From a Teen’s Perspective: Stop the indecision

It’s Friday night. I’m with my friends. We’re all excited to hang out, but we haven’t picked what we’re going to do yet. Should we see a movie, get food, or just sit in a parking lot and talk? So many options, yet this is how the conversation always goes.

“What do you want to do?” someone asks.

“Oh, I don’t care,” I say. “What do you want to do?”

“I don’t care, either,” they reply. We cycle through everyone in the friend group, grilling them on what they want to do, but everyone “doesn’t care.” No one wants to make the call that will determine the path of our night.

Of course, this conversation is not exclusive to a certain situation. It seems like everytime I hang out with people, no one wants to make any decisions, myself included. We all fear choosing something that someone else dislikes. After all, why would I be selfish and choose what we do instead of doing what another person wants?

While often rooted in compassion, this collective indecisiveness needs to be stopped for the sake of everyone involved.

First off, this is a textbook example of people-pleasing (and this comes from a certified people-pleaser™). We’re afraid to voice our opinions for fear that others may not agree. I would never want my friends to dislike what we’re doing, so I feel uncomfortable choosing what we do.

However, I’ve realized that I actually feel happier when my friends make firm decisions. Not only does it help me learn more about them and their interests, it allows me to relax instead of worrying about the awkward indecisiveness. Even if I don’t love the activity, it’s almost always better than sitting around trying to figure out what to do in the first place. So the next time you worry about whether others will like your plan, remember that any plan is better than no plan.

Additionally, our friends are supposed to push each other out of their respective comfort zones. We rely on our friends to make us do things we normally wouldn’t because that’s how we grow, and they rely on us to do the same for them. Even if your friends don’t initially love your idea, it might be an opportunity for them to discover something new.

If we spend every hangout deferring to what everyone is comfortable with, we won’t make those exciting memories that are so fun to talk about later, illustrating that making decisions also builds connection among friends, as well. When everyone is finally honest about what they want to do, it’s possible to find real compromise and form deeper bonds.

Improving your decision-making abilities will also keep you more in-tune with yourself. To make decisions, you have to know what you want. When we always refuse to make decisions in favor of doing what others want, we start to forget what it is that we want. Making decisions with your friends is a great way to practice figuring out what you want and expressing it to others, which leads into my final point.

I think many of us need to gain more confidence in being assertive. There are no better people to practice this skill with than your friends. If you can learn to make decisions for your friend group — in a way that is both strong yet understanding — the more likely you are to assert your opinions at school, work, and other parts of your life where confidence really matters.

There’s a fine balance between caring about what others want and becoming a push-over. Learning how to make decisions compassionately yet assertively with your friends is an ideal way to find that balance. So the next time your friend asks, “What do you want to do?” don’t be afraid to confidently respond.

Got any topics you want me to cover? Email dylanclarklanier@gmail.com with your requests!

Dylan Lanier is a senior at Menlo-Atherton High School; his column appears weekly.

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