The Saturday before Valentine’s Day, our parish hosted its annual Couples Night Out to celebrate marriage. One couple had been married a year ago, while another celebrated 59 years.
Being among them, and about halfway between, I felt as if the world’s best kept secret was holed up in that room. So many, it seems, have given up on the hope of true, enduring love being possible. But those couples present offered another possibility.
The sentiment, “Let’s grow old together,” often uttered by young lovebirds with heart-shaped stars in their eyes, points to something deep: a desire for permanence. The wish to be “the one and only” has been threaded into our hearts from the beginning.
But when life begins to gnaw at that picture of bliss and our brokenness becomes revealed, we might be tempted to give up on this grand vision.
Our evening included an inspiring talk by the Rev. Monsignor Gregory Schlesselman, who has collected a fair amount of wisdom through the years in talking to engaged couples preparing for marriage. Marriage lived to its depths reveals God, he said, adding that the more we invite God into our marriage, the more he gives, and the more he gives, the more we can love.
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He suggested we practice “beholding” our spouse, and that when we do, we allow them into the depths of our heart, and make visible “the covenant God has formed.”
“Listen in an intentional way that requires you to be silent,” he added. “There’s something deep within us that we want to be heard.” I could feel myself nodding. And then he added this surprising caveat: “We don’t necessarily have to agree.” It’s not about perfect synchronization but creating a safe place to allow true intimacy.
He also mentioned forgiveness as a key to a deeper marriage, noting that we all need it at some point; we’re all human. “Look for the opportunities to forgive,” Monsignor encouraged, adding that “mercy is the perfection of God’s love.”
Our marriages can be a light to the world, he said; a world seeking hope. “The Lord wants you to give everything to each other, because he gave everything to you.”
We left feeling affirmed in our perseverance and challenged to continue working on ways of reaching new levels of love. Not the surface kind of love, but the lasting kind that becomes possible only when we rely on the most demanding, yet truest, definition: willing the good of the other.
If we need a model, we can look to the cross.
I met my beloved at 18. We’re both 55 now and better understand the phrase about growing old together. The gray hairs are showing, our bodies have seen better days, and our hearts have been racked with worry at times. But love has grown stronger, and somehow, despite enduring some very dark hours, it has been worth it all.
When everything else sinks into the earth, what endures? Love. True love is eternal and worth fighting for.
The Trust Project
