From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Oh! More Things I Know:
There is no I in "Congress." Because their ethics rules permit them to hide it from the public.
If Barack Obama sneezes, the official Iranian news agency will translate it as, "U.S. President wants to kill us all in our beds."
There's an easy way to bring Guantanamo detainees to America without having them touch American soil. Hoverboots.
I haven't heard a peep from Don Imus all year. And I am a better man for it.
The fact that I could be sitting here writing one moment and then waking up in the hospital the next, with no recollection of what happened between the writing and the waking up, concerns me. I'm guessing one of my enemies will have tried to poison me.
In yesterday's C&J poll, 89 percent of you said you've never belonged to a country club, thus confirming my worst fear: Kossacks are terrible elitists.
I think I figured it out: an evil cyborg version of Governor Mark Sanford entered our world from a parallel dimension and is trying to eliminate the real Governor Mark Sanford, who so far has managed to stay one step ahead. If my calculations are correct, the climactic showdown between the two will take place on top of the Eiffel Tower.
[IMPORTANT UPDATE: Don't be fooled, people! The Governor Mark Sanford who just returned from Argentina is the cyborg!!!]
Anyone who thinks a longer dick is a better dick has never read a 500-page book by Jonah Goldberg.
For the last time, there are no "moderate" or "centrist" Democrats in Congress. Call them what they are: conniving conservatives.
Our cat turns 20 next week. She's doing okay, but when she meows it sounds like Chewbacca sucking on helium.
Mark my words. The next powerful unregulated interest group we'll need to worry about is Big Whirling Dervish.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Note: We have never been struck by lightning, shoes or fists. We have, however, been struck by pudding, dog toys and bad judgment.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til 2010: 190
Days `til Portland Lobsterfest: 3
President Obama's approval rating on foreign policy, according to a new ABC News/Washington Post poll: 61% (32% disapprove)
Gallons of coal ash released into Tennessee's Emory River last December by a power plant: 1,100,000,000
Factor by which this exceeds the volume of oil spilled by the Exxon Valdez: 101
(Source: Harper's Index)
Amount allocated in the federal stimulus plan for youth employment (14-24 year-olds): $1.2 billion
(Source: AP)
Approximate inches of June rainfall in Portland as of yesterday: 7" (2.3" is normal)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 166 (including 5 Persias and 1 flow chart that proves God's gone corporate). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: They grow up so fast...
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CHEERS to bringin' a big brain to a room full of little ones. I'm sitting here mulling over (i.e. stroking my pipe and lighting my beard) the difference between the dynamics of Bush v. The Press and Obama v. The Press. I think the White House notepad scribblers quickly discovered that Bush was such a simpleton, and his use of language was so---pardon the term---tortured, that they deliberately kept their questions easy ("How does your faith guide you?" "How awesome was it to land on that aircraft carrier?") and rarely asked follow-ups (like, fer instance, "What the hell did you just say?") because they were utterly flummoxed by his infantile syntax. They only seemed to get aggressive at the end of his term, when it was clear that he was broken and universally despised. Now we have a whiz kid in the Oval Office, and the rules have changed. Now it's, "What took you so long!" and "What's your problem, man? Don't you know you have a pre-approved narrative to follow?" and "Do you feel more like a disappointment or a jerk because you still sneak a puff once in a while?" Obama certainly showed he was capable of swatting them as easily as last week's fly (best line yesterday: "What do you think?"), but I'm still struck by how reporters seem to feel like they have a green light with the new guy to be rude and condescending. It's so...so...predictable.
JEERS to bubble-dwelling butt talkers. Come, let us tan ourselves to a golden glow under the illuminating brilliance of the neocons' latest pronouncements:
Former U.S. Hater of the United Nations, John Bolton, says Obama needs to directly intervene in Iran's affairs to show support for the protestors, but that the United States' ability to directly intervene was so weakened by Bolton's former boss that it would be an exercise in futility to try. He also said, "Can you hear the lambs screaming, Clarice," and "I before E except after C or when I accidentally drop the crayon from between my toes in my happy room."
Meanwhile, Charles Krauthammer says it's terrible that President Obama referred to Iran's Supreme Leader as "Supreme Leader," even though Charles Krauthammer referred to Iran's Supreme Leader as "Supreme Leader" both before and after he criticized Obama for calling the aforementioned you-know-what the "You-Know-What."
This public service message brought to you by the Mothers, Hug Your Babies Often or They'll Grow Up to be Like John Bolton and Charles Krauthammer Foundation.
BIG SIGH to the waiting game. Suffice it to say the mass angry demonstrations in Iran are over for the time being (the threat of live ammo tends to thin the herd), and dissension will take a softer, more long-term tone:
The Iranian revolution, which is usually regarded as one of the most accelerated overthrows of a well-entrenched power structure in history, started in about January 1978 and the shah departed in January 1979. During that period, there were long pauses and periods of quiescence that could lead one to believe that the revolt had subsided. This is not a sprint; it is a marathon. Endurance is at least as important as speed.
There may not be a clear winner or loser. Iranians are clever and wily politicians. They prefer chess to football, and a "win" may involve a negotiated solution in which everyone saves face. ... The shape of a compromise is impossible to guess at this point, but it would probably involve significant concessions concealed behind a great public show of unity.
Two words for when you break the news to your spellchecker that you'll be tapping out Ahmadinikneelbeforezod for another four years: expect tears.
CHEERS to Bongmeister Barney. The Massachusetts congressman says when it comes to marijuana legalization, it's time for some Frank talk:
Frank has filed a bill that would eliminate federal penalties for personal possession of less than 100 grams of marijuana. It would also make the penalty for using marijuana in public just $100.
"I think John Stuart Mill had it right in the 1850s," said Congressman Frank, "when he argued that individuals should have the right to do what they want in private, so long as they don't hurt anyone else. It's a matter of personal liberty. Moreover, our courts are already stressed and our prisons are over-crowded. We don't need to spend our scarce resources prosecuting people who are doing no harm to others."
As Digby points out, the pious, patriarchal and puritanical politicians will "preen and prance" to prohibit the puffing of pot. Prudes.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Josh Marshall asks: Could 'hiking the Appalachian Trail' become a new metaphor in politics?
Hopefully!
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to the 19th century comeback kid. Democrat Grover Cleveland ran this crazy republic from 1885 to 1889, sat on the sidelines for four years after losing to Benjamin Harrison, and then wrestled the White House back for another term in 1892, making him both #22 and #24. He died 101 years ago today. So far, he hasn't bounced back from that little setback. Pay your respects here.
JEERS to the rudeness of strangers. To the Prudential insurance executive sitting in the Portland coffee shop who conspired---loudly and gleefully---via cellphone with his superiors on the best way to cancel a contract with an unprofitable account on a technicality and then, while explaining the cancellation to the client moments later, said, "Hey, I'm on your side": congratulations on being promoted to Asshole First Class...it's nice to see your hard work paid off. Hope you enjoyed the dog poop in your briefcase. It's the least I could do.
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Five years ago in C&J: June 24, 2004
CHEERS to women scorned. 1.6 million of `em have been given the green light by a federal judge to sue Wal-Mart for gender discrimination. Their beef: less pay and fewer promotions than their penis-toting coworkers. This could take a wee bite out of the mega-corporation's petty-cash drawer.
CHEERS to Pickles. After a series of scandals, residents in the Mexican village of Mesa Blanco got so fed up they elected Pickles the Mule as mayor. "Everyone in town trusts Señor Pickles," says one resident. "He is known for his honesty and good nature." Plus he eats all the parking tickets.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to love among the cheeseheads. A voice from above tells me that Street Prophets Swami Pastor Dan and his lovely wife, Mrs. Pastor, are celebrating their 9th opposite-sex wedding anniversary today. Wrote PD last night in an email: "9 years and two kids later, we're still together. She is thelightofmylifewithoutwhomIwouldbeutterly--utterly--lost." That...is sweet. Oh, and it says here that the "modern" gift to give for the ninth year is "leather." And if your imagination didn’t just flop into the gutter you're a better person than I am.
Oh, and farewell, Ed McMahon. He will always be #1 at playing #2. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
The Tim Burton 3-D flick doesn't come out till spring 2010, but film fans now have their first look at Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter, Anne Hathaway as the White Queen and Bill in Portland Maine as the Red Queen from the upcoming "Alice in Wonderland."
---Huffington Post
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