I'm'm a very hairy man. When I was born, the nurse gave me a banana instead of a bottle. It got worse as I got older. I was once asked at a fancy dress party if I had come as Chewbacca - I knew then that the off-the-shoulder Chanel number had been the wrong choice entirely.
What has this got to do with sports betting, I hear you ask?
Well, scientists have discovered that we get our gambling instincts from chimpanzees (it's something to do with risk taking when feeding). The thing is, not even a monkey would have picked Walsall to beat Leeds United at Elland Road last Saturday. I did.
In mitigation, I will say that we are entering a time of the season when it becomes almost impossible to predict what is going to happen. Take Aston Villa against Sunderland last weekend. Villa had gone six unbeaten at home before the visit of Roy Keane's men while Sunderland hadn't emerged victorious from a Premier League away game since 2000. More proof? Bristol City are second in the Coca-Cola Championship but haven't won in their last five. How is that so? In the Championship, at least, it suggests there is a large tranche of teams who cannot be separated.
For these reasons (and various others including despair, anger and frustration) this column has decided to dispense with science, systems, and first-goal formulae. It's back to nature and using the primeval senses - if Bubbles can pick a six-team accumulator then why can't I? So, equipped with nothing more than a monkey's paw and a bumper weekend coupon, I bring you this week's selections (okay, it's a bit more scientific than that, but not much).
Nature's first pick this week is Tottenham Hotspur to beat Newcastle at White Hart Lane tomorrow afternoon. Don't be fooled by Kevin Keegan's first win since his return to the club - the Looney Toons were, after all, playing Fulham. Juande Ramos' Tottenham owe Newcastle a hiding after a miserable defeat at St James' Park earlier in the season and the way in which they dispensed with Portsmouth seven days ago was mightily impressive.
Elsewhere, in the Premier League it appears a foregone conclusion that Manchester United are going to win the title after Grand Sham Sunday and their record against Aston Villa is as good as it gets. Villa were slipshod in defeat to Sunderland last weekend and, with little to play for, aren't expected to put up too much opposition today. Kevin Blackwell has turned Sheffield United's fortunes around since succeeding Bryan Robson as manager, so much so that they are now genuine play-off contenders with just seven games remaining. They face a tricky trip to Preston this afternoon but their season depends on this and their form has been so good in recent weeks that they can take all three points - and, hopefully, lift the monkey from my back.
My second selection is a bet which has paid out more than once this season and that's a Fernando Torres/Cristiano Ronaldo score any time double.
Selections: Tottenham (7/10, expekt), Manchester United (1/3, general), Sheffield United (9/4, bet365) Treble: 6.37/1. Cristiano Ronaldo (Evs, Paddy Power) and Fernando Torres (6/5, Coral) to score any time Double: 3.4/1 Season's profit: £271.90
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