Your Adult Child at Home: Keeping the Dynamic Healthy

Your child graduated college and maybe even started a career. You thought they were ready to be on their own and that your job as a parent—one who handles their day-to-day needs—was winding down. Of course, you always expected to be there for them when they needed you but preparing their meals, doing their laundry, and straightening their room was a thing of the past.

But then they lose their job, or they have a bad breakup and are having an emotional crisis. They need you, and of course, you want to be there for them. They might even need to move back home, or maybe they never left. How do you deal with this situation in a way that’s best for them—and you?

Your ‘Child’ Is an Adult

When your child has to move back home or remain there for longer than either of you intended, remember that your child is an adult. The dynamic you had when they were living under your roof as a teen and younger no longer applies.

Certain positive elements of your relationship might always stay in place. For example, your child will probably always count on you for love and emotional support. However, your role as a parent must morph into something different.

It will be better for your relationship and your child’s self-esteem if you don’t baby them. That means letting them make their own decisions (and mistakes!) and having them take on adult responsibilities, including household tasks. Remember that your own parents thought that you were making mistakes, and yet you survived.

Setting Some Ground Rules

If you are honest with yourself, then you will likely admit that you do not wish to return to caring for your child in the same way as when they were young. Doing so wouldn’t be good for either of you. So, I suggest the following:

• Set a timeline. If you’re going to let your child move home, first establish how long the arrangement will last. If they think they can be there forever, they might not be motivated to improve their situation.
• Define housekeeping rules. Your child should be taking care of their own room and laundry. Beyond that, assign responsibilities and create a schedule for cooking, shopping, and keeping up with the common areas.
• Determine how you’ll share costs. Can your child afford to pay rent or help with household expenses? Similar to setting a timeline, having them contribute financially might provide some motivation to straighten out their career, enter therapy, or seek solutions to their problems. If you can afford it, you might want to put away any rent they pay in a special bank account and return it to them later. For example, they might need it for a security deposit on their next rental.

Rules like these make it clear that you’re not there to wait on them. Defined expectations can prevent them from returning to their childhood habits and prevent you from becoming their primary caregiver again.