Experts Share How Important Sex Is in Relationships
"Hearst Magazines and Yahoo may earn commission or revenue on some items through these links."
[table-of-contents] stripped
Behind “how long is too long to go without sex?” one of the most pressing questions for couples is: “How important is sex in a relationship?” In other words, can its frequency, type, and quality make or break a bond? If you find yourself chewing on these asks and wondering about the fate of your partnership, you’re not alone.
Meet the Experts: Mary Covey, Ph.D., L.P., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks in College Station, Texas and Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., a therapist, professor, and author of Love Every Day.
Experts say it’s very common, especially considering how hushed of a topic sex has been for so long. Below, they explain in more detail the role sex plays in our love lives—and just how crucial physical connection is.
How important is sex in relationships?
According to Mary Covey, Ph.D., L.P., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks in College Station, Texas who specializes in relationships, self-esteem, and life transitions, the real question hidden beneath the surface here is: “Am I normal?” (Covey credits Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., sex educator and author of Come as You Are and Come Together for this.)
It’s a question we all ask ourselves around friendships, income, career achievements, and more, adds Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D.,a therapist, professor, and author of Love Every Day—so it’s only natural that we would ask the same about sex, she says. It just so happens that, because sex is “the most vulnerable, tender, intimate domain of our whole lives,” Solomon adds, to anticipate the answer of said question can feel particularly anxiety- and potentially shame-inducing.
Another reason this question is so common is because, culturally, we are raised on “highly romanticized” ideas about relationships, marriage, and sex, Solomon explains. (Think: Every rom-com you’ve ever seen.) “So we have this idea and this belief that sex should be easy,” she adds—not just easy, but unchanging in the ways of desire, needs, ability, and frequency. Otherwise, you think: “I’m broken, you’re broken, or the relationship is broken,” Solomon says.
The reality is: “Sex in a long term relationship is difficult and complicated for most couples,” Solomon explains. “It’s kind of like an unfolding journey, and there are peaks and valleys.” Because that winding path is not normalized, she says so many couples assume that any sexual problems must mean they’re doomed, which only fuels anxiety around the topic, making it more difficult to work through challenges.
Covey adds that, amidst all of this pressure, crucial questions and conversations get lost. “The importance of sex in relationships depends on each individual and his or her sex drive,” she says. “However, the bigger question to address is: How have expectations around sex been communicated in the relationship?” In other words, sex, and your desires, should be an open, rolling discussion, always. That’s the only way to discover its true, subjective importance, and to avoid making negative assumptions about yourself and your partner, Covey adds.
The benefits of sex to relationships
First of all, Solomon disclaims that there is such thing as healthy platonic romances that thrive on shared experiences other than sex, be that spirituality, caregiving, friendship, or travel, for example. However, for most traditional monogamous relationships, sex is a core pillar of their bond because it’s something that isn’t shared with anyone else, Solomon notes.
That sense of specialness and the act of experiencing pleasure together does have its benefits, she says, the major one being that it can “cushion” the blow of everyday annoyances and tiffs. In other words, it can make it harder to stay mad at your partner when they forget to take out the trash (again), and easier to communicate productively about it.
“[Sex is] a pretty powerful, potent pathway toward repair, reconnection, and remembering: ‘Oh! I like you!’ We’re on the same team,” Solomon says. This may in part be due to the oxytocin released during sex, a feel-good hormone that’s been shown to enhance bonding and improve emotional intimacy in couples.
Psychological benefits of sex
It goes without saying that sex can be a straight-up good time. There are specific ways those effects can linger mentally, such as:
Self-esteem boost: Research in adolescents shows that sex has a positive effect on self-image and the confidence to discuss sex freely.
Happiness: Although the reasoning isn’t fully clear, research has found a positive correlation between sexual frequency and happiness. “It can be playful and fun, bringing the couple much joy,” Covey says.
Stress relief: One study found that consensual sex in healthy relationships can provide stress-relief by helping lower the stress hormone, cortisol. “It can be part of a routine established in the relationship as a way to connect and relax,” Covey adds. However, the study also found that sex in unhealthy relationships does not have the same effect.
Better sleep: The urge to crash after sex is common, and it’s biological. One study found that orgasms achieved with a partner were associated with favorable sleep outcomes, largely thanks to the sleep-inducing hormone called prolactin that is released during orgasm.
Physical benefits of sex
Fitness: Sex can be a workout—and one that counts! According to the American Heart Association, it’s equivalent to moderate physical activities like brisk walking or climbing two flights of stairs.
Immune function: Increased sexual activity has been linked to improved immunity in women. In addition to your vitamin C, get a weekly romp in for cold and flu season protection.
Heart health: One study linked penile-vaginal sex to lower systolic blood pressure, which therein lowers risk for cardiac disease.
Brain health: A study of over 6,000 adults linked frequent sex with better memory performance in adults at and over 50.
Potential challenges of frequent sex
There can be such a thing as getting it on too much. “Potential challenges are both physical and mental,” explains Covey. “Physically, your level of tiredness can play a role. When it comes time to go to bed, you may just want to actually go to bed.”
Privacy is also a big factor, she adds, which can be confounded by kids or roommates in the house. Painful sex is also, unfortunately, common for some people (although it’s never normal, and should be brought up to a doctor). “This can be difficult, or maybe even embarrassing to share with a partner, and can definitely impact how often you want to have sex,” Covey notes. Mentally, sex can open you up to insecurities and exacerbate them, or it can be used to avoid hashing out things verbally during a fight, she adds.
How often should couples have sex?
Sorry to disappoint you, but there is no singular, prescriptive answer to this question. Firstly, Solomon notes that it’s important to define sex as more than just vaginal penetration. That definition not only excludes queer people, but limits anyone’s opportunity to connect intimately in other ways and check the proverbial sex-having box off the list.
With that being said, sexual intimacy can be defined as any form of physical connection, from a long, steamy kiss to a romantic dance in the kitchen, Solomon says. So many of us want to meet a goal of a certain number of sex sessions per week, but both Solomon and Covey say that’s not where focus should lie.
“The only metric that matters is: How much are you enjoying the love you’re making?” Solomon says. “I really want us to move away from any conversation about quantities, and really start to challenge ourselves to have conversations of quality.”
Covey adds: “Honest and open conversation with the understanding that everyone is different will create the conditions of a long term, healthy sexual relationship.”
How to boost your sex life
If you’re looking for ways to spice up the connection between you and your partner, Covey and Solomon have a few tips:
Try simmering
If physical touch feels like it has eroded over time and only comes up to initiate sex, Solomon recommends trying simmering. Borrowed from Stephen Snyder, M.D., she says it’s a way to intentionally invite playful, non-pressurized touch back into the relationship (a butt grab while cooking dinner, hand-holding in the car), and build up to a climax—pun-intended.
Have a weekly check-in
Communication breeds connection which trickles down to sex, so Solomon recommends having a scheduled meeting that allows you and your partner to air out grievances, compliments, desires, and goals. This also prevents the harboring of resentment, which she admits is a total bedroom vibe killer.
Get in your bodies
“It’s a really big transition to go from sitting all day, staring at a screen and being immersed in work to making love,” says Solomon. To keep your mind-body connection strong, she recommends prioritizing movement, being outdoors, taking breaks from work, and deep breathing.
Schedule it
It’s often called unromantic, but scheduling sex is not a bad thing, Covey says. “Because we’re so busy, you have to prioritize sex if you want to increase its frequency,” she says.
Get rid of distractions and when in doubt, talk it out
If the bedroom is where you most often make love, Covey says it’s worth ridding it of potential distractions, like the TV and other devices. “Take time to think about your bedtime routine. Do you get into bed and immediately turn the TV on?” she says. “Have you talked about the impact of distractions on your sex life with your partner? It is a myth that as we age, sex becomes less important. However, it does change over time, and we need to be able to have open and honest conversations about these changes.”
You Might Also Like
