TikTok is known for having millions of different niche communities that almost resemble support groups or clubs. For example, there is BookTok, a space where people are free to discuss their favorite novels and share recommendations, resulting in the trendiness of specific pieces.
As we all know, TikTok is notable for its personalized algorithm, meaning that once a person starts looking into specific kinds of videos, their feed becomes tailored to that topic with a surplus of similar recommendations.
Similarly, TikTok houses what I like to call “BreakupTok,” a trend where users can discuss breakups, share experiences and give advice. As someone who enjoys reading through Pinterest quotes and relating to other people’s experiences, I love “BreakupTok” and how it allows my own experiences to feel heard and seen.
Interestingly enough, this side of TikTok can be informative as well, as it shares coping techniques and methods that may be unknown to some. One specific practice that I have seen heavily featured is “going back until you hate them.”
While the origin of this process is unclear, it is one of the most talked about techniques for healing after a breakup. The “going back until you hate them” method entails talking to your ex-partner post-breakup until you realize that you “hate” them. It suggests continuing a conversation following a breakup which will open your eyes to how much has truly changed and that you are holding onto the idea of something that is no longer.
The reality is that nothing is truly changing within such a short amount of time. Therefore, each time you go back, you are disappointed. Each failed attempt brings more clarity. It takes a lot more than one failed attempt for people to have the strength to move on, but after numerous tries filled with disappointment, people eventually build the courage to move forward and remain unfazed.
In my opinion, hate is a strong word. Rather than “going back until you hate them,” I prefer to call it just going back until you realize they no longer suit you or just aren’t meant for you.
I’ve learned that this method is all about giving the person another chance. It doesn’t necessarily mean getting back together, but rather, breaking the no-contact that typically follows a breakup and communicating more frequently instead. When you communicate routinely, you begin to see how much the person has changed, rather than the person directly involved in heartbreak.
On the flip side, it’s easy to get caught up in lust when you talk to your ex-partner every couple of months. When you break no-contact and have a brief conversation after a long time, both receiving ends are on their best behavior and can get caught up in the good updates, oblivious and or in avoidance of any flaws. This overpowers reality and causes both people to be blind to change.
I notice that when my ex-boyfriend and I break no contact — yes, it has happened — we start off so happy to hear from one another and exchange very supportive and kind words.
However, when we begin talking more frequently, we are more exposed to how the other has changed —maybe even into someone we no longer like. With this exposure comes a reminder of why we broke up to begin with.
Now, it can be difficult to separate a person from a relationship, but when you have these conversations post-breakup, they can result in your former partner treating you differently without the romantic attachment.
A big part of mourning a breakup is reflecting on memories and being caught up on how it was, not how it is. This method exposes you to and forces you to come to terms with reality, emphasizing how different things are.
This behavior is by no means perfect. One of the main cons, as commonly discussed on TikTok, is the exhaustion. Going back to someone you once loved — or maybe still love — only to be let down repeatedly takes its toll.
Accepting change is a really hard thing to grasp and accept. This experience is draining — you are trying your hardest to fix things and be optimistic towards the future, yet are met with defeat.
If you become exhausted, don’t be afraid to accept it. There is no universal way to deal with a breakup. If you no longer want to put all of your effort into something that is not working out and only makes you feel worse about yourself, then maybe it’s better to move on from the person.
Many more aspects of this method could be discussed, including its ethics, the impact on mental health, validity and more. There is also no guarantee of its effectiveness. It can vary differently for various types of people and couples.
At the end of the day, you heal how you choose to heal. If you believe that “going back until you hate them” is what is best for you and your process, then go for it. Part of the healing process is trying out different techniques and figuring out what works for you.
As long as the end destination is a learning experience and a better mindset of how to love, there is no right or wrong.
