Dear Amy: Around two years ago you published a letter from me regarding my maternal grandfather. He sexually abused me during my whole childhood from the time I was only 6 years old. I wrote about how my mother never believed me when I told her about it … and how she made up lies to make me look bad to people and other family members.
I asked you for suggestions on what to do. You encouraged me to contact authorities.
Well, I did. My grandfather admitted everything to investigators, saying that he “thought I was enjoying it.”
Fast-forward two years. He got a plea deal in November to one count (and ALL of the other charges were dropped).
In January, he was sentenced to six to 18 years in prison.
Now for my so-called “mother.” She says it’s my fault. She said she hopes I will wake up some day to see “what I caused,” and that I have nobody to blame but myself.
She and her sisters talk about how they’re all “strong, true Christians,” and I should be ashamed of myself because THEY have forgiven him.
Amy, thank you for encouraging me to do the right thing, even if it was the hardest thing. I believe I got justice.
Never speaking to my “mom” again is just fine with me.
— Forever Healing
Dear Healing: Thank you so very much for getting back in touch.
Along with scores of readers, I am always personally (and professionally) curious about how things turn out for people after I publish their questions.
MOST importantly: Good for you! I’m relieved that the justice system served you (and society at large) in the way it is supposed to. Sadly, this is not the case for all survivors. Your family’s reaction is disheartening, but some people simply cannot or will not face the reality that they didn’t protect a victim from the monster in their midst.
I hope you will have continued healing and recovery, along with a family-of-choice that supports your efforts and your healing. Count me — and millions of readers — among them!
Your story, and your willingness to share it, will help other survivors struggling with the painful legacy of sexual abuse.
The National Sexual Assault Hotline offers free and confidential 24/7 counseling. Call (800) 656-HOPE (4673), or chat with an online counselor at the website: rainn.org.
Dear Amy: I have in recent years developed the habit of talking to myself.
My mother did (and still does) the same thing.
Is this a hereditary thing? I caught myself doing it in public the other day and saw someone staring at me as if I was crazy or mentally ill. (I’m not!)
Do you think there is there anything that I can do to stop this embarrassing habit?
— Self-Talker
Dear Talker: First of all, understand that all human beings start life basically self-narrating. Babies babble, toddlers narrate the world aloud and it’s only later in life where many of us submerge our stream of thoughts — because we are forced to.
My research on this reveals: Talking to oneself is often associated with high intelligence, it is fairly common, and it is an efficient way of organizing your thoughts. I read a quote from a software developer, who said that in his industry, “it’s not uncommon when debugging to explain the problem to an inanimate object, like a rubber duck. This externalizes our thought process, and solves the problem without having to bother one of our co-workers.”
And, as the old joke goes, talking to yourself is sometimes the only way to guarantee you’ll have an intelligent conversation.
I wish you didn’t feel so self-conscious about this habit. Understand that with Bluetooth technology, many people walk down the street talking aloud, as they conduct their cellphone conversations.
You might be able to adjust this habit by keeping a log of your utterances — either through a voice recorder or by writing them down. This will make you more aware and will help you to adjust your behavior.
Or just dangle an earbud set out of one ear and run the cord into your pocket, and people will assume you’re on the phone.
Dear Amy: “Concerned in Colorado” discovered via Google that their supervisor had a criminal past.
Sheesh, Amy. Did it never occur to you that many people share names? This could very easily be a case of mistaken identity!
— Upset
Dear Upset: “Concerned” had uncovered a news article, featuring a mug shot of the supervisor. Presumably, there was visual confirmation.
