PLATT: Black and Blue Friday

Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample each other for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

As I sit down to hack out this rant, it is “Black Friday” which is the craziest shopping day of the year. Actually, for many big-box outlets, Black Friday starts on Thanksgiving Thursday and runs for the rest of the week. There is “Small Business Saturday” where patrons are encouraged to visit local main street stores; “Super-Sale Sunday” where people skip church and worship the almighty discount sales; “Cyber-Monday” where they look for items online that were sold out in the mall; “Two-for-one Tuesday” where they double up to catch up; “Weepy Wednesday” where they count up their receipts; and “Thirsty Thursday” where they visit their local pub to drown their regrets. Then on Friday, the Christmas sales will start up.

Unlike Corsicana, there are about 40 shopping centers and malls here in Sarasota County. I think my paper has advertising inserts from every one of these outlets plus individual adverts from specialty stores. I am sitting here looking at a stack of inserts from my paper that is at least three inches high. I have Thursday and Friday “doorbusters” from Target, Toys R Us, hhgregg, Bealls, GameStop, Petsmart, Rooms To Go, Lowe’s, Best Buy, Sears, Kohl’s, JC Penney, KMart, Petco, Big Lots, Macy’s, Office Depot/Office Max, Stein Mart, The Home Depot, Bed Bath & Beyond, Wal-Mart, Sports Authority, Staples, and Dick’s (no relation) Sporting Goods, just to name a few.

Of course, I am getting a ton of advertisements for Black Friday over the Internet — even some specials from Wells Fargo banking and Makers Mark bourbon. Who knew that car dealerships had “Black Friday” sales but I have a bunch of flyers that say they do. Of course, the furniture stores and TV and appliance sales are rampant. I’ve even got an offer from a huge furniture store that offers free recliners and ottomans with the purchase of a sectional sofa. Plus, listen to this, they offer no down payment, free delivery, and 60 months payments with no interest. How can you pass that up?

Many of these stores start their “Black Friday” sales on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day. The rest of the outlets open at 6 a.m., and they remind shoppers to set their alarms. Of course, many of them will have folks camped outside waiting for the “doorbuster” sales to begin. Crazy!

Many of these stores are advertising items on sale from 20 percent to 60 percent off. It makes one wonder how inflated the original prices were to be able to offer such “deep discounts” and we should realize it is a scam and we should be outraged that they overcharged us those other 364 days of the year.

A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain with merchandise much like his own, opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read, “Best Black Friday Deals.” He was horrified when another competitor opened up on the other side and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading, “Lowest Black Friday Prices.” The small business owner was in a panic until he got an idea. He put up the biggest sign of all over his business which read, “Main Entrance.”

It’s “Black Friday” in a crowded mall when a man walks up to very beautiful woman and says, “Please don’t think I’m being forward but I seem to have lost my wife somewhere here in the mall — so would you please talk to me for just a few minutes?” “Why would I want to do that?” the woman replied, getting a little nervous and apprehensive. The stranger replied, “Please humor me and talk to me because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Picture this — it’s 6 a.m. on “Black Friday” and there is a long line of surly folks lined up for the opening of a sporting goods store. A little old man pushed his way to the front of the line and was immediately shoved to the back of the line amidst a torrent of loud and profane curses. Undeterred, the little guy attempted once again to get in at the front of the line. This time, he was not only roughly jostled to the back of the line, but some joker suker-punched him on his jaw and knocked him down. The little old guy slowly got back on his feet, brushed himself off, and then said to the fellow at the end of the line, “OK, that’s it! If I get hit one more time, I won’t open the store!”

Things had been pretty hectic at the drugstore, so the owner took a long lunch break and left his new clerk in charge. When the pharmacist came back he noticed a pale looking gentleman leaning heavily against the front window of the store. He went inside and asked the clerk if he knew what the story was on the guy leaning against the window. The clerk explained, “He wanted something for his bad cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once.” “You idiot,” shouted the pharmacist angrily, “a laxative won’t cure a cough!” “Sure it will,” the clerk said, pointing at the poor soul out front, “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”

See ya...

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Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. His column appears on Tuesdays.