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We’ve all done it. You don’t get to pick your family, and you also don’t get to pick your coworkers.
Sometimes we end up with a coworker we wish would find another job - and fast - or would somehow disappear into another dimension.
You can find a million ways to avoid someone, but this doesn’t solve your problem. If you want to evolve and move forward you have to find a way to work with them.
What You Gain By Not Avoiding The Matter
Moments in life that make you want to run for the hills are the very moments when you should stay put and work through the situation. These are your growth moments. If they feel like “groan” moments, that’s your cue that the situation wants something more from you.
These are opportunities to stretch yourself. These are times to flex your adaptability muscle, which can only work in your favor.
The people who are the most adaptable in life, who can figure out how to work with difficult people, are the ones that people want to be around. When people want to be around you, it enhances your influence.
Influence allows your ideas to be accepted, inspires and motivates others and this, in turn, will make you feel good.
But first, ask yourself…
Is It Them ... Or Is It Me?
You’re probably saying, “it’s definitely them.”
The more realistic answer is: it’s both of you. This is the hardest part to accept, but it takes two to tango.
Just because you can’t stand this person doesn’t mean they’re universally intolerable. Take a look at how you might be contributing to the situation.
The first place to start is being aware of the attribution bias. This is our tendency to blame our mistakes or shortcomings on external factors and other people’s mistakes or shortcomings on their actual character.
As an example, let’s say you’re late to work. The attribution bias would have you exonerate your own lateness by claiming there was heavy traffic. But if someone else is late to work though, they’re obviously lazy.
When you have a nemesis at work, your brain will play the attribution bias trick on you. This is the time to remember that it’s not necessarily their character, it might be something about their environment.
Watch out for the downward spiral effect: continually looking for evidence to confirm your dislike for them. You will find it, but this increases workplace toxicity.
You can't change other people, but you can change your reaction to other people.
You might have heard the expression, “you don’t learn patience until your patience is tested.” Similarly, you don’t learn tolerance and acceptance until your tolerance and ability to accept are tested.
Every situation is a mirror of your own emotional state. If you find yourself growing incensed or intolerant by someone’s behavior, then their behavior is showing you - like a mirror - that you have anger and intolerance inside.
This is an important point. It’s much easier to say, “You’re doing this to me!” It’s much more difficult to self-reflect and think, “Why am I reacting this way?”
What Annoys You About Them Might Hit Close To Home
We tend to judge ourselves first in life, and then make outward judgments about the world based on our own self-judgments.
Thus, it’s very possible whatever bothers you about your coworker is something in yourself you don’t like.
If you find someone intolerable, pinpoint the specific traits about the person that rubs you the wrong way. See if there’s a speck (or more) of those traits within yourself that you may have repressed.
It could also be that they remind you of someone else you don’t like and you’re transferring your feelings.
If You Both Don't Like Each Other…
If you have to work with this person, be upfront about it.
Use it as an opportunity for your own leadership development. Be honest with yourself and your colleague. It might be a good idea to have a conversation.
You might want to try saying, “We’re not getting along that great, what can we do? Let’s try to brainstorm what’s getting in our way.”
See if you can find a pattern. Are there particular topics or problems that trigger you both? Is there a particular area when tempers, impatience, and intolerance are activated?
See if they’ll meet you halfway. It’s not about them or you, it’s about how you can fix this together.
If the other person is not willing to talk it through or compromise, that’s on them. You can sleep easier knowing you made an effort. If they’re not open to it, don’t push.
This Is An Empathy Opportunity
There’s potential value in every interaction. Considering another’s point of view - and with it, their motivation - is an opportunity to practice empathy.
Even your strongest relationships take work. Best friends annoy each other. Spouses get on each other’s nerves. It’s part of life. The difference with these relationships is you typically give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
Ask yourself, “What can I take from this experience that’s going to help me grow next time?” It might sound corny, but it forces you to look for the positive in what appears to be a negative situation.
This reframe lightens the mental load and turns any “negative” situation into a cool challenge.
There is a strong tendency to avoid what we dislike. Just like any challenge, however, if you look at it as an opportunity to grow, you’ll breathe easier.
