Clayton Picks All the Week Eight College Football Games Correctly: The Hamwalk Edition

I called LSU-Georgia. I called Washington-Oregon. I called Tennessee-Auburn. I’m like Linus minus the blanket

Last Week: 6-1

Season to date: 67-29

Our Game

Cincinnati (6-0) at Temple (4-3)

I am going to prepare for this weekend’s game by seeking one moment of total awareness through the here-ness that is unlocked by now people like Lama Surya Das (born Jeffrey Miller) who is the undefeated, undisputed master of the natural great, innate perfection.

Final Score: Cincinnati 31 Temple 24

Reinhold Matay-USA TODAY Sports

The Rest of the AAC

Tulsa (1-5) at Arkansas (1-6)

This game will resemble an encounter group meeting at the Esalen Institute.

Final Score: Arkansas 52 Tulsa 34

Houston (5-1) at Navy (2-4)

Regis Philbin is a great walker.

Final Score: Houston 48 Navy 27

SMU (2-4) at Tulane (2-4)

I am proud to announce that Peter Allen will be performing the halftime show for the SMU-Tulane game.

Final Score: Tulane 31 SMU 28

Memphis (4-3) at Missouri (3-3)

PUMP

UP

THE

JAM, MEMPHIS

Final Score: Missouri 38 Memphis 35

UCF (6-0) at East Carolina (2-4)

I was getting a hoagie at Jimbo’s

when i heard they shut off Ducharme’s heat

He’s been using the oven to stay warm

all winter long

wonder what’s gonna happen when they shut that off

Final Score: UCF 63 ECU 42

UConn (1-5) at South Florida (6-0)

When I was nineteen,

my mom said to me,

“Honey, maybe you should get some exercise,

you don’t look so healthy anymore.”

I assured my mother

that I felt okay,

but she insisted that

I go outside

“It’s such a gorgeous day,

my little one

your belly’s getting bulbous

how bout a run?”

I’m going for a hamwalk,

But don’t tell mom!

“Mommy, mommy, mommy,

I’ll take a walk instead,

but first I’ll make a sandwich

with that fresh wheat bread.”

I pointed at the loaf

and grabbed some cheddar cheese from the fridge

but momma said “not so fast,”

she’d make me tuna-on-wheat

while I was on my feet

I’m going for a hamwalk,

But don’t tell mom!

Begrudgingly, I put my brother’s flip-flops on my bare feet

I opened up the front door

and trotted up the street

I dragged through my neighborhood

at an unimpressive speed

the only thing that quickened my pace

were the words on the nearest marquee:

the sign read “Bessery’s Fresh Meats,”

it was a convincing enough sales-pitch

for my growling belly

I stopped in with the six dollars on me

I’m going for a hamwalk,

But don’t tell mom!

“May I have a pound of honey-glazed ham?”

I asked the beanpole butcher

before he could ask me what I wanted

I thanked him graciously

as he shaved off my lunch

I’m going for a hamwalk,

But don’t tell mom!

$4.99 a pound left another dollar for me

I picked out a bag of skittles

and gave the change to a jar marked “Little League”

an elderly woman rang it all up for me

and I smiled at her all the way out the door

I’m going for a hamwalk,

But don’t tell mom!

I sat down on the stoop outside the store

and began swallowing slice after slice of

thinly-sliced ham

eight honey-glazed slices in, I came up for air

I’m going for a hamwalk,

But don’t tell mom!

The elderly woman came outside

she tapped on my shoulder

“Aren’t you bringing that home?”

the befuddled old lady asked

“Nope. My mom would catch me then.”

she scratched her head at my reply

and walked back in the store

I’m going for a hamwalk,

But don’t tell mom!

I figured I was wearing out my welcome,

So I slid a thick stack of ham down my throat

And tossed the plastic wrapper

in the garbage bin beside the store.

I cleansed my palette with the skittles

on the road home

I’m going for a hamwalk,

But don’t tell mom!

My mother met me at the door,

sandwich in hand

she hugged me around the neck

as I tasted tuna-on-wheat

“I’m so proud of you,

don’t you feel better getting some exercise?”

“yeah, I’m just a little thirsty,

my mouth gets awfully salty on walks”

mom brought me a glass of lemonade

we watched the Cosby Show,

knowing that a boy needed some rest

after a long workout

I’m going for a hamwalk again tomorrow,

But don’t tell mom!

Final Score: USF 22 UConn 21

Joshua S. Kelly-USA TODAY Sports

The Rest of the Country

NC State (5-0) at Clemson (6-0)

My name to you

Is Pipes McGoo

I’ve got the biggest arms in town

I’m the fastest, the tallest, the biggest

The strongest and the smartest

I’m the toughest toddler around

I win every race

I’ve got muscles in my face

Even the boogey man fears me

My name is Pipes McGoo

I’d be afraid too

I’m like Linus minus the blanket

If you dare to laugh

I’ll rip your phonebook in half

And sock you straight into tomorrow

To prove I’m a man

I tip over the garbage can

The fridge displays my paintings

They call me Pipes McGoo

I just turned two

I frighten men twice my age

Final Score: Clemson 32 NC State 24

Mississippi State (4-2) at LSU (6-1)

When the duck says quack

It’s Ono-mato-poeia

When a goose quacks back

It’s Ono-mato-poeia

Ono-mato-poeia

Is the crazy name

They give to a word

Whose sound is the same

When a drum boom booms

It’s Ono-mato-poeia

When a car zoom zooms

It’s Ono-mato-poeia

Ono-mato-poeia

Is the crazy name

They give to a word

Whose sound is the same

If a crow caw-caws

It’s Ono-mato-poeia

But if a friend ta-tas

It’s not a mato-poeia

Just because a tiny word

Makes a silly sound

Doesn’t mean that you heard

Ono-mato come around

Final Score: LSU 10 MSU 7

As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously.

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