My sister-in-law is upset with me

Wednesday | April 17, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

My sister-in-law is upset with me

What’s been on your mind about your relationships? Ask anything. Send a letter to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

Last year, when I was in grad school far from home, I had a tough time. I ended up dealing with severe mental health issues. My husband had to fly over to take care of me. We have been together for nine years. His family knew about the situation.

When I got back, my husband’s brother had a new girlfriend. I met with her once. I had reservations about her, but I was friendly during our meeting.

For that summer, I did not engage much with anyone socially. I declined a lot of invitations because I felt too depressed and wanted to take the time to recover. My sister-in-law later confronted me. She said I had been rude by ignoring her brother’s new girlfriend, and that I should not share my concerns about the girlfriend with her.

I gathered that she and the girlfriend had been talking about me behind my back while I was recovering. I feel betrayed and deeply hurt. I do not want to have any contact with her, but I understand that I need to stay civil because she is my husband’s sister.

– Family

First, I hope you’ve found good mental health professionals back home. That seems to be the most important thing – that you feel like you’re getting helpful care.

As for family, it might help to separate the concerns you have about the brother’s girlfriend from the conversations you have about your own needs. It’s one thing to say, “Hey, sorry I’ve been antisocial. I’m still recovering from last year and I’ve needed time to recharge.” It’s another thing to say, “I get major bad vibes from my brother-in-law’s new girlfriend.”

One statement is about you. The other is about a woman you don’t want to deal with. It sounds like your needs got confused with your judgement of this new woman (which might be totally justified, by the way). Focus on you, not her, especially when you’re dealing with others.

Your sister-in-law can have boundaries. If she doesn’t want to hear your thoughts on her brother’s new girlfriend, that’s OK. You can find a different audience for that. The only relevant message, if is feels right to share, is that you don’t want to be rude or ignore anyone. You’ve needed some time to get better, and you hope everyone understands.

Leave the big communication to your husband. He can deal with his family and explain why you miss an event. Unless you’re super close with the sister, it’s on him to be the communicator anyway. Your bond with your husband is the most important one, right?

I understand why you feel betrayed and hurt. Just take care of yourself, focus on marriage, and when you’re ready, see how things feel with everyone else.

– Meredith

Readers? What seems tangled here? How do you explain your needs and boundaries to in-laws? Send your own question to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

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Featured Comment

“It sounds like talking about people behind their backs goes on a lot in this family. You don’t need to respond to your sister-in-law. Focus on your own mental health, and don’t get distracted by things that don’t matter.”

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