutions to the climate crisis.
