“People often ask me, ‘What do you do when you have nothing whatsoever to write about?’ Well today, dear readers, we’ll explore that subject at length.”
That’s one of my favorite quotations, from Cosmo Fishhawk, a prominent character (and newspaper columnist) in the avian comic strip, “Shoe,” as he types away in his treetop office.
Well today, dear readers, with Cosmo as inspiration, I offer more quotes and bon mots from my personal collection:
“Our meatloaf is made, not accumulated.”
For years the motto of The Doghouse carry-out on the Fallsway, Baltimore.
“Forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more.”
From a sign outside the Transfiguration Catholic Community, southwest Baltimore.
“It was funny, but I hope I never see it again.”
His dad, after attending the premiere of John Waters’ last film, “A Dirty Shame.”
“If you write a story, I’m going to throw a suitcase at you.”
The mother of a criminal defendant in Baltimore Circuit Court, trying to warn me off a column about her son.
“Never slice a bagel standing up.”
Advice from an emergency room doctor who had stitched the hands of several people wounded during bagel slicing. The doc meant that bagels should always be placed flat on a counter and sliced horizontally. And, of course, you should do this while standing.
“No matter how thin you slice it, it’s still baloney.”
From a Circuit Court judge, off the record, after reviewing claims in a lawsuit.
“If your mother says she loves you, check it out.”
Old newspaper reporter’s advice to a cub.
“Believe nothing until it has been officially denied.”
From British journalist Claud Cockburn.
“Never predict indictments or deaths.”
Advice to young reporters from the late Nick Yengich of the late Baltimore Evening Sun.
“Do not distract driver while car is in motion.”
A phrase my mother, the late and former Rose Popolo, retained from driver’s education class and oft-repeated to unruly sons.
“You can judge a country by two things — its postal service and its peanut butter.”
From my college roommate, a Canadian known as Satch.
“If you pound chicken breast and spread crabmeat on it, then broil the whole thing … tastes just like flounder!”
From a caller to a Baltimore radio talk show — Doug from Reservoir Hill — during a guest appearance by John Shields after the publication of his first Chesapeake cookbook.
“You can’t have goats and grapes on the same property.”
From Alfonso Mannetta of Little Italy, warning a prospective winemaker in Baltimore County that his pet goats will eat his vines at first opportunity.
“If you want to get ahead in this world, learn to golf.”
Advice from Uncle Gene Voci, circa 1972.
“Eat green peppers, they’re good for your arteries.”
My mother said this frequently, though she never cited the source of the claim. I recently Googled it and got this: “The potassium and fiber found in green bell peppers can help regulate blood pressure and cholesterol levels.” So there you go.
“There’s only one way to eat a corned beef sandwich — on rye, with mustard.”
From the late Seymour Attman of Attman’s Delicatessen on Corned Beef Row. I hasten to add an admonition against mayonnaise on Italian subs. Please, those of you who are doing that, just stop.
“Rich people are the worst tippers. That’s why they’re rich.”
From a pizza delivery guy in Baltimore County.
“Do not mock the afflicted.”
From a longtime Orioles fan, talking about hardcore Boston fans in the years before 2004, when the Red Sox finally broke the Curse of the Bambino.
“Never show up at someone’s house empty-handed.”
Again, my mother.
“You don’t bring beer to a party, then take home what’s left.”
My father, the late Joe Rodricks.
“If you have a tough time getting started, write a letter to someone to get in the groove.”
My advice to people suffering writer’s block.
“If there’s someone you love and you haven’t said so in a while, say it now. Always, always, say it now.”
From Chicago columnist Mike Royko, after the death of his wife.
“It was now lunchtime and they were all sitting under the double green fly of the dining tent pretending that nothing had happened.”
The first sentence in Ernest Hemingway’s story, “The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber,” one of the best openings in 20th Century American lit.
“A little bit of Danny Kaye goes a long, long way.”
Again my father, who was not a fan of that particular song-and-dance man.
“The mayor says there are no flophouses in Baltimore. Well, let’s build one then!”
From Melvin Perkins, a perennial candidate for numerous city and state offices, after three old hotels, homes to numerous pensioners, had been demolished.
“Dutch Ruppersberger is like the county he represents — large, oddly shaped and retaining water.”
My roast of Maryland’s 2d District congressman at a charity event back when he was Baltimore County executive.
“They moved Dan’s TV show from Saturday to Sunday because the orthodox community complained about too much ham on the sabbath.”
Ruppersberger’s comeback at the same roast, referencing the weekend show I once hosted on WMAR-TV.
“Today, holy mother of the church reminds us … sacred heart of Jesus.”
Pretty much all I can remember of Father Scully’s sermons from back in the day.
