From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Timeline of Democracy:
Prehistory: Hunters, Gatherers form two-party systems across the globe.
1352 B.C.: Egyptian pharaoh Akhenaten conceives principle of "one man, one vote." However, both the "one man" and "one vote" refer only to him.
1300 B.C.: God gives Ten Commandments to Israelites, making them His Chosen People and granting them eternal protection under Divine Law. Nothing bad ever happens to Jews again.
27 B.C. - 476 A.D.: "Pax Romana," period of comparative tranquility in Western world engineered by global superpower. Like the 1950s but way more fuckin'.
613: Muhammed begins publicly preaching Islam. Can democracy be far behind?
1000: Althing, world's first parliament, formed in Iceland. Mainly for warmth.
1215: Magna Carta. The document codified that no man was above the law. Unfortunately for the peasant class, it did little to address how many were below it.
1480s: Spanish Inquisition pioneers use of target demographics as focus groups.
1620: Pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock.
1621: Rock gets too crowded. Pilgrims leave.
1732: George Washington fathered in his country.
---From America: The Book. Now available in paperback with updated photos of Supreme Court Justices Sam Alito and John Roberts nude!
And now we can add a new milestone. 2006: Republican Congress "passed a tyrannical law that will be ranked with the low points in American democracy, our generation's version of the Alien and Sedition Acts." Left-wing blogosphere mysteriously disappears overnight.
Ha ha, just kidding. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoo
sh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
(Remind me to fix that step...)
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, September 28, 2006
Note: To enhance your status with family and friends, always wrap birthday, anniversary and holiday gifts in back issues of Cheers and Jeers. Hugs, Heloise
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the midterm elections: 40
Days `til National Boss Day: 18
Percent of Americans who think Bush is more to blame for 9/11: 53%
Percent who think Clinton is more to blame: 36%
(Source: Gallup poll)
Number of homes that could get their power from 600 landfills the EPA says are large enough to convert their methane into energy...if only they'd invest in the technology: 900,000
(Source: Harper's Index)
Debut position of Frank Rich's The Greatest Story Ever SOLD on the New York Times Bestseller list: 1
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Future Canine Companion for Independence.
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CHEERS to doin' the stand-up/sit-down thang. Well, it looks official: the Iraqi people---71 percent of them---want us to get out of their country within a year. Over half of them believe it would reduce violence there and strengthen their government. Even so, President Bush says that's crazy talk:
"Look, it's hard. Ah understand that. Now, let me finish! Ah understand they're upset. In other words, there's an agreed-upon understanding of the scope their upsetness. But kicking us out is admitting defeat. Now let me finish! I know the Iraqi people aren't used to stayin' the course. They're a little rusty at marchin' the freedom march. Ah understand that. Let me finish! But admitting defeat is cutting and running and I will not let them cut and run from themselves until they have dipped their purple fingers into the apple pie filling of democracy! So the Iraqi people need to calm down, maybe turn up their air conditioners a few ticks, watch some cable TV, and let us finish the job."
He's dreamy.
CHEERS to Elizabeth Edwards. Our favorite '04 primary spouse talks to TIME magazine:
How's your health now?
It is as good as any 57-year-old mother with two young children could possibly be. I'm a little tired, but I'm apparently cancer free, and that's the big thing.
It looks like your husband will run for President again. What factors are in play?
He's very seriously considering running. One [factor] is my health. He said that if the cancer recurred-- we actually had a scare this fall that turned out not to be anything--he would do what he did before, and draw himself into making me better.
Is the country ready for Elizabeth Edwards as First Lady?
[Laughs.] When John was running in 2004 in the primaries, then Florida Senator Bob Graham was in the race. His wife is regal---tall, beautiful, always perfect and gracious in every way. I think there's part of the American public that wants there to be a queen. The public would have to tell you whether they're ready for somebody who sits on the floor playing Monopoly with the kids.
Her new book is called Saving Graces. Lovely woman. (But we'll show no mercy when she lands on Boardwalk.)
Sur-PRISE! Sur-PRISE! Sur-PRISE! to today's Least...Startling...Conclusion! Hold on to your butts: Progressive radio hosts are more accepting of dissenting views than conservative hosts. Join us tomorrow for our next Least...Startling...Conclusion!
CHEERS to Chris Bowers. In anticipation of the passage of the U.S. Gulag Proliferation Act of 2006 (as the Young Turks said this morning on Air America: "What happens in the gulag, stays in the gulag"), anyone on our side bitter towards, generically, "The Democrats" might be wise to swallow a few teaspoons of Bowers's reality-based sugar:
Over the past four or five days, we have finally regained the momentum in this election. It had been trending Republican for about three weeks before that. Our chances to take over the House are very, very real, and in the Senate progressives have some major incoming allies such as Bernie Sanders, Ned Lamont, Jon Tester, Sherrod Brown, Amy Klobuchar, and Sheldon Whitehouse.
Don't voluntarily throw away our momentum and the chances of these great candidates because you are upset with a minority of the Democratic Party on this torture bill. Be a progressive instead. Realize that the majority of the Democratic Party is on your side on virtually everything, and don't stereotype. Realize that you can continue to work to change the Democratic Party for the better, as we have in many ways these past four years. Place blame where it belongs rather than making unfair, blanket statements. My party---and I have no qualms about saying that it is my party---is the progressive party, and we have our best chance to retake Congress in six years.
Okay, but the victory party better have one FUCK of a buffet table.
JEERS to unsubstantiated claims? In Tuesday's highly-recommended diary that took ESPN to the woodshed for piping in cheers for Republican dignitaries at games (and boos for Democrats), was any proof ever presented? Any actual audio? Even an itty bitty baby snippet? If not, why did 500 people recommended it? Just asking.
P.S. ESPN responds. Now I'm really confused.
WHAT THE...? to the Boston Herald. Either they're nuts or Condi Rice just got the fastest sex change in history. I like your new ears, Madam...er, Mr. (I think) Secretary.
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GONG! GONG!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is a FOX News panties-in-a-twist SPECIAL REPORT!
Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens did not try to kill himself yesterday.
Other sports figures who also did not try to kill themselves yesterday include Tiger Woods, Johnny Damon, Jeff Gordon, Annika Sorenstam, Tom Brady, Greg Oden, and everyone associated with the Professional Miniature Golf Association. Nevertheless, every professional athlete in America has been placed on a suicide watch just in case.
Our next update in 10.5 seconds. Now back to Cheers and Jeers...
GONG! GONG!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to healing like the stars! New Kaiser Family Foundation report says health care costs are rising at twice the rate of inflation. It's part of a new GOP plan with a brilliant premise: rich people get the best care because they pay the most money, so if everyone pays the most money, everyone gets the best care! By the way, you should really get that...that thing...looked at.
JEERS to Joe as usual. Now Senator-for-a-bit-longer Liebergooper says he thinks releasing 3 pages (10 percent) of the National Intelligence Estimate was a terrible thing, just terrible. After all, it could shed light on America's greatest challenge, and we can't have that, can we? [Sigh] Here's another 25 bucks, Ned. I can always eat tomorrow.
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One Year Ago in C&J: September 28, 2005...
CHEERS to stuff that happens when Bush isn't involved. After 30 years of conflict, the Irish Republican Army has junked its arsenal. Says senior Sinn Fein member Martin---what else---McGuinness, "I believe that Ireland stands on the cusp of a truly historic advance, and I hope that people across the island will respond positively in the time ahead." I'll raise a pint to that!
CHEERS to quick comebacks. In U.S. News & World Report, Bill Burton of the DCCC responds to an attack by an unnamed weasel at the NRCC: "After another week of Republican indictments and arrests, I'm surprised that the NRCC has time to comment on anything besides the efficiency of their bail bondsmen." Ouch.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to racism made easy. (via Gina) For those of you who are a bit rusty hurling epithets, the ALL-NEW George Allen Insult Generator makes it so easy that, heck, even a small Tunisian monkey can do it! Here, let me add to the list: If you're mad at the woman who bore ya, call her Macaca! Your dad? Pacaca! An Egyptian sun god? Racaca! A German? Jacaca! Who knew racism could be so much fun!!
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Floor's open... What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless testimonial:
"Let me boast brazenly of the bountiful benefits to bodily health of Cheers and Jeers. Give me a bowl, and my soul will be satisfied."
---Lucas Dreier
Yale University
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