Guest Column: Did you hear the one about Main Street?

Nearly 10 years after a fire near the foot of Main Street in Annapolis left us with an empty lot, an official-looking sign has appeared suggesting that something may be in the works. In more recent years it has been an underused vest-pocket park, with a half-dozen metal benches and a hopscotch court. Good enough, but nowhere near a home run. So, with the city’s needs at heart, and tongue tucked firmly in cheek, let me offer a few suggestions for how that lot can be put to use, should it remain available. Your own ideas are solicited: The best will be forwarded to a yet-to-be-chosen city official as punishment for a yet-to-be-named misdeed.

The empty lot should become:

*Main Street’s 49th T-shirt shop. We’ve lost a couple over this past year and it really hurts.

*A modest memorial to the Army football team, in recognition that while they don’t stand a chance against Navy, we do appreciate their service to our country.

*A New Year’s Eve countdown-type clock, operating 24/7/365, ticking off the number of shopping days until Christmas. If this plan should get adopted, we’ll have to hop to it: We’ve already lost a couple of weeks.

A Dog-a-ramaTM franchise. This amazing spa/restaurant for dogs and their human companions would be a natural for Annapolis and drive yet more business downtown, generating untold millions in tax revenue.

A formal gathering place for the street musicians who’ve taken to swarming downtown every summer. The two who are competent would be allowed to perform closest to the street. The remaining 42, trending heavily to 15-year-olds nursing Bob Dylan self-images, would be confined to the rear of the lot.

An earplug shop, open only when the Blue Angels are in town.

An overflow public protest area, for groups that want to petition the legislature but find that Lawyers Mall has already been booked.

*A crab race track, in which tourists could have fun betting on their favorite crabs, generating income for Annapolis and subtly positioning the city to be next in line when the legislature approves more casinos. Losing crabs would be made available, properly seasoned, a couple of doors down, at Buddy’s.

A ballpark for a very, very, very Little League.

If the bay’s waters continue to rise, a new location for the Harbormaster’s office.

For the locals, a combination hardware store, clothing store (you know, things like socks and underwear), shoe repair shop and barber shop. Sigh.

A boat show, homecoming, parents’ weekend and graduation breakfast overflow site for Chick & Ruth’s.

A drop-off day care center/holding pen available to tourist parents whose children are having impossible sugar rush meltdowns from all that candy, fudge and ice cream. At $20 an hour, we’ll make a killing and may not have to go the crab race/casino route.

A 27-story commercial parking garage. While historic preservationists would likely object, zoning attorneys and consultants will be able to produce a convincing case for the facility actually creating a new and exciting streetscape that they’re amazed we’ve been able to live without.

A temporary repository for the bricks that are dislodging up and down Main Street.

A Drunken Sot Medical ClinicTM for bar-going youths who, as they grow toward maturity, have not quite made it there yet.

Although it has a slight possibility of running into opposition on the part of the Historic District folks as well, a cell tower. Resistance might be overcome, however, with the guaranteed inclusion on the tower of a flashing “Visit Historic Annapolis ” sign. It would launch a tasteful and patriotic fireworks display on the hour.

In that jousting is the state sport, and Annapolis the state capital, a jousting stadium. Given the space limitations, however, the horses would have to be Labrador retrievers, and the riders Annapolis chickens.

David Prosten runs a small publishing company in downtown Annapolis. He can be reached at dprosten@yahoo.com.