True Blood recap: Breaking up is hard to do

We’re sorry, this feature is currently unavailable. We’re working to restore it. Please try again later.

Advertisement

This was published 11 years ago

True Blood recap: Breaking up is hard to do

Broken hearts pile up faster than dead bodies in this episode ... and that's saying something!

By Natalie Hambly

We pick up right where we left off, back at the dilapidated hospital where Eric is fanging off to Russell Edgington. "Hello old friend," he says from behind those sharp pearly whites. For a menacing vampire Mr Edgington is looking the very picture of frail, his skin is white as chalk and, in a nice touch, he is even wearing pyjamas. Bill and Sookie are watching from the doorway and Alcide is right behind them ... until he isn't. Alcide yelps and we see him being dragged across the floor by a wolf. Ah, so that's what Russell had up his sleeve, a pack of rabid V-addicted wolves - of course!

Sookie chases after Alcide, Bill chases after Sookie but he gets attacked by a wolf and Eric runs after Bill, which of course leaves Russell to his own devices – never a good idea. Pyjamas or no pyjamas Russell is always ready to exploit a weakness and he is by Sookie's side in seconds. He lusciously inhales the air around her: "You're just what the doctor ordered, my twee fairy vixen," he drawls. You've gotta hand it to the old vamp, he just summed Sookie up perfectly with only three words.

Dazed and confused ... Alcide suffers memory trouble thanks to Eric.

Dazed and confused ... Alcide suffers memory trouble thanks to Eric.

He aims his fangs at her neck ....ZAAAAP!.... Sookie unleashes her microwave fingers on him (sidenote: it turns out she no longer needs to modernise her kitchen).

Eric, who has now finished slaying wolves, returns to finish what he came for. He has Russell by the face and is about to finally do away with his arch nemesis when Bill gets in his way - and by "gets in his way" I mean points a stake at his back. Gutsy move Bill, what gives? "If you kill Russell we both die," he explains.

Face-off ... Roman and Russell.

Face-off ... Roman and Russell.

Bill convinces Eric to deliver Russell to the Authority alive but it turns out to be a moot point, the Authority is already there. Dressed and equipped like SAS troops they are all over the scene like a bad rash. The opening titles roll without giving us an update on Hottie McWolf.

AFTER the credits we cut to Jessica flying backwards through a doorway and into Fangtasia – this has to be her best entrance yet. She is mid-flight and mid-fight with Tara who had been sucking neck with her ex-boyfriend Hoyt. Jessica might be older but Tara is bad-ass who now, thanks to her vamp transfer, is a bad ass with mad skills. No contest; Jessica goes down. Mama Pam gets up from Eric's her throne and calls an end to the entertainment.

"I guess that whole friendship thing is on hold," Jessica says tearfully, which marks the first break up of the episode. Tara is still foaming at the mouth and Pam has to drag her off by the hair – so it's just another bar fight in a Southern backwater town then!

Advertisement

"You made me proud," says Pam to her vampire spawn, "like a human is proud of a dog." Oh Pam stop, all that gushing is making me blush.

Alcide's new love interest?

Alcide's new love interest?

BACK at the hospital Russell is now in Authority custody and he isn't going quietly. Well duh! Find me a megalomaniac that does. He calls bullshit on their religion and says that Lilith doesn't exist – it might just be me but I can't help wondering if Lilith is a metaphor for something.

Russell is dragged away and golly we see that he is also wearing slippers - when he decides on a look he really goes all the way!

High expectations ... Claude.

High expectations ... Claude.

As Rusty Edges makes for the exit a walking six-pack enters; it seems Alcide is ok after all. While doing up his pants (shirtless of course) he quickly explains how he got away from the wolf JD and, it has to be said, the alpha vibe is practically reeling off of him in waves. It's horribly off putting, oh wait, no, that other thing.

The Authority isn't happy that Bill and Eric involved a wolf and two humans. B&E make up a weak cover story (Sookie and Alcide were humping like 'livestock' in the van apparently, ha!). The Authority wants the humans killed as "they know too much" but Bill manages to downgrade it to a good old fashioned glamouring. It seems the Authority isn't aware of Sookie's powers and Bill wants to keep it that way. He approaches Sookie and aims those piercing blue eyes at her face.

Salome ... Nothing says celebration like a glass of bloody bubbly.

Salome ... Nothing says celebration like a glass of bloody bubbly.

Eric goes to do the same with Alcide and the atmosphere noticeably changes. Eric unsheathes his fangs; Alcide flinches but stands his ground. In a surprising twist Eric bites himself. "We owe you wolf," he says, and then proceeds to slowly and lovingly rub Alcide's face with his own blood thereby clearing up wolf-man's injuries. Wow, that was ... intimate.

Speaking of intimacy, Bill is delivering Sookie a royal glamouring and it's devastating: "You will remember nothing of this night, nothing of me or Eric, it will be as though we never met. And you will live your life as you were meant to live it... in the sun, with others like you ... human." The glamouring of course means nothing but the delivery is everything; he is breaking up with her.

Changing the mood somewhat, Eric delivers his own break-up wishes to Alcide: "You will remember nothing of us showing up tonight or anything that happened afterward. And you will always protect Sookie, with your life, and you'll keep your hands off her, romantically speaking ... and she kind of disgusts you." Haha, this is going to be fun.

BACK at Fangtasia, Jessica is sitting in a booth nursing a drink. I guess she really has nowhere else to go because if I was very publicly beaten up in a bar by the owner's daughter I certainly wouldn't be hanging around. Hoyt has decided that her fight with Tara means that Jessica is still in love with him and he foolishly tells her as much. Oh dear twisted, deluded Hoyt, it really is time you got a clue. He says he is willing to do whatever it takes to get her back no matter how depraved and one wonders if this is what rock bottom looks like. Jessica attempts to break up with Hoyt again – "it's OVER" – but will he actually comprehend it this time?

SO far it has been a looooong night but before the sun comes up we pay a visit to Jason, who is on his couch dreaming that his late father is with him. He remembers that his dad used to call him "champ" and it's a really sweet moment. He vows to avenge his father's mysterious death but wakes up before his dad can finish delivering him a warning - argh, frustrating!

A new day dawns and it's a beautiful sunny morning in Bon Temps where Alcide has woken up in Sookie's bed (alone, dagnabbit). Her room is a sea of pink flowers and country charm and I now have a better idea of why she vomited in there last week. Wolf-man is a unit, his limbs hang off the bed and he looks like Gulliver waking up in Lilliput, but held down by a floral quilt rather than rope and nails.

He wanders downstairs to find Sookie at the kitchen table acting, well, sooky. Too depressed to retain her Southern hospitality she tells him to get his own coffee and breakfast (I shudder to think what Gran would say).

Sensing her foul mood (he sure is perceptive) he asks if there is anything she needs. "A f*ckin' normal life," she responds. Indeed, but I don't think a werewolf is in any place to help with that; the phrase "barking up the wrong tree" comes to mind (sorry, couldn't resist).

Thanks to Eric the last thing Alcide remembers is carrying Sookie upstairs for some quality time – funnily enough that moment is stuck on replay for me too. Unfortunately for Alcide, in the post-glamouring cold light of day the idea of being with Sookie is kind of gross.

"We drank a lot last night huh?" he asks, wondering how to delicately enquire about just how far they went. "Not enough," is her pithy but unhelpful response.

She then remembers that he can't remember anything so she restores his memory (you with me?).

And I guess that joke is over, which is a shame because I was really looking forward to seeing Eric's mischief deliver some much-needed comedy.

Back to the drama and with full memory restored Alcide quickly realises that a) Russell is alive b) Bill and Eric are idiots for not killing him when they had the chance, and c) packmaster JD is juiced up on V (hmmm, V juice, verjuice? There's a marketing ploy Maggie Beer didn't think of!).

All caught up in "Jackson all over again" he runs off to save the day, and hopefully his memory hasn't extended to Sookie vomiting on his shoes (I wonder if she was selective? I'm not proud to say it but I would have been).

He's out the door without so much as a backwards glance leaving Sookie alone with her shattered dreams. "Bye, I'm just going to stay here and quietly slip into a coma," she says to herself.

Poor Sook, break ups suck, even when your ex boyfriend is a dead man who you technically broke up with a while ago because you found out he was stalking you. What was that about wanting a normal life?

She heads off into work which actually is about as normal at it comes on this show. She bumps into Jason who tells her about finding their cousin at the fairy nightclub. She says they must save her because fairies are dangerous, and ugly too. Jason thinks she has really high standards but doesn't question it.

OVER to Bill and Eric, the Authority is sending them back to HQ and Bill is putting his best political face forward and being all "Lilith is awesome, I love Lilith". I think Eric put it best when he said: "Enough with this religious bullshit, Lilith can f*cking blow me."

Afraid they are heading into certain death they instead arrive to a celebration in their honour. Salome has been interrogating Russell but to no avail (does anyone really believe she is trying?). Bill and Eric have their i-stakes removed and Roman salutes their good work with the blood of an ancient Austrian haemophiliac (let's be honest, anything less would have been insulting).

Roman sends Nora off to fetch Russell so he can be staked and thus top off the celebrations, because fireworks are so passé. Bill says there is nothing he loves more than an execution, not seeming to mind that his nose is now brown. "Boy scout," says Eric. "Delinquent," he replies.

MEANWHILE Jason and Sookie are stumbling around a field trying to find the fairy nightclub and it turns out Sookie's telepathy is better than a GPS device. Once inside Alan Ball puts on his best Baz Lurhmann with a TV budget and so far so sumptuous. Sookie questions Hadley while acrobatic dancers bump and grind in the background; Hadley turns out not to be the font of information she was hoping for (what a shock!).

Sookie and Jason then meet Claude and his fairy sisters, the Claudettes. Claude has information on the death of their parents and he reluctantly tells her it was a vampire, not the natural freak flooding they have always believed it to be. The vampire was apparently attracted to a bloody bandaid in the backseat of the car (Sookie's of course). The upshot is that their death was caused by Sookie and she quite understandably doesn't like this explanation and gets all zappy fingered. Tragically she didn't clue in to the fact that her microwave fingers are a fairy trait and that she of course is now surrounded by fairies. D'oh! The Claudes (yes, plural) point their own glowy fingers at her and it starts to look like a Jackson Five film clip.

BEFORE we find out what happens to Sookie we are taken back to the Authority where Rusty is being brought out to meet his maker. Salome drags him past Nora's cell where Eric is trying to get some sense out of her. Give up Eric, that Sanguinista ship has sailed.

Russell enters the party spewing his anti-Lilith agenda and it has to be said he is making sense (except for the part where he wants to eat humans). With flourish Roman presses his iPhone and ... nothing, the i-stake app fails. He must be with Vodafone. A gleeful Russell takes the opportunity to turn the tables and, screaming "peace is for pussy cats" (or something to that effect) ... SPLAT ... he stakes Roman.

WOW. I actually really didn't see that one coming.

We end with Nora in her cell, arms wide open, heart pointed to the sky. She says "praise her" and Salome sheds a bloody tear.

Before we leave:

Lafayette visits his mother Ruby at the nursing home. She tells him of her visit from Jesus (Lafayette's boyfriend and her former carer) and warns Lala that he is in trouble; someone who may be called Dan Bartolo is coming. As he leaves she says that Jesus (the god) still loves him even though he is an abomination, which is a little harsh on fry cooks in my opinion.

Alcide visits a bar where the patrons are all wolves and it is as scary as it sounds (still not as scary as Hotshot which thankfully hasn't made a reappearance). He publicly outs JD as a V-user and challenges him as packmaster. A sassy wolfette seconds his challenge and something tells me we will be seeing her again.

Sam lives (hmmm, perhaps I should've told you that earlier). Luna is ok too. They are both recovering nicely in hospital which is quite miraculous really. Little Emma is with her grandmother and we seem to be veering into another sub plot here; just like Ifrite this one is failing to set me on fire.

Not only does Sam live but he convinces Andy to let him hunt down the killers. His special shifter senses means he is better than all the world's detectives put together. They follow the scent to a weapons supply store where Sam kills the owner with a crossbow; he really is quite murderous these days, so much for the friendly collie of old.

Hoyt is last seen being dragged into the van of the shifter-hating rednecks. They saved him from being (willingly) sucked to death by a male vampire. And in answer to my earlier question, it turns out this is what rock bottom looks like.

Terry breaks up with Arlene with the unusual explanation of an evil smoke monster. Surprisingly Arlene doesn't believe him and thinks he has just gone off his meds, silly woman. They end their relationship by the pool table in Merlotte's as a sad country tune plays in the background. Sure they are no Ross and Rachel but it is quite touching all the same.

They said what?

Roman on the price of vintage blood: "It cost a f*cking f*ckload of money."

Terry breaking up with Arlene: "I'm being hunted by an evil smoke monster that wants to kill me and everyone I love."

Sookie and Jason stumble upon the fairy nightclub: "That's my sister you fairy f*ckers, bring her back here".

Russell explains why he loves feasting on humans: "I like it, it's fun, it makes my d**k hard".

Andy after narrowly avoiding death: "Jesus tits!".

Bites and pieces:

Gore rating: Medium to high. A busload of humans faced a gory death and Hoyt ends up wearing a vampire.

Nude or prude: As prudish as it gets - no sex, no nudity. The thrills were provided by the saucy fairy nightclub dancers (you don't get to say that very often!).

High point: Glamouring is fun. And Sam lives (whoops, I almost forgot him again).

Low point: Sam in a hospital gown and slippers (I wish I could forget that). And Claude, because after reading the books I was expecting something more along the lines of Brad Pitt from Troy rather than a tall hobbit.

Any particular highs and lows for you? Will Sookie be ok? And what was your favourite quote?

Most Viewed in Culture

Loading