My world came crashing down when my wife pocket-dialled me
DEAR DEIDRE: My wife pocket-dialled me while she was getting intimate with her ex – hearing it made me want to throw up.
I thought if I confronted her she’d beg for forgiveness. Instead, she’s said she isn’t sure she wants to continue with our marriage. I’m reeling.
I’m 45 and she’s 43. We’ve been married for 14 years and have two daughters, aged 12 and ten.
Until recently, I believed our marriage was a happy one. But then my wife went to a reunion of college friends, where she met an ex.
She told me they’d reconnected and become friends, but I didn’t suspect anything. Then, last week, she told me she was going to meet her girlfriends for a drink.
Later, she rang from the pub to say I shouldn’t wait up as she was going to be home later than planned.
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But she didn’t put the phone down properly. About half an hour later, I heard the unmistakable sounds of a couple getting very physical.
I recognised my wife’s groans and then heard a male voice. She clearly wasn’t in the pub any longer.
When she got home, I was still awake. I felt too shocked and sick to sleep. I came straight out with what I’d heard.
She apologised for hurting me, but said she had been unhappy for years and meeting her ex had made her realise what she was missing. She doesn’t think she loves me and says we should divorce.
I still love her, despite the cheating, and don’t want to lose my kids.
I wish I’d pretended I hadn’t heard anything and just stayed silent.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: The way you found out your wife is cheating was shocking. But you couldn’t have ignored it. You’d simply have delayed the inevitable.
Turning a blind eye to this discovery would not eliminate it. Instead, it would fester at the heart of your marriage and affect your whole family.
Your wife’s affair is a symptom of her unhappiness. If you want to save your marriage, you need to talk to her and explain you want to try to repair your relationship, if possible.
Say you don’t want to break up your family. Relationship counselling could help you, if she’ll agree. If she won’t, talking to a counsellor will help you as you go your separate ways.
For details on how to get support, visit tavistockrelationships.org. My support packs, Counselling and Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, explain more.