Listen to Barry Zito’s new song, ‘Secret of Life’

FIRST: That is a Barry Zito video up there. In this video, he sings and strums and emotes and plucks.

SECOND: If this song came on over the credits of a TV show or over the PA of a store, you would not giggle and wonder how that song got there. Which means it fits seamlessly in the “inoffensive man and his guitar” genre. How much you enjoy that genre should inform how much you enjoy this song.

THIRD: Even if I were so inclined, I would not make fun of this. That would set up some nasty karma for me, man with embarrassing “inoffensive man and his guitar” demos from 20 years ago just waiting to be unearthed. But even without the threat of cosmic payback, it’s worth noting this is more polished and focused than I was expecting. Fine effort, really. I am not so inclined.

That doesn’t mean we still can’t laugh at the timeless “Man’s Gotta Do,” of course. But this is a completed, polished song, and it’s fine.

FOURTH: If you’re wondering about the drawl, don’t forget that Zito grew up roughly in the same area as Jeff Kent. So that would explain it.

FIFTH: While it’s a bad look to make fun of another person’s artistic endeavors just because you’re familiar with that person in another capacity, that doesn’t mean we can’t take a bunch of out-of-context screenshots of Barry Zito’s Very Serious Guitar Faces to amuse ourselves.

Now if I directed the video, it would have ended with Zito finally opening his eyes and revealing a portal to Hell, like Sam Neill in Event Horizon, but that’s probably why they don’t let me direct videos. Plus, that’s not really what the song is about, from what I can gather.

But that’s your latest Barry Zito musical career update. He’s plugging away, and good for him. Looks like fun.

Not as fun as this:

But, really, what is?