I want to date my friend's crush

Tuesday | April 9, 2024

Love Letters Relationships

I want to date my friend’s crush

Ask questions about dating, not dating, apps, breakups, college romances, friendships, divorce … everything.

Send a letter to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

Last fall, my friend E told me she had feelings for another friend in our group, J.

J sent me some flirty pictures in the following months, but I didn’t think much of them, and we chatted as friends. He started asking me to hang out, but I said no, making excuses every time.

Then I found out he is best friends with the boyfriend of a different friend. She encouraged me to spend time with J once, alone, just to see what it’s like. That it didn’t have to be romantic.

J and I sat for three hours just talking like friends. Then at some point he confessed his feelings for me, and I was shocked and immediately friendzoned him, not only because I didn’t like him that way but also because E still had feelings for him.

But after that, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Because of what happened, we were talking less and it didn’t feel good. One night, the entire friend group went clubbing, and I drank too much and put my hand around his waist. One of the people in our group asked me why I hadn’t done anything with J yet, and I burst into tears.

The friends took me outside and said it wasn’t fair to always prioritize E and her needs, and that I finally had to do something for myself because J was crazy for me and I would miss out on something wonderful. They told me to talk it out with E before I did anything with J, but I kept refusing and saying I was to scared to tell her anything. (For context, I’ve done all the work in group projects with E at our university. She’s had me pay her to borrow her car. Sometimes I feel like a rug for her.)

J came to me after this and consoled me too, and said he knew about everything and wouldn’t rush me into anything as long as I told E. Instead, the next day, I got together with J and kissed him.

Then, when I finally explained all of this to E, she started saying that she was going to leave the friend group and move back home. I panicked and said that if it meant her not leaving, I would stop my relationship with J.

Two days later, J said that he needed a break and he wasn’t sure if we should continue because of all the complications with E. The whole thing made me start distancing myself from the friend group. I was upset about what I did and what happened. Somehow the friends started hanging out with E more. They were upset had pulled back and wasn’t responding to texts.

I don’t know how to deal with my friends – and with J – when everyone is involved. I don’t want to be anxious around my own friends.

– A Very Bad Friend

Forget J for a second.

It sounds like your relationship with E has been a problem for a long time. You say you do all the work in your group projects with her. The car thing also sounds weird.

You’re very worried about E, but she isn’t reciprocating, it seems.

Try to set the record straight with E, if you can. You can apologize to her for not being more honest about your feelings for J. You can say you regret how this played out. You can also explain that there will be people you like who will choose be with her. Love (and crushes) are complicated. There’s a way to treat friends with respect without making a bunch of unrealistic promises.

Tell her you understand if she needs time to process what you’ve said. Give yourself space too. This is a friendship reset. Time to pick new partners for group projects, no matter what.

If you want to see your other shared friends, ask them to hang out. Tell them you miss them. You can also tell J what you’re up to – that you’ve apologized to E, and that you plan to be more assertive about your own life. Tell him what you want (to date him), and ask if he’ll join you. If not, you’ll know you tried, at least.

You might lose this group, or maybe it’ll evolve into a bunch of people who hang out less, and in pairs.

College (and life) does this sometimes. People hurt each other – unintentionally – and they need space. New groups form. People reconnect after time.

J came between you and E, but this isn’t really about him. You needed to fix what was going on with E, regardless.

You will be OK, even if the group dissolves. Just stay honest and empathetic, and be clear about what you want. Consider who else might be good company.

– Meredith

Readers? Can a friend call dibs on someone even if the crush doesn’t want to date them? What would you tell E? What about J? Did this kind of stuff happen when you were in high school and college? What about when you got older? Send your own letter to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

College 🖤 Crush Friends Friends Without Benefits Relationships

Featured Comment

“The lesson here is to confront situations immediately and with maturity. You can’t go wrong by being forthright and direct. That J-guy still likes you. E needs to grow up and move forward.”

Valentino— Share Thoughts