Pinkies out and bad breath exhaled, let us celebrate the bean of inspiration, the stimulant of the masses and the lubricant of capitalism, that gut-stirring, muddy water gasoline, holding the future in its grounds and leaving expedited bowel movements in its wake, the patron cup of early mornings and all-night diners … coffee.
Pour it out and drink it up, my dudes, as recent studies suggest consuming three cups of coffee a day can lead to a longer life, reducing the risk of early death by nearly 30%.
Just as there are four elements to the universe itself and the zodiac wheel at large — fire, earth, air and water — so, too, are there four components to a perfect cup of coffee: aroma, body, acidity and flavor … and some would argue cat poop as a noble fifth, a point we’ll get to later.
National Coffee Day is celebrated — or roasted and toasted, as it were — on Sept. 29, with International Coffee Day falling on Oct. 1. In honor of those days, chains across the U.S. are treating their customers to discounts on coffee and espresso-based drinks.
Participating Dunkin’ locations are offering a free hot or iced medium coffee with the purchase of any other beverage or bakery item. Krispy Kreme customers can try the chain’s new and improved drip coffee for free on Sept. 29, no purchase necessary. Starbucks, while not offering any specific deals on coffee or drinks, will be hosting free coffee tastings at select locations on Sept. 29.
As all zodiac signs have a corresponding power color, tequila, dessert and signature scent — as well as a kind of coffee.
Read on to learn which cup corresponds to your zodiac sign.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Red eye
Ever wanting to be better, faster and never satisfied with anything other than first place, Aries is aided and abetted by the most high-octane cup of coffee under the sun. Brewed coffee bolstered with a shot of espresso? The closest to cocaine you are liable to get at Starbucks (unless it’s attached to a truck stop) and the full-steam, never-blink brew of choice for the ram contingent.
For further evidence of this need for speed, see apex Aries Pedro Pascal’s violent, viral WHAT MANIAC DRINKS SIX ESPRESSO SHOTS OVER ICE Starbucks order. Get some P … and by that, I mean heart palpitations.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Caffè mocha
Leave it to decadence-as-defiance Taurus to gild the lily and add chocolate to coffee, the closest approximation of liquid dessert this side of Turin, the city that claims to have invented the drink.
Taurus is ruled by sensuality-as-birthright planet Venus, whose domain covers chocolate, velvet, silver spoons and signature glassware — and is more ethos to anything spent or swallowed.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Cortado
Gemini represents the duality present in all nature: light and dark, sacred and profane, godly and creaturely, yin and yang, Beatles and Stones, receptive and penetrative.
In kind and in cup, the cortado — made of equal parts espresso and milk — is the embodiment of the oppositional, the complementary and the symbolically symbiotic.
On a practical level, Geminis need their coffee cut with/subdued by milk as they already talk, move, dream and drive at amphetamine speeds.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Americano
Cancer rules the fourth house of root systems, the amber lens of nostalgia and the flavor profiles of home.
In-kind, the Americano or caffe Americano was born from the taste preferences of American soldiers serving in Italy during WWII. By and large, these servicemen found the espresso served in cafes too dark and strong. To accommodate them, local cafes began serving espresso diluted with hot water, a closer approximation of the drip coffee taste of home.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Dunkin’s iced coffee with almond milk and one Splenda
In honor of Leo Ben Affleck’s go-to Dunkin’ order, we decree lions as the iced coffee of the zodiac.
Affleck’s signature beverage is, like all Leos, a little extra and oft-photographed: Fake sugar, alt milk and ice cubes melting in the face of the sun and the legendary shine of this fixed fire sign.
Leave it to a lion to take a daily ritual and a beloved hometown brand and elevate it to meme infamy and a Super Bowl commercial payday. All hail and ever melt.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Cappuccino
In the major arcana of the tarot, Virgo is represented by the Hermit card, a cloaked figure upholding the light of consciousness. Similarly, the cappuccino takes its name from the hooded style of Capuchin monks.
An earth sign, Virgo rules the sixth house of service and daily rituals, the domain of small creatures, clean corners and simple charity. In-kind, the Capuchin order lives in a manner that channels the ascetic aesthetic of St. Francis of Assisi, friend to those in need and the patron saint of wild creatures.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Cold brew
Libra is represented by the cold scales of justice and, at their best and brightest, these people smooth the difficult, balance the bitter, PR cure the problematic and harmonize the discordant, be it political or consumable.
Enter cold brew, smooth. Sweet and less acidic than its caffeine counterparts, this cup of refinement, much like the average Libra, is expensive and popular with the masses.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Kopi Luwak coffee
Scorpio is the sign of death, transformation and other people’s resources. Symbolized by the hard-to-kill scorpion, it rules over the reproductive organs and excretory system.
Luwak — or cat poop — coffee is the rarest and most expensive in the world, made from beans digested and excreted by civets, resulting in a high price tag and a smoother, less acidic flavor. Because greed is a contagion and novelty is cancer, the taste for the beans has reached a fetishistic fever pitch, and the production of these fecal beans has been industrialized, with animals being caged, force-fed and otherwise horrifically abused.
If you’re interested in drinking this literal crap, please purchase from an ethical, fair trade and 100% wild producer.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Latte
Sagittarius is ruled by drunk uncle Jupiter, he of the deep pockets, sunny disposition, betting ponies and abundant possibilities.
Similarly, the latte, a stimulant steamed with any kind of milk — breast, almond or otherwise — is a source of endless interpretation. From the ire-inducing pumpkin spice to “Taylor’s Latte” — a grande caramel nonfat version favored by apex archer and Miss Americana — to the iced matcha, there’s no limit to the lengths, depths and multi-pump flavor varietals of this number.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Doppio espresso
Nothing says all business, no bull like a double shot of espresso. Like single malt scotch, fine cigars, Cadillacs and a shining stock portfolio, there’s a brass tax, CEO, daddy/devil energy on hand with this drink order. It is pure, undiluted sugar with weak, tall cups for the short-sighted, Capricorn energy concentrate.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Ever on that next new wave, many Aquarius folk don’t even mess with coffee, preferring to get hopped up on a mixture of breath work, maté, peppermint bark and unbearable pretense.
Drinking holy water from a didgeridoo and snorting dried lion’s mane mushrooms by the spoonful, these freaks are riding high on a hoverboard above the static of the future.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Irish coffee
St. Patrick’s Day falls in the watery heart of Pisces season, and the people of the fish can usually be counted on to tie one on and pour one out with an Irish coffee.
Be it morning ritual or evening cordial, a spot of whiskey with a crown of cream is what dreams are made of — and ennui-prone water signs are warmed by.
Second place goes to this utterly unhinged and absolutely on-brand Starbucks order from Pisces Olivia Rodrigo: “A grande iced matcha latte with coconut milk, four pumps of raspberry syrup, vanilla sweet cream cold foam and strawberry puree mix into the cold foam.”
Astrology 101: Your guide to the star
- The 12 zodiac signs
- What are the astrology houses
- Here’s what each planet represents
- Sun, moon and rising signs: Get to know your Big 3
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.
