John Marlatt’s Offseason Plan
It is my first day as the new General Manager of the Detroit Tigers. I stride confidently through the doorway of the Tigers front office. I've been up all night pounding Red Bull's and watching Draft Day and Moneyball on repeat. I'm ready to do some work. I've hired Paul DePodesta away from the Browns for the sole purpose of fetching me coffee and performing various other menial tasks as assigned. While I wait for him to arrive with my first cup of the morning I begin rebuilding the franchise.
Arbitration-eligible players
- Jose Iglesias: $3.2 million
- Nick Castellanos: $2.8 million
- Justin Wilson: $2.7 million
- Andrew Romine: $1.2 million
- Alex Wilson: $1.2 million
- Bruce Rondon: $900,000
Sign every one of them.
Contract options (pick up or buy out)
- Cameron Maybin: $9 million option, $1 million buyout
- Francisco Rodriguez: $6 million option, $2 million buyout
Pending free agents (re-sign or let go)
- Erick Aybar: made $8.5 million in 2016
- Jarrod Saltalamacchia: made $8 million in 2016
- Casey McGehee: made $1.1 million in 2016
Trades
As DePodesta begins to shine my shoes in earnest, I pick up the phone and get the Dodgers on the horn. I send Ian Kinsler and a prospect to the Dodgers for Kenta Maeda.
I pause to admire Paul's work.
Next I get the Phillies on the phone. I hand the phone to Paul and force him to make up some statistical nonesense that will convince the non-analytically inclined Phillies front office that Sanchez is due to bounce back. It involves a completely fabricated stat I force Paul to refer to as "The Cheesesteak Quotient". I also offer Justin Wilson. In return I agree to pay 6 million of Sanchez's salary and they send over second baseman Cesar Hernandez and catcher Cameron Rupp who played well enough last year, but their catcher of the future Alfaro knocks at the door like a man you owe money to and he knows you're home.
Talk of Cheesesteaks has made me hungry. I send Paul out to get me some lunch.
Next stop is the New York Mets. Yoenis Cespedes appears ready to opt out of the remainder of his contract, and left field needs a body. Justin Upton is just the guy they need. I move Upton to New York for Curtis Granderson and the final year of his contract as well as first base prospect Dominic Smith thus saving a few bucks and bringing Dirty Curty back to the motor city as the new left fielder.
I sit back and stare out the window of my office. I release a long satisfied exhale. DePodesta offers his congratulations. I tell him to be quiet.
Free Agents
To this point, if my calculations are correct, I've cut payroll by about 27 million. I'd like to acquire some relief help because the bullpen is always a smorgasbord of unanticipated disaster. With the depth of the reliever market I choose to wait until other guys get snatched up and I can offer some money to a few players for cheap.
There are two signings I do know that I want to make.
First, I get on the phone with Mike Aviles and tell him I thought he got a raw deal. I tell him I want to offer him a 1.5 million dollar one-year deal to come back, and I'd like him in Detroit to announce it live the next day. He agrees. I also make another call to a mystery player (who will be revealed momentarily) and secure his services for 1 million for the next year.
I spend the rest of my work day forcing Paul DePodesta to prank call Billy Beane with bogus trade offers and various childish moneyball related taunts. I will later learn that this causes Billy Beane to destroy his office and set fire to the A's facilities. It will lead to the end of his tenure in Oakland.
The next day Aviles arrives at Comerica Park. I walk him out into center field where a large steel tube protrudes from behind the camera well. I tell him to crawl inside and wait, instructing him that when I announce his name at noon he will emerge on an elevated platform from atop the tube for all to see. In actuality I have asked him to crawl into what is quite obviously a large cannon. He misses this detail, which is not surprising because, as most Tigers fans now know, Mike Aviles misses almost everything.
Noon arrives. Press, camera crews, and fans have gathered around a dais assembled behind home plate. I instruct people to look toward the cannon in center field and tell them that after signing Aviles to a one year deal just one day prior, I am now granting him his complete and unconditional release. With that Mike Aviles is fired into the sun. Dan Dickerson provides the play-by-play. Somewhere deep in their hearts, Tigers fans feel the true beginning of the healing process. As the sounds of the explosion reverberate through downtown Detroit, I introduce our other free agent acquisition, Don Kelly.
He is gracious as he approaches the stage. A woman faints. He catches her. He stops to rescue a kitten trapped under the dais, and hands it to a blind homeless child who miraculously regains her sight upon the receipt of the animal. When asked about it moments later Kelly shrugs it off, says he's just here to do the best he can for the team, and bows out early to go do yard work for his elderly neighbor, Gladys.
With the press conference complete I am shown to my waiting car. As I approach the vehicle DePodesta approaches with the news of Billy Beane. I hear him, but my only acknowledgement of the interaction is in handing him my empty coffee cup as I walk by. I sigh lightly, settle in to the comfort of my heated leather seats, and head home for dinner.
The 2017 Tigers will go on to win 102 games and sweep the Dodgers in the World Series. Don Kelly will be the MVP.
Starting Lineup
1. Cameron Maybin CF
2. Curtis Granderson LF
3. Miguel Cabrera 1B
4. J.D. Martinez RF
5. Nick Castellanos 3B
6. Victor Martinez DH
7. Cameron Rupp/ JamesMcCann C
8. Cesar Hernandez 2B
9. Jose Iglesias SS
Pitching Staff
1. Justin Verlander
2. Michael Fulmer
3. Kent Maeda
4. Jordan Zimmerman
5. Daniel Norris
Pelfrey in the pen, and Boyd at Toledo until needed.
Bullpen
Mostly Alex Wilson, Shane Greene, Joe Jiminez, Bruce Rondon, and K-Rod
