The act of ghosting, i.e. abruptly cutting off all communication, is the scourge of the dating scene… unless, of course, it’s a matter of self-preservation.
Yes, in some extreme cases, ghosting feels empowering, as one Reddit user recently discovered after suffering through a series of insufferable dates with a guy who certainly sounds verbally abusive.
“On our third date, he told me I look like I have a skin condition on my upper arms, pinched my arm to check the extra skin, called me a whale, told me that I’m easily replaceable at my job,” he recounted in a Reddit post.
The date also made a display of swiping on Tinder in front of our Redditor and told him that he wanted a long-term relationship with someone who “isn’t going to die by the time they’re 50.’”
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After wondering whether his date just had a misguided sense of humor, the Redditor eventually decided enough was enough. “I realized what he said really didn’t sit right with me, and that I had too much self-respect to let someone so flippant about making such demeaning comments about me ever have the privilege of knowing my body that way, regardless of how it was intended,” he said.
So the Redditor blocked his date’s number, blocked and reported him on Tinder, and blocked him on Facebook (“which he somehow found despite me never telling him my last name”).
“And I feel good,” he concluded.
Related: OMFG: Gay guys share their dating app horror stories
Commenters on the post endorsed the Redditor’s scorched-earth protocol.
“I’m not personally a fan of ghosting — I’d rather full-on get rejected so I’m at least afforded the luxury of some sort of closure — but assh*les like this don’t deserve it,” said one. “Cutting him off cold turkey is the best way to mend from the awful things he said and did to you.”
Said another: “He sounds like an assh*le and no one deserves to be treated like that. I would’ve done the same.”
Other responses:
“Ghosting assh*les is acceptable and applauded behavior. Ain’t nobody got time for that sort of negging in their life.”
“It sounds like he was negging you to make himself feel better and make you feel less secure. Good thing you got rid of him. That behavior is toxic.”
Did our Redditor do the right thing? Have you done similarly? Under what circumstances is ghosting encouraged? Let us know in the comments!
kossl2000
I don’t know if this counts as ghosting. If you prevent all means of communication you cant really tell if the person being ghosted tried and/or is even aware they’re being ghosted.
I have a slightly similar story. I was once chatting with a guy I really liked over grindr and we exchanged phone numbers too. Right when we were planning on meeting up he told me he wanted to rape me. I told him i didn’t like his word choice regardless of intent (because had he said rasvish instead I would have been fine with it) and he apologized in the “i’m sorry you’re offended” way and was getting pretty mean in his attempts to defend himself by focusing the blame on me. After going back forth a bit and realizing he was probably dangerous i blocked his number and all his profiles i could. He then had the nerve to text me from a friends phone more insults. While his behavior concerned me at first, it did feel a little empowering later when I realized how much it bothered him and i just hope he learned his lesson. But i doubt it. Jerks are jerks no matter what you do to them.
WSnyder
I’m not convinced this is ‘Ghosting’ by the definition I think is appropriate, although the methodology is the same [blocking, unfriending, reporting, etc]. I might suggest that this is undeniably an act of self preservation as people have the right to cut off contact from people who are toxic to their well being when the other person is aggressive, insulting, belittling, abusive, etc. I’d define ‘Ghosting’ as when someone cuts off contact with another person [blocking, unfriending, reporting, etc] for no apparent reason [i.e. the recipient of the Ghosting is passive]. In this article, IMHO, the author didn’t ‘Ghost’ the other rude guy, he just blocked his ass as he was a toxic person, not worthy of even a ‘I’m done with you’. Likely a matter of perspective in some eyes, but I think we should keep ‘Ghosting’ in a negative connotation as in that the recipient was non-deserving and person who did it should have handled it in a more mature manner [i.e. ‘Hey sorry but I don’t think we’re a good fit and I’d like to ask you respect my decision and not contact me any more’].
Brian
I’m not sure why getting rid of a jerk you barely know is considered empowering. It should be common sense. But I guess you can’t pat yourself on the back and give yourself a cookie if you’re just doing something you should be doing anyway.
Toofie
Ghosting is cutting off all contact when the other person thinks things are going well. Avoiding an A-hole is a smart move, but not ghosting.
Creamsicle
This guy would have become abusive. My abusive ex was really sweet on our first couple dates, and then quickly started criticizing me constantly. Then he started losing his temper over inconsequential things. It wasn’t long before he started hitting me.
Cutting him out of my life completely was the biggest relief I have ever felt.
ModeI
It sounds like he was negging you to make himself feel better and make you feel less secure. Good thing you got rid of him.
salv1031
a few years ago I corresponded with a guy on gay hookup site…we chatted for several weeks and we exchanged several photos back and forth. we finally decided to meet at a restaurant that was mutually convenient….I was very excited as we seemed to be simpatico on a number of subjects and “life views”
I arrived early at the restaurant and got a booth…the appointed time came and went and he never arrived…or so I thought. A short time later he called but I didn’t pick up. He left me a hateful voice mail message…he said the had come to meet me but he walked by a decided I was too “old fat and ugly” He said that he sent me pix that weren’t his only to “protect himself”. I’d sent my real current pix and I was completely honest about my stats. Why would someone do and say something so mean spirited and hateful? It’s unfortunate that it’s comes to this level. at any rate, I blocked his phone number, his email and on any of the gay sites that he appeared on.