Dear Amy:
I recently completed genetic testing and learned that my brother and I are half-siblings.
We have the same mother, but we do not have the same father.
Fortunately, my mother (who is in her late 80s) is still living, so I asked her about our fathers.
She said that my dad was sterile, so she and my dad used IVF to have my brother and me.
I was not too surprised to learn that my brother and I are only half-siblings because we were never that close.
The issue is my mom doesn’t want me to tell my brother. She is embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to know.
My brother has health issues, and I sometimes go to doctor appointments with him.
He continues to tell the doctors things like, “My dad had heart issues.”
I find it very hard to not say anything.
My concern is the doctors might miss something if they rely on family history.
I really think my brother needs to know.
Our mother is also in ill health, and I anticipate losing her in the next year or so.
Should I wait until she passes to tell him?
Should I never tell him?
– Unsure
Dear Unsure:
You don’t say how you know that you and your brother have different biological fathers – other than the fact that you don’t feel connected to him. Perhaps your mother filled in some details that you haven’t included here, but if she and your father used IVF to conceive both of you, you should consider the possibility that they used the same male donor for both conceptions. If so, you and your brother would share DNA from both sides of the family.
Your mother seems to have weathered this disclosure, and while she says she doesn’t want anyone to know about this, you do know, and your brother should know, too.
He has a human right to know about his own DNA. He also has health issues, where knowing about his parentage could make an important difference.
You should have a serious talk with your mother. Thank her for working so hard to bring you into the world, and for confirming this information for you. Tell her that your brother has a right to know about his DNA, and offer to tell him either on your own, or alongside her.
Give her choices: “I’ll tell him, or I’ll be here with you when you tell him. I’ll help you write a letter to him or will be on a phone call with you to support you. But he needs to be told.”
Dear Amy:
My fiance and I are planning for our destination wedding this summer. We have a small guest list and have made our plans very aware of the costs to our guests and the substantial commitment it takes to attend a destination wedding.
My mother is pretty wonderful and although a destination wedding is not her first choice for us, she is being a good sport. She and my father would prefer that we have a more traditional wedding in our hometown.
Recently, though, my mom started advocating that we should include an old friend of hers who is familiar with our wedding destination and has expressed enthusiasm about attending. I have met this woman (my fiance has not), but I am not keen to invite this extra person. When I told my mother this, she offered to pay for her friend’s trip.
I’m feeling pressured to agree to this.
What do you think we should do?
– Bumbling Bride
Dear Bumbling:
First, you should ask your mother why she is so enthusiastic about doing this. She may be responding to pressure from her friend.
And then you and your fiance should consider this (together) and take a hard pass on this whole idea, unless you genuinely want her there, which I don’t think you do.
Dear Amy:
I have to disagree with your response to “Only the Messenger,” a hairdresser who saw her client’s husband’s picture on a dating website.
You suggested that she send an anonymous message. Disturbing messages sent anonymously are even more upsetting.
A kinder thing would be to let her know the facts in a nonjudgmental way, “I recognized that someone is using your husband’s photo on a dating site.
You and he should check into this to see who is using it”. No assumption that the husband is guilty. And never bring it up again.
– A Reader
Dear Reader:
Great advice. Thank you.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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