Late-night hosts discussed Donald Trump apparently falling asleep and more during the first day of his criminal hush-money trial in New York.
The Daily Show
“After years of anticipation, the first criminal trial of a former president has begun,” said Jon Stewart on Monday evening, “and by all accounts it is absolutely riveting.”
The Daily Show’s Monday guest host cued a clip in which CNN’s Jake Tapper recounted New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman’s observation that “Trump appears to be sleeping. His head keeps dropping down and his mouth goes slack.” When Tapper asked Haberman to “tell us about that”, she responded: “Well, Jake, he appeared to be asleep.”
Stewart enjoyed the bit. “Hey, Jake, what part of head down, eyes closed, drool coming out of his mouth do you not fucking get over here?” he mocked.
As for Trump, he added: “Imagine committing so many crimes, you get bored at your own trial.”
For those not up to speed, Stewart issued a quick recap. “This is the trial where Trump allegedly paid hush money to an adult film star that he slept with, and then allegedly falsified business records to cover it up,” he said. Or as Trump would put it: “political persecution like we’ve never seen before” and “an assault on America, and that’s why I’m very proud to be here”.
That’s because, as Stewart noted, “Trump is always very proud to be a part of any assault on America.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s very crazy that on the Monday after OJ dies, the Trump trial begins,” said Jimmy Kimmel on Monday. “It’s almost like that’s how it had to be. They couldn’t exist simultaneously.”
Kimmel also mocked Trump’s pre-trial remarks that he was “proud” to be there. “He’s proud to be there, for an assault on our country,” Kimmel said. “He’s proud to be at his trial for paying off a porn star. Who wouldn’t be proud of that? Gosh, I only wish his parents were alive to see it.
“One thing he’s right about is when he says that there’s never been anything like this,” Kimmel continued, “because Donald Trump is the first former US president to be tried for paying hush money to an adult film star who said his penis is shaped like a mushroom. Lincoln never did that!”
The trial is expected to last six weeks or “until the courtroom sketch artist runs out of orange, whichever comes first”, Kimmel quipped.
As for Trump’s alleged nap during the trial proceedings, Kimmel couldn’t help but compare the muted reaction to what would happen should Joe Biden fall asleep during anything. “Imagine if Joe Biden fell asleep in the court on the first day of his trial,” he mused. “Trump would be calling him comatose, Fox News would be talking about this until Christmas, but not ol’ Donny Nappleseed.
“It’s nice to see that even Donald Trump is exhausted by Donald Trump,” he added.
Stephen Colbert
The official name of the trial, noted the Late Show’s Stephen Colbert, is The People of the State of New York v Donald Trump. “The people of the state of New York? That’s us!” Colbert marveled to cheers from the audience.
“I know you’re excited, but don’t cheer too loud,” he cautioned. “We need you to get picked for jury duty.
“This is an historic moment we will all tell our grandchildren about … very carefully,” he joked. He imagined the tale: “Well, there was a president who met a special actress for, let’s say, grownup movies, at a celebrity golf event and invited her over for a play date because his wife was too busy to play ’cause she had a new baby. So the actress gave him a friendly pat on the bottom with a magazine about money with his photo on it, and then they shared a special unprotected hug. Then he gave her a present so she wouldn’t tell anyone that his bathing suit area was shaped like toad from Mario Kart.”
The trial could go on for months, during which time Trump is scheduled for in-person and virtual campaign events. “That’s going to make for some awkward trial moments – ‘your honor, could we wrap this up please? Because I am late for a rally where I call for your execution. If it please the court,’” Colbert joked.
Trump used his pre-trial campaign stops to moan about the trial and a gag order forbidding his public criticism of witnesses. “They want to take away my constitutional right to talk,” he complained.
“First of all, it’s ‘freedom of speech’, not ‘right to talk’,” Colbert corrected. “And never in a trial – that’s how it works for everyone! It’s not political persecution if you have to follow the rules.”