Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena and Kristin here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My mom was a hoarder. In her will, she left her house to be split between me and my brother. The city condemned the house and while it had great bones it needed a lot of cleanup and work.
My brother and his wife rent but they have small children and zero interest in working on the house. They wanted to sell their share, so I bought them out totally by the book. I did some scary refinancing and poured my life into the house for the next 18 months. I got on a first-name basis with the guys in local scrap metal businesses, tons of city workers, and everyone on home repair subreddits. I applied for every tiny obscure cleanup or sweat equity grant program there is. I ended up hiring 12 dumpsters overall. My friends and co-workers donated time and skills, and I got a tetanus shot and a broken arm, but the house is gorgeous.
My brother and his wife were understandably very busy with their kids but never so much as helped plant a shrub or paint a room. I love it and it’s the type of old beautiful house I could never have afforded without this. Since I still need to balance my budget, I’m bringing my two long-time roommates with me as renters when our lease ends. My sister-in-law recently saw the house for the first time and she won’t stop hinting about how it would be such a better place for the kids to grow up, how I can’t possibly need that much space as a single woman, and how it’s a waste to have renters when it could go to a family with kids. It’s never anything outright enough that I could say no, but it’s nonstop and my brother doesn’t join in but won’t stop it either. How do I shut her down?
—Homeowner
Dear Homeowner,
Sure, it’s understandable that your brother and sister-in-law didn’t want to fix the house. It was clearly a huge endeavor, which would have been even more challenging for them while raising little ones. But to hint that you should hand it over to them after you put in that work yourself? Not OK. Worse, the fact that she considers the house a “waste” on renters or people without kids suggests a lack of respect for your situation. Even if you didn’t put all of that immense labor into the house, it wouldn’t mean she deserves it more than you do—you bought the house from them.
First, try to talk to your brother about the issue. He’s likely keeping quiet because he’s aware of how awkward and inappropriate these comments are, and I’m assuming you have a stronger relationship with him than you do with your sister-in-law. Can you tell him that his wife’s comments make you uncomfortable? You poured your heart, soul, and health into this home, and you’re not interested in selling it again. Ideally, he would talk about this with her, but if that doesn’t seem to help, shut down the conversation next time she brings this up. You don’t have to spend a lot of time explaining yourself. A simple, “I plan to live here for a long time” will do. Or maybe, “This house means a lot to me and I’m not interested in selling.” If she keeps it up, tell her directly that her comments make you uncomfortable and you would appreciate it if she didn’t keep bringing it up. And maybe keep your distance at the housewarming.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My partner has floated the idea that I take a year off from work and finally finish the damn book I’ve been picking at since graduate school (five years ago). I am well and truly tired of my non-profit job, and I can’t seem to develop the same work/life balance I had when my work didn’t spill over into “after hours.” All of this makes my partner’s offer tempting, but I can’t convince myself that it’s a good idea.
We have twice my yearly salary (one year of partner’s) in savings. We’re on track with our retirement savings right now. We’re comfortably housed, have no car payments, and could probably become a one-car household if I stopped working which could generate another $10,000 to $12,000. We could cut back a little on what we put into retirement and IRAs, eat with less grandiosity, and stay with family when we visit them. I could also maybe make a wee bit of personal money from some of my hobby arts. In the end, I guess my question is: What else am I not thinking of? What’s most likely to bite me in the ass (other than my own insecurities)?
—The Tentative Writer
Dear Tentative Writer,
What an exciting idea, and what a supportive partner! It’s so easy to set aside passion projects, so the possibility of returning to yours must be extremely satisfying.
It sounds like you have your financial ducks in a row. You have savings, a backup plan, and the potential for side income. If you re-enter the workforce a year from now, potential employers might be curious about the gap in employment, but that also depends on your industry and it sounds like you might have freelance work that could help fill in some of that on your resume.
As for potential pitfalls, I don’t think money is the concern here—you seem to have that pretty well figured out. But leaving your job to work on your book might take a bit of an adjustment. Yes, your job keeps you from writing, but it’s also what you’re used to doing with your day. When given an abundance of time, sometimes people have trouble filling it. Some folks find that the freedom of a full-time writing schedule can oddly make it hard to get stuff done. For example, if you’re the type of person who’s motivated by deadlines, you might find it hard to get your writing done when you have a whole year to work on it. Everyone is motivated differently, but you can get ahead of these types of obstacles with some planning. Come up with daily writing goals or a long-term timeline. Consider joining a writer’s group to hold yourself accountable. Before you decide to quit, you might even consider taking a week off, if possible, to do a trial run and see how it goes.
It’s a big change, and an intimidating one to boot. A little planning can help you feel in control of the situation. But as you suggested, insecurity and vulnerability might be inevitable, and there’s beauty in that—it means you’re getting outside your comfort zone to do something you love. You’ve got this.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My partner and I are early professionals in a small city with a moderate cost of living. We don’t make a ton, but we are frugal people and are comfortably able to pay our bills, save, invest, contribute to retirement, and spend a bit on fun each month. We are now expecting our first child, and I want to do everything I can to set our family up for a secure financial future. What reasonable steps should we be taking to prepare for our child? What should we look into in terms of starting a college fund? Should we get life insurance policies? What’s the best way to start estate planning? What else do responsible people do to get financially ready for a baby?
—I Hear Child Care Is Expensive
Dear Child Care Is Expensive,
Child care is immensely expensive. People tell you this before you have kids, but I think it’s hard to grasp until you actually see the money leaving your bank account. One thing you can do to prepare for this cost, both mentally and financially, is to start deducting that amount from your monthly spending plan. In other words, if the average cost of child care in your area is $1,500 a month, set up an automatic transfer for that amount each month into a separate savings account. Think of it as a practice budget. It will help you prepare for how much you’re about to spend, but it will also give you a chance to save a bigger emergency fund. There are a number of reasons to beef up your emergency fund right now—a potential loss of income might be one of them. I’m not sure what your work situation is like, but many women pay a “motherhood penalty” when they have a child—that is, their earning potential decreases. I don’t know the details of your situation, but it might mean your household income takes a hit, and a bigger emergency fund can help you both prepare for that.
And yes, now is the perfect time to write a will. If you can afford to talk to an estate planning lawyer, go for it, but there are a handful of online services that make it easy, like WillMaker or LegalZoom. Life insurance is also a good idea if you have dependents, and here’s a good primer for getting started. If you want to start saving for your kid’s college fund, the 529 savings plan is a great option. Contributions are tax-deductible in some states, and the earnings grow tax-free when used for qualified education expenses. If you’re already using an investment firm (i.e. Vanguard, Fidelity, Charles Schwab), they have options for opening these types of accounts, and handy college savings calculators can help you decide how much and how frequently you want to contribute.
Even when you prepare for it, the cost of raising a child can be surprising. Unless you’re filthy rich, financial struggles are inevitable, but the more prepared you are now, the less you’ll need to worry about money when the little one gets here.
Dear Pay Dirt,
My 68-year-old father was recently gift-card scammed by a fake Amazon representative claiming our account was hacked. I found out mid-situation and kept him from getting further victimized but by then the financial damage had already totaled over $5,000. We decided to keep my mother out of the loop for the moment; knowing her personality, she would have been an emotional drain (i.e. victim blame) on top of my father’s self-guilt and mental health, and I needed to keep him focused on the aftermath procedures of filing a police report, calling the banks, etc.
I love my mom but to be frank, she is not great emotional support, so I still need to find him a good support group or at least convince him to find a counselor or therapist. (Any recommendations? My father tried a hotline and they weren’t helpful.) The thing is, my mother is the primary breadwinner, and they’re both planning to visit their home country in less than two months for both a wedding and family business. The plane tickets haven’t been bought yet. One of the banks has denied our dispute claim. How do we break the news to her? What else can I do to help my father?
—Wishing All Scammers Ruinous Karma
Dear Ruinous Karma,
It’s easy to think that scams only happen to other people, not us. We like to believe we’re too smart to be swindled, but the truth is, some scammers are really good at what they do. They update their tactics until they work, and most of us are more likely than we think to get duped by one. In other words, your dad is the victim here, and it’s unfortunate that your mother won’t be more supportive.
Because your dad is in an emotionally fragile space, you’re right—he would benefit from joining a support group for people who have been scammed, and the AARP might be a good place to start. They have an online program that walks victims through the emotional impact of a scam, and there are even discussion groups where they can talk through their experiences with others. Knowing he’s not alone in this might help your father process the guilt and shame. You can also try walking through the scam with your father to help him figure out how it happened—and what you can do to keep it from happening again. Chances are, you’ve already done some version of this, but having a plan to prevent him from being scammed in the future can give him the sense of control and confidence he needs right now.
It’s a good idea to talk to your mother about this alone at first. Take her aside, explain the problem, and tell her how your dad is struggling with it. If her anger or disappointment is unavoidable, ideally, she’ll get it out of her system before she confronts your dad about it directly. She’ll probably also be hurt that he hid this from her, which will make the conversation between them even more difficult. She’ll be focused on her pain, and he’ll be focused on his. Hear your mother out, and try to understand her side of things. Any extent to which you can guide the conversation between the two of them will be helpful—think of your role as a mediator of sorts. It won’t be an easy task but you’ll be racking up those good karma points—and hopefully deducting some from these awful scammers.
—Kristin
Classic Prudie
I love my in-laws very much, but they have hygiene habits that nauseate me. They put their hands in their mouths and pick food from their teeth, look at the remains and then swallow the food back up again. They lick each finger and then touch all of the surfaces in my home, grab communal food with their infected hands, and often “wash” their hands without soap.
