Infidelity is by far, one of the most common issues that we help couples successfully navigate in our coaching practice. In 2019, the BBC did a report that estimated nearly 75% of modern couples deal with infidelity at some point in their love story. This means that, statistically speaking, there is a 75% chance that you, or your partner will cheat in some form or another during the relationship. That’s a scary statistic and personally, we believe 75% is actually a conservative number given that most people lie about infidelity in the first place. Today, we are going to share three strategies to make your relationship as “infidelity proof” as possible.
Strategy No. 1: Relate to infidelity the same way that you would relate to heart disease, cancer, Type 2 diabetes or any other health condition that long-term, preventive lifestyle changes can help prevent. The medical world has pinpointed a number of factors, separate from genes and good luck, that help prevent degenerative diseases. Infidelity is no different. What this means is that couples need to take infidelity out of the closet and start to shine a light on it by talking about it openly — the same way we talk about increasing longevity and decreasing disease. Couples need to understand the underlying causes of infidelity, talk openly about them and then take the proper preventive measures to keep it from happening in the first place.
Strategy No. 2: Understand the underlying causes of infidelity. While the cultural narrative reduces this profoundly complicated issue to a matter of “morals” and “if you really love someone, you won’t cheat;” there are more complicated root causes of infidelity that need to be understood and addressed in a relationship. While there are many reasons people stray — far too many to discuss in a short column — we want to focus on the most common reasons we see with our clients, specifically as they relate to long-term relationships of at least one year.
The first reason is a lack of awareness or understanding of each of your natural needs for safety and security, and also novelty and adventure. Every one of us needs a balance of both in our lives. Some need more safety and security, while others need more novelty, risk and adventure. Do you know where you fall on that spectrum? What about your partner? Being aware of this, and being able to talk openly about it with your partner is paramount. Especially if there is a mismatch between the two of you, which there usually is in most relationships. This problem can be addressed preventively through understanding and the creation of ways for both of those needs to be met for each person.
The second and more common reason why people cheat is a desire on the part of the person who strays to rediscover a part of themselves that they feel they've lost within the confines of a long-term intimacy. A feeling of being autonomous; of being freshly desired by new eyes and hearts; a feeling of validation; the thrill of the unknown and a taste of the forbidden. These are feelings that many individuals struggle to experience inside the familiarity, safety and security of a long-term relationship. They can have tremendous, seductive power over us if we lack the self-awareness to catch them for what they are, or if we don’t have the safe space to talk about them with our partners, or the means to express them in a healthy and mutually respectful way.
Strategy No. 3: “Infidelity proof” your relationship by making it a rule that nothing is off-limits to talk about, no matter how challenging it may be to discuss. Preventive medicine is all about lifestyle choices, day-in and day-out. Being able to address complicated issues like a desire for more novelty, autonomy or needs and desires that may involve others, even if never acted upon, can be very difficult to talk about. However, these are real and prevalent issues that surface in virtually all modern love stories and the alternative to talking openly about them is to lie about them and cheat. Permission to speak freely and honestly, no matter how hard it may be is a key foundational way of being in intimacy with each other that will help strengthen your relationship and weaken the temptations of infidelity.
Bonus tip: Come up with creative solutions. We must get creative with ourselves and our partners and come up with solutions and structures that address each person’s needs. For each couple this will be different, but each couple needs to address this head-on, hand-in-hand, as a team working to take proper preventive care of the long-term health of their intimacy.