DEAR ABBY: It seems I am a human landfill into which people dump their trauma. I’m not sure how this happened. It started three years ago, when an estranged friend called me and talked for more than an hour about what had led to him getting fired from his job. I was touched that he had reached out, and I expected us to resume our friendship, but he wasn’t interested in much more communication.
Later, a work acquaintance invited me to lunch and began unloading the awful trauma she had endured 40 years ago. It was a one-way conversation, with not even enough pause for me to politely reaffirm what was being said. We never spoke after that because I left the company.
Now, a new co-worker I haven’t made any personal connection with calls me a few times a week to “trauma dump.” I try to change the subject, but her stories of abuse and peril never stop. In fact, I can put her on speaker phone while I loudly go about my business at home, and she’ll continue talking. When she finally has had enough, she then abruptly ends the call.
I finally decided I’m done answering her calls. What can I do to ensure I am no longer seen as the trauma landfill? -- DONE WITH IT IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR DONE: This keeps happening because you are a caring, empathetic and polite person who has the patience to allow these people to dump on you. The next time it starts to happen, say this: “This must have been terrible, but I am NOT EQUIPPED to advise you about it. This is something that should be addressed by talking to a therapist” (or, in the case of the former co-worker who called you, HR). After that, be less available.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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