Ostrich DG ghost.jpg
New store manager Dana Haskell slashing prices and conjuring up huge savings.
(Matt Mitchell)
Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. Roughly half of what he writes is untrue.
In spite of employee retention problems and a pesky 1,000-year curse, Dollar General store #637 in Carbon Hill has hired a new manager by promoting from within.
Dana Haskell, part-time employee and full-time apparition, was named the new store manager earlier this week. Haskell is the store's 430th and likely final manager, barring a successful exorcism.
In a press release, Dollar General's corporate office cited Haskell's dedication and punctuality as the driving force behind their decision. They also praised her unique ability to reduce inventory loss, which typically involves floating around the store and possessing the bodies of would-be shoplifters, forcing them to return the item to the shelf.
"I first realized Dana was destined for greatness when I saw her throw a can of potted meat at a customer. She missed them completely, but the potted meat landed right on the shelf where it belonged. It was the first time anyone had stocked the shelves that year," recalled Daryl Fowler, the only living human currently employed in the store. Fowler added that Haskell is one of the major reasons why he took the job. And also because his wardrobe already consisted entirely of black shirts and pants.
As a special treat, the former manager who originally hired Haskell returned to Carbon Hill to deliver the news in person. Travis Busby, now a regional manager for Dollar General, dusted off the store's Ouija board to share the big news.
"To my knowledge, she's the only employee who has never missed a shift. Heck, if I didn't know any better I'd say we built this store on her grave and inadvertently summoned her spirit to haunt these aisles until the end of eternity," stated an obviously nervous Busby as he continually checked over his shoulder.
As word spread around town, some of the store's loyal customers slowly and cautiously trickled in to congratulate Haskell on her new position.
"Please accept this half-eaten bag of Sweet Heat tater chips as a peace offering," said Joey Poe as he laid the bag down in the middle of the store. "If you release my family from the back storage room, I promise to never steal the Redbox machine again."
A few locals were not quite as excited to hear the news. Tammy Key, a former Dollar General employee, was preparing to stage a protest in the parking lot Thursday evening.
"I lost my job because of her," claimed Key. "She came up behind my like Patrick Swayze in that Ghost movie and forced me to cook meth in the bathroom."
Key later pointed out that she was previously employed by the Dollar General in neighboring Winfield, and that the police mistakenly arrested her long-haired and pale-skinned boyfriend who may or may not have been in the bathroom as well.
Despite all of her success, Haskell isn't letting it go to her partially transparent head. She opened the store as usual Friday morning by scribbling "you're next" on the building's front windows.
"What she means is, you're next to save big at Dollar General," explained Busby, as he frantically attempted to start his car.
Guests are encouraged to come down and congratulate Haskell on her promotion. The store is open until 11:00PM, but Haskell will be on hand to greet visitors until the Dollar General corporate office has atoned for their sins.
[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, the Ostrich.]