Balancing career aspirations and motherhood is a challenge, but for ambitious women, it represents ... [+]
More than one-third of mothers in the U.S. tell Motherly it’s possible to combine a career and motherhood, according to a 2023 survey, but ambitious working mothers still struggle with balancing both and they say they’re often burdened by mom guilt.
Leah Spielman, a technology transformation manager and mother of two from Minnesota, shares a story that resonates with many working mothers. Spielman’s pursuit of perfection and the determination to balance multiple roles in her personal and professional life often resulted in feelings of mom guilt. Spielman initially returned to work part-time after her first child. Despite the hurdles, she remained hopeful because the transition aligned with her family's evolving needs and career aspirations.
However, her workplace environment, full of judgment and unsympathetic attitudes toward working mothers, exacerbated her guilt, especially regarding breastfeeding and pumping.
"My boss's comments made me feel guilty, leading to the premature end of my breastfeeding journey," she recalls. Despite her desire to excel at work, Spielman felt the weight of mom guilt, finding herself unable to win.
Like nearly half of full-time working mothers, Spielman was driven by a deep desire to provide and fulfill her professional goals. She went back to work full-time when her children got older—but another challenging moment occurred.
“Last summer, I was working at the office and making great progress in preparation for a big presentation. It was getting late, and I had to decide whether to attend t-ball practice or stay at work,” she says. “I decided to stay at work to finish the presentation preparation. I allowed myself to have those feelings of being sad and guilty but also grounded myself in the reality that this was just one time over a long period of opportunities to attend t-ball practice. Just because I missed it once does not mean I am a bad mom.”
Unfortunately, ambition in working mothers like Spielman is often misunderstood. They're expected to prioritize motherhood above all else, yet are also pressured to excel in their careers. Perinatal mental health counselor Ashley Mahoney emphasizes how this relates to the toll of perfectionism. She notes that even the term "ambitious" can be triggering due to entrenched gender norms. Mahoney describes the weight of responsibility mothers carry, citing the viral quote, "Women are expected to work like they don’t have children and mother like they don’t work." She adds, "Constantly carrying this heavy burden of responsibility will, of course, inevitably lead to the guilt of always falling short."
"The pressure to excel in every role can be overwhelming," suggests Daniella Kahane, executive director of Women In Negotiation (WIN). Related, Sarah Baroud, a perinatal maternal health expert, identifies the myth of "doing it all" as a significant source of guilt, despite the decline of traditional support systems for caretaking. Last year, 25% of moms had no unpaid childcare support from a neighbor, a close friend, or a grandparent, according to they Motherly survey.
Ambitious working mothers are accustomed to striving for flawless performance in the workplace. As the postpartum therapist Nishe'e Moore explains, "Perfectionism impacts ambitious women because when aimed towards promotion, bonus, and retention metrics, the more polished and professional a woman can present, having enough knowledge to gain respect from men, while balancing enough personality to collaborate with other women, and a sprinkle of humanity to be a brand ambassador… the greater chances she has at achieving immeasurable success at work."
Certainly, the intersection of ambition, success, and motherhood often creates a complex and emotionally charged dynamic for many women. The prevailing societal narrative perpetuates the notion that triumph in one domain should seamlessly translate to victory in all others. Yet, the reality is far more intricate. When ambitious women extend their drive and ambition from their careers to motherhood, they may contend with guilt and inadequacy when confronted with the inherent uncertainties and trials of parenting. They struggle with understanding that there are different measures of success between their professional lives and motherhood.
In the workplace, success often manifests as quantifiable and tangible, with clear benchmarks for achievement. However, the realm of motherhood presents a distinct array of challenges and rewards, many of which are intangible and elusive to measure.
"When those means don’t render the same results, she’s met with guilt about her perceived failure, doubt in her ability to recover, and in worst cases, her self-worth," Moore says.
This internal struggle can breed a sense of failure and self-doubt, particularly if they perceive themselves as falling short of the lofty standards they've set for themselves.
Moreover, for many accomplished women, their self-esteem and identity are intimately intertwined with their professional achievements. The fear of not meeting unrealistic standards on the personal front can lead to crippling anxiety professionally, causing ambitious women to hesitate in seizing opportunities and ultimately feeling guilty for missed chances. Simply put, encountering challenges or setbacks in motherhood can also shake their confidence at work.
Recognizing and addressing these complex emotions is crucial for ambitious working mothers to find balance and fulfillment in their professional and personal lives.
Kahane advocates for reframing mindsets and cultivating self-compassion. Baroud also suggests reimagining success in both career and motherhood as an ongoing journey rather than a fixed goal.
For example, what could it look like to define success at work through professional achievements and at home by demonstrating resilience, passion, and dedication to your children?
This approach doesn’t neglect children- it shows them the value of ambition and determination. It teaches them that pursuing their dreams is important.
"Developing a kind inner voice and acknowledging limitations is crucial," Kahane asserts. Setting realistic expectations, effective communication, and building strong support networks are essential components of Kahane's approach to managing mom guilt.
Spielman says building a network of support, both at home and in the workplace, was indeed crucial in managing the guilt and stress associated with balancing multiple responsibilities.
Balancing career aspirations and motherhood is a challenge, but for ambitious women, it represents an opportunity to question conventional ideas.
"I have worked hard to keep my identity outside of ‘mom’… as my kids get older, they need me less, and I can pour more into myself and my career,” Spielman says. “You have to do what helps you be the best version of you to be the best version of you."
