O.J. Simpson Has Been Granted Parole
After serving almost 9 years of a possible 33-year sentence for armed robbery and attempted kidnapping in Nevada, O.J. Simpson has been granted parole. The juice will soon be loose; everyone prepare yourselves accordingly.
O.J. appeared live from his home since 2008, the Lovelock Correctional Facility in Nevada, for a parole board hearing with Nevada’s Board of Parole Commissioners today. They asked a bunch of questions over almost two hours to determine whether O.J. has served enough time for his involvement in an extremely messy post-wedding memorabilia heist in Las Vegas on September 13th, 2007. If it were up to karma, I’m sure the answer would be “Oh hell to the no.” But the decision was made by a chairman and three commissioners, and they decided to release O.J.’s 70-year-old ass from prison.
The parole board brought up O.J.’s 1995 acquittal, but only to say it wasn’t going to factor into their decision. What a tease! I was honestly expecting some drama, like for one of the parole board members to grab their mic and yell: “I don’t care what the law says! I saw the way Ross from Friends looked at Cuba Gooding Jr. during that final episode.”
No one testified against O.J. during the hearing. In O.J.’s cheerleading corner was his daughter Arnelle Simpson, who read a statement from their family saying they wanted their dad to come home, and Bruce Fromong, one of the victims of the robbery who today is close friends with O.J.
If you missed the livestream of the parole hearing, here it is:
O.J.’s not packing up his toothbrush and homemade duct tape shower shoes just yet. TMZ says the earliest he can be released is October 1st. That gives him plenty of time to hit up the prison computer lab and start searching the online classifieds for a job. You know, since he still has a $33.5 million wrongful death judgement to take care of.
Last year we learned that Ford was bringing back the Bronco. And now today a parole board has decided to bring back O.J. into society. I don’t know what kind of weird metaphysical butterfly effect that first decision caused, or if it’s just a coincidence, but I’m sure scientists will be studying it for years to come.
Pic: Livestream via TMZ