Supreme Court sides with Trump, affirming each president gets one free insurrection

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled in favor of Donald Trump on Monday, affirming what those of us who’ve studied the Constitution already knew: Each president is entitled to one free insurrection.

At issue was Trump’s name going on the presidential primary ballot in Colorado. Six voters – four Republicans and two independents – sued to remove him from the state’s ballot, claiming that the former president and current criminal defendant had engaged in insurrection, something he quite clearly did and, by his ongoing denial of the 2020 presidential election results, continues to do to this day.

Of course that belief, confirmed by a Colorado judge who found Trump did “engage in insurrection,” only applies to those who have eyes and ears and saw and listened to everything Trump said and did before, during and after the insurrection on Jan. 6, 2021.

He has been nothing if not insurrection-y.

Supreme Court wants presidents like Trump to fill their insurrection punch cards

But the Supreme Court justices must look at cases through the lens of our beloved Constitution, and somewhere in there, possibly in a footnote or maybe a part that’s a little hard to read due to parchment aging and whatnot, it clearly says: “Each president shall be granted one insurrection free of consequences. Any additional insurrections will be considered on a case-by-case basis. Upon the fomenting of a sixth insurrection, the president shall be awarded one foot-long turkey and Virginia ham sandwich.”

That makes it understandable why the high court on Monday unanimously ruled that a single state can’t disqualify a presidential candidate. A Civil War-era provision in the 14th Amendment, cited by the Colorado voters, says anyone who previously pledged to support the Constitution as an officer of the United States can’t go back into office after engaging in insurrection. 

Want to know how weird Trump is?Just read this transcript.

But it doesn’t say who should enforce that provision, so the Supreme Court justices decided that the responsibility "rests with Congress and not the States” – which is sort of the opposite direction the court took when it came to abortion rights, saying that issue is up to the states and the federal government can pound sand.

Those justices sure do keep us on our toes!

Voters will now have to decide whether insurrection is disqualifying

Given that Congress is about as good at doing things as your average raccoon carcass, Monday’s ruling all but affirms Trump has been granted his one free insurrection.

The Monday decision means voters in Colorado and across the country will have the final say on whether Trump deserves a second term and, presumably, a second chance to overthrow the U.S. government and work his way toward that coveted sandwich. (The Constitution does not mandate the type of bread, but I believe we can count on the Supreme Court to rule that the Founders would’ve wanted a crusty sourdough, with perhaps one dissenting opinion in favor of a hearty wheat.)

Trump has shown that he loves nothing more than a good insurrection

Trump has certainly not been shy about his pro-insurrection stance.

His rallies now begin with a song recorded by a “choir” of the Jan. 6 insurrectionists whose devotion to Trump landed them in prison. He continues to baselessly blame the attack on then-House Speaker Nancy Pelosi – whom he at one point confused with his Republican primary rival Nikki Haley – and he keeps saying there were no guns carried in or around the Jan. 6 attack, which would be true were it not utterly false.

The good news for Democrats, of course, is that President Joe Biden has not yet cashed in on his free insurrection. So if Democrats win full control of Congress in November, and if we must rely on Congress and Congress alone to enforce the Constitution, the sky’s the limit for Biden. Bring on the gun bans!

Rules – what are they, really? And who needs them?

In arguments before the Supreme Court on behalf of Colorado voters, attorney Jason Murray said: “The reason we’re here is that President Trump tried to disenfranchise 80 million Americans who voted against him, and the Constitution doesn’t require that he be given another chance.”

Yeah, apparently it does. I’m sure the nation's highest court will be much harder on him after the second insurrection, but this one’s a freebie. Rules are rules. Sort of.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk