Help! My Daughter’s Ridiculous Solution for Saving Her Marriage Is Her Problem Now.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My daughter has threatened to leave her marriage three times in the past four years. Her husband is a slob and acts like a second child (they have a 4-year-old). The last time this happened, I paid for her to talk to a divorce lawyer and we talked about her and her son moving in with me. Then my daughter turned around and said they were going to make it work. And that they were trying for another baby! I told my daughter she was making a huge mistake. Babies don’t fix people. She is already stressed out caring for her son basically by herself. I also warned her I would be moving sooner rather than later. I was tired of snow and my sisters needed help caring for our parents.

My daughter didn’t talk to me for two weeks. I apologized and apologized and apologized. I thought everything was better between us until now. My sister had a stroke and can no longer care for our parents. I am selling my house to move in with them. When I told my daughter, she exploded in anger, saying I was abandoning her and her children. She is pregnant again and it turns out her husband got someone else pregnant, too. I am completely floored by this and I don’t know what to do. I am in the process of putting my house on the market. I can’t afford two houses or to constantly be traveling between here and there. I don’t know what to do. Help!

—In a Bind

Dear In a Bind,

I wish I could ask you a series of questions about how “I told my daughter she was making a huge mistake here. Babies don’t fix people” and “I also warned her I would be moving sooner rather than later” were connected in your mind. Were you trying to communicate to her that she had a chance to move in with you, but if she didn’t take you up on the offer, you would move away instead? Were you using a potential move as a way to pressure her to leave her husband? Related: Was your daughter mad at you for announcing (threatening?) a move, or for your unsolicited advice on her marriage? Did you ultimately decide to move in with your parents because they urgently need you, or because you were frustrated that your daughter hadn’t accepted your apology? So many questions! Without knowing the answers to them, I encourage you to make the following choices:

1. When it comes to the sale of the house and the move, do what you have to do. As I said, it’s not clear to me whether this is an urgent, immediate need, but if it is, pack up and go help your parents.
2. Release the hope of fixing your daughter’s life through your advice, insights, apologies, or anything else. You can’t incentivize her to leave her husband. You can’t threaten her into leaving her husband. She’s going to do what she’s going to do.
3. Ask her what you can do—given whatever financial or geographic limitations you’re dealing with—to support her through this time.
4. Compare her response to what you would feel good about doing, given that you think she’s making bad decisions and has a tendency to lash out at you.
5. Tell her what you can offer. Again, I don’t know the details so maybe it’s money for a divorce lawyer when, and if, she needs it. Maybe it’s a plan to fix up your parents’ basement so she and her kids can come live with you if they need to. Maybe it’s $20 a week. Maybe it’s a phone call every evening to check-in. The idea is to identify something that feels good to you and helpful to her.
6. Accept that she is going through a tough time—and will probably continue to be going through a tough time for a while. If she stays married to this guy, she may not be the kindest or most emotionally stable person for the foreseeable future. Commit to being the kind of mom you want to be (and are able to be, in practical terms) rather than waiting for her choices or responses to affirm you.

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence, 

I am on the board of directors for a small theater company. One older member simply smells bad—it is body odor, i.e. no deodorant. I had to sit next to them for the first time tonight and it was pretty awful. I mentioned my discomfort after the meeting to another member and they said, “Yes, don’t sit next to them.” He is an amazing person who is intelligent, direct, etc. I feel that he would be appalled if he knew how bad it was. Someone needs to tell him. Should I tell his wife? (Who surely knows?) Should I just kindly isolate him and tell him bluntly? I am a kind person, and would be able to do this as well as anyone could—please give me some words!

—Holding My Breath

Dear Holding My Breath,

I can’t do it! I can’t give you words. I don’t think this is your place. If someone is going to tell this man he stinks, it should be someone with a closer relationship to him or a professional interest in helping him—his wife, maybe the president of the board—if the odor is causing an issue in meetings—or his doctor. For all you know, he’s already aware of it and is doing all he can to deal with it. Crack a window and choose a seat on the other side of the room next time.

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and we’re both in our early 20s (I’m 23 and he’s 24). Most of our relationship has been long-distance, which surprisingly hasn’t been too challenging. We have excellent communication. He has a great job in the city and enjoys living there with his friends, while I work in a field that’s mainly found in rural areas. Job opportunities for me in cities are scarce, and the city’s noise and chaos make me anxious. I’m open to changing careers or even being a stay-at-home mom if we decide to start a family. I understand we should enjoy the present, but I’m concerned about our future. How can we build a family if we always want to live at least 90 minutes apart?

—Country Girl With a City Boy

Dear Country Girl,

I know it feels weird to be highly calculated about love, but this is one of those situations that calls for a little math. Specifically, how old do you want to be when you start having children? Let’s say it’s 32. How long would you like to be married before that? Let’s say two years. That puts you at 30. Subtract another year of being engaged. Now we’re at 29. And subtract two more years for the “We definitely want to spend our lives together but aren’t officially engaged yet” period. That’s 27. Then subtract three more years to allow time to date around and get back on your desired timeline if you two do break up. Your numbers might be different but in this example, you’re 24 at the moment when continuing to date this guy without resolving the issue of where you’ll live might start to feel like wasting time.

Even though nothing works out exactly according to our plans, attempting to take control of your own timeline will keep you from floating along indefinitely in a relationship with no clear future. It should also provide some relief, and a little wiggle room to enjoy the relationship and continue to evaluate all the other aspects of your compatibility. So give yourself a year (or whatever amount of time your calculation leads to) to figure this out. That means you and your boyfriend have to talk about everything, obviously starting with confirming that you’re both on the same page about the goal of ultimately starting a family together if you can work out your differences.

And then you have to be honest with each other about what you’d be willing to do to compromise. Maybe he feels he’ll outgrow the city life as he gets a little older. Maybe you’re willing to see if therapy might help with your urban anxiety. Maybe you have the financial and emotional bandwidth to try a creative solution, like keeping one home in each location and visiting each other regularly. But if that year is up and you still don’t see a path forward, it’ll be time to wish each other the best and find new partners. After all, relationships are tough enough and involve many more compromises beyond basic issues like being willing to be in the same place.

I love my in-laws very much, but they have hygiene habits that nauseate me. They put their hands in their mouths and pick food from their teeth, look at the remains and then swallow the food back up again. They lick each finger and then touch all of the surfaces in my home, grab communal food with their infected hands, and often “wash” their hands without soap.