Would You Rather: Dr. Alan Grant Or Dr. Ian Malcolm From ‘Jurassic Park’

Life often presents us with tough choices, but we’re here to help work them out. Each week, we discuss two attractive men, weigh the pros and cons, and decide, once and for all, which one we’d rather have sex with. In this week’s Would You Rather, we settle a debate of prehistoric proportions: Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) or Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) from Jurassic Park.

Joel: Well I’m not sure what we did to deserve it (take that as you will) but this week we were treated to yet another Jurassic World trailer. And what a world it looks like! A world full of  trained velociraptors and smart white suits and red blunted bangs. I honestly can’t wait to see it, despite the fact that the whole thing looks like garbage. All that excitement aside though, I can’t help but feel a tinge of sadness too. The original Jurassic Park is one of my favorite movies, in no small part because of the stellar cast. While I stand firmly with the rest of America behind Chris Pratt’s incredible charm and face and abs, I’m just not sure anything can compare to the charms of the franchise’s original male leads — Dr. Alan Grant and Dr. Ian Malcolm. What say you, Tyler Coates? Will you be missing the smarmy, stuttery charms of Dr. Malcolm and the grumpy facade of Dr. Grant as well?

Tyler: Joel, first I want to say that I am SO EXCITED for Jurassic World. I know how dumb it looks. Did anyone need new dinosaurs? No one needed new dinosaurs. But thank you, world, for giving us another one. Why not? Also, I like the concept of Chris Pratt being some sort of velociraptor whisperer. I will forgive him for getting so damn jacked, because I resent men with muscles (slash I LOVE THEM! Life is so confusing sometimes!). I also love Jurassic Park so much. I still get chills when I watch it and see the scene in which they see that brontosaurus (is it a brontosaurus? I don’t care about specifics here, because DINOSAURS) for the first time. But I’m afraid that I’m about to say something very controversial, if the internet has taught me anything in the last ten years: I would take Sam Neill’s Alan Grant over Jeff Goldblum’s Ian Malcolm any day.

Joel: It’s funny, because I remember growing up being completely repulsed with Jeff Goldblum and clung to a crush I had on Sam Neill for many years. It wasn’t until I rewatched the movie did I realize why I preferred Grant to Malcolm as a kid — Dr. Grant reminded me of my dad. Humorless, pedantic, and paternalistic. Looking back, I’m not sure I could even call my preference a “crush” so much as it was just a general feeling of goodwill towards the calm and comforting presence he exuded during all the scary dinosaur parts. Malcolm by comparison has aged like a fine wine. Simply put, now that I get what sex is, I want it with that dude, more than I need to be comforted by some daddy. What do you think that says about you, Tyler? Hm?

Tyler: Well, my dad is dead so you’ve certainly made it real awkward already, Joel.

Joel: Well my dad hates me, so that’s a whole different “Would You Rather” column we can write someday.

Tyler: I’d like to admit that I appreciate this brief derailing, because no matter what I say in the rest of this week’s column, I will have won because you are a monster who forced me to play my Dead Dad card. But onward! My choice, per usual, is based on personality. Jeff Goldblum, I must admit, has never been my thing — especially in Jurassic Park. I hate know-it-alls, as I believe I’ve already stated in an earlier iteration of this column (I, naturally, prefer to be the smartest person in the room), so I find Dr. Malcolm to be incredibly repugnant. And because I’m typically not into tall, skinny guys, Goldblum’s physical attractiveness isn’t enough for me to look past his jerky character.

Joel: I’m not horny for know-it-alls either, but in this case, they probably should’ve listened to him. Dr. Malcolm was the only one with enough foresight to say, “uh, how about we not.” As someone with chronic anxiety, that is a quality I really appreciate in a man. Dr. Grant is a grump! You want to deal with a grump like that for the rest of your fucking life? Spoiler alert, Ellie ends up with somebody else — because he’s such a grump!

Tyler: Oh, you’re breaking the news that Ellie ends up with someone else like it’s a tragedy? Good! Dr. Grant is mine! And, sure, Dr. Malcolm may have been the only one to directly say, “Hey, this is a bad idea,” but he did so by being such a sleaze about it. Like, there’s a way to explain chaos theory without non-consensual touching, Joel. Also, Dr. Malcolm is the kind of guy who thinks he’s funny, which is my anti-boner. I think Dr. Grant is hilarious. I love his blind, irrational hatred for children! Which he even realizes is ridiculous when man-eating dinosaurs force him to spend some quality time with two kids, one of whom is, like, such a drama queen and obsessed with being electrocuted and being trapped in falling Jeeps. Yet Dr. Grant would still probably pretend that he’d slash him with a fossilized raptor claw. That’s hilarious!

Joel: What you call “sleaze” some of us call “charm.” Ellie was into it, and Ellie is maybe the most empowered person in the entire goddamn film, so if she’s cool with a little bit of water dripping on her hand, then drip drip drip away, I say! He can drip whatever he wants over me all goddamn day. Oh my god I’m rhyming.

Tyler: I’m also not into the leather-on-leather look Dr. Malcolm is rocking, honestly. I’m like the aesthetic that Dr. Grant is working with. He’s a man who’s not afraid to go out of the house wearing shorts. Plus, you know how much I love a denim shirt. He even throws a red handkerchief in because he is all about accessorizing (plus, that hat!). What’s the Hanky Code for tying a red one around your neck? Choking bottom?

Joel: If you think Dr. Grant is into anything but silent missionary, you are kidding yourself. The man is clearly so repressed and reptile obsessed, sex seems like it would be a real chore (no doubt another reason Ellie moves on, that woman seems wild). Malcolm is referred to as a rockstar — he’s fathered children from coast to coast! Do you know how much swagger it would take to make math sexy? I do, because you can see it all over the screen. Even when he’s been torn asunder by some prehistoric monster, he still manages to ooze sex. I don’t know about you, but the biggest gasp I heard when I watched the movie in theater when it was re-released was that iconic image of Dr. Malcolm splayed out on that table, shirt open, bloody and sweaty. It was a bigger reaction than any one dinosaur could conjure. It’s the enduring image of the entire film. Because that’s how sexy prime Jeff Goldblum was.

Tyler: Joel, Dr. Grant is so wild that he was convinced that DINOSAURS EVOLVED INTO BIRDS. You probably don’t remember 1993 very well, as you are a baby child, but I was ten years old and I remember how insane that sounded at the time. And guess who happened to be right? This was, of course, years before we knew that dinosaurs had feathers, for crying out loud. The kind of man that thinks up that sort of thing isn’t boring in bed. I bet he can’t even be contained to a mattress. He wants to go all over the place. On the stairs. In the garden. Hiding in the kitchen cabinets. The raptor/T-rex role-playing options go on and on!

Joel: Or, more likely, he’d make you dress up like a bird like a real perv.

Tyler: Again, because he has a sense of humor. Also, Sam Neill is Australian. You know how coo-coo those nuts down on that prison island are.

Joel: You are projecting your wants and needs onto Dr. Grant, there is no basis for any of your claims in the text, Tyler, so I honestly am not sure how I can continue to discuss this issue with you any further. So let’s turn for a moment, as we always do, and ask each other: if not these men, then who in Jurassic Park would you like to bang? For me it’s definitely ageless beauty, BD Wong. What about you?

Tyler: The dinosaur that spits.

Joel: Ugh, millennial irony at its finest.

Tyler: Joel, I JUST mentioned my love for neck flair!

Joel: Ugh.

Tyler: But I will say the animated DNA strand came in at a very close second.

Joel: I have important, serious work to do. I have to go.

 

PREVIOUSLY:
Drew Scott vs. Jonathan Scott from Property Brothers
Woody vs. Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story
Sherlock vs. Dr. John Watson From Sherlock
Peeta Mellark vs. Gale Hawthorne From The Hunger Games
Dean Forester vs. Jess Mariano From Gilmore Girls

 

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