The president announced his reelection campaign of terror this week which means that the defenseless American public will now be subjected to barrage of interviews between Trump and the media outlets he derides as fake and unfair. First up was ABC News, in which a man with his name in gold on buildings, an army of sycophants, and many private golf clubs claimed that no one in the history of the country had been mistreated worse than him. Now comes TIME Magazine, which was granted a lengthy interview in which the president revealed his reelection strategy ("cry havoc and unleash the dogs of war"). While there is much to be discussed regarding Trump's baldly cynical plan to say things to make his base angry and then target them with a bunch of Facebook ads asking for money (this is really the plan!), I've gathered you here to talk about something far more important: a little red button on his desk that summons him a Diet Coke.
TIME's Brian Bennett writes, "Along the way, he orders a Diet Coke with ice with the push of a small red button set into a wooden box on the desk, and directs an aide to fetch a copy of a hand-delivered birthday letter sent from Kim Jong Un." What in the Lenny Belardo is this? Your president is over here pushing little buttons during meetings and feeding a raging soda fix like he's cosplaying The Young Pope, except not at all young and, my God, did I really just compare Trump to Jude Law. Excommunicate me!
(Oh my God, this show.)
It's been well-documented that the very healthy president drinks up to 12 Diet Cokes a day and I can't help thinking that Trump read somewhere that Obama ate seven almonds a day and thought, "Pfft. I can beat that." Trump is 100 percent that person behind the cubicle wall next to you who is always sucking up the last dregs of a can of Diet Coke through a straw and then going "Aaaaaahhh" for no discernible reason and then cracking another one open exactly 22 minutes later. This person, no shade to Diet Coke, is an agent of chaotic evil so all of this tracks.
There's no harm in having a work snack "thing." Some people are Diet Coke desk jockeys; some people are riding the constant-bags-of-popcorn train; some people hover around the break room looking for free birthday cake (present and accounted for!). Every American work day is mostly comprised of bcc-ing your work spouse on shady emails and finding things to eat and drink. It's what the Founders intended.
But it's the button that's really got me messed up. First of all, isn't there some other button that presidents supposedly have to release the nukes or summon the Avengers or something? I feel like bringing a second button into the mix is a recipe for hijinks. Can you imagine, all you wanted was a refreshing zero calorie thirst quencher and all of the sudden Dr. Strange is making his little Burning Man fire circles in the air all over the place? I'm just saying, could this meeting be an email?
A button though? You really can't just yell into the next room for "Evil Mrs. Landingham" to bring you one of your Go-Go Juices?
Trump has literally nothing on the Resolute desk except a button for soda pop and the ghost of his disapproving father. He's really in there treating the Oval Office like it's one of those huge machines that gives you any beverage you want and requires you to key in a bunch of codes and such like you're programming a time-traveling Delorean. Who is this for? Who needs all this? Make Soda Simple Again!
As much as it's detrimental to the nation and the future of the world, you have to give it to Trump for following through on his vision of governing like little three ids in a trenchcoat. His entire day is made up of all the soda he could ever want, showing reporters pictures of his cool new plane, and yelling about things being unfair. He is basically a teenager in an afterschool special who stumbles upon a magic wish-granting ring and then learns a valuable lesson. Minus the valuable lesson part.
Presuming the button is now a permanent fixture in the Oval, one wonders what the next occupant of the office will program it for. Here's some suggestions:
Elizabeth Warren: More plans. This is the plans button. It's like the Staples "That Was Easy" button except it's not easy but it is solvable. People come into the Oval and they're like "President Warren! Magneto escaped from plastic prison!" and she pushes the button and the plan she wrote for that comes out.
Kamala Harris: This button is for times when she's having tense negotiating meetings in the Oval; when she pushes it a large photo of her looking unimpressed at a Senate hearing lowers from the ceiling. Everyone immediately gets themselves together.
Beto O'Rourke: The button just blasts classic rock. It's a radio. The button is a radio.
Amy Klobuchar: In a recent New York Times interview, Amy Klobuchar said her comfort food was a baked potato and I found it so specific and so fascinating that I dreamt about it last night. So, I've decided that her button will produce one (1) comforting baked potato. And a fork.
Bernie Sanders: Every time he presses the button, the minimum wage goes up. It's like a game on The Price is Right.
Pete Buttigieg: Pete's button triggers a new tweet by Chasten which immediately improves every American's quality of life and raises the GDP.
Me (oh, by the way, I'm running for president): My button will bring me blueberry muffins and the latest episode of Big Little Lies. Even if they've stopped making new episodes, when I press the button, they throw Meryl's wig back on, put Laura Dern in some designer clothes, and jump back in front of the cameras. This is what the American people need.
(Actual footage of me in the East Wing.)
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