Dear Liz,
Since I started my job last May, my boss "Stan" has treated me somewhat like his personal assistant, but it's getting worse lately.
Yesterday he asked me if I could "run over to the dry cleaner" and get his dry cleaning!
I was so startled by the request I just said "What?" and his face turned red. He changed the subject. I hope my unplanned reaction helped him realize that I'm not his assistant, but I'm worried that it's going to happen again.
I'm hoping Stan doesn't ask me to do any more personal errands for him, but I want to be ready in case he does.
He already asks me to get his coffee whenever we have a visitor in the office. I sometimes go to another floor in our building (my company has employees on three floors) just so I won't be there when Stan wants his coffee.
If I'm not there, he will ask someone else to get coffee but if I'm there, he always asks me.
He is a decent guy in most ways but he's living in the past. I'm not his admin assistant. I have a different job. He doesn't have an assistant, but that doesn't make his assistant-type duties my responsibility.
What should I do?
Thanks Liz!
Yours,
Audrey
Dear Audrey,
Sometimes when we're not prepared, our gut does the right thing on its own!
Your classic reply "What?" to Stan's request was the perfect thing to say.
Still, as you point out you need to be prepared in case Stan asks you take on some personal-assistant-type duty again in the future.
A good response to any PA-type request is to say "I'm not comfortable doing that, but I can help you find someone to take care of it for you."
You can help Stan locate a concierge service in your area. You can do that research for Stan, and then send him a recommendation. We're in the service economy now! There are plenty of services that will connect Stan with someone who can get his dry cleaning, buy gifts for his family members, get his lunch and take care of anything else he doesn't have time to do himself.
It's not your job to pick up Stan's dry cleaning. It's not appropriate for him to assign you the duties a personal assistant would normally take on. If the company doesn't feel Stan's job warrants an assistant, he can pick up his own dry cleaning like everybody else, or pay someone out of his own pocket to do it.
As for coffee, that's a little trickier because Stan can claim (and may believe) that he only asks you to get his coffee because you're close by. If you are the newest or most junior member of the department, Stan may feel that it's part of your job to get him and any visitors coffee for a meeting.
I don't blame you for making yourself scarce when Stan is likely to assign you coffee-fetching duties. Many, many people like Stan have not totally moved into the 21st century yet.
They still turn to the person who most reminds them of the administrator they would have if they had one, and ask "Can you please get coffee for my guest and me?"
Since you like Stan in general it will be ideal if you can set boundaries with him in the moment, as many times as necessary, until he backs off.
If that doesn't seem to be working, you can say "Stan, I like my job a lot and I appreciate you as a manager. I'm not your admin assistant though, and I'm not comfortable being viewed that way. I'd be happy to help you find someone who can take care of your PA-type duties, but I need to focus on my own job."
It's hard to speak your truth at work. It feels scary to do so, but it's only scary the first few times you do it. The good news is that it gets easier and easier with practice!
All the best,
Liz
