Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for five years. Each of us has brought up the topic of having an open marriage at one time or another.
There is nothing wrong or missing in our marriage and our intimate life is incredible.
I am wondering – is this a healthy curiosity on our parts, or are we just asking for trouble?
– Confused
Dear Confused: Discussing having an open marriage isn’t asking for trouble. Committed and intimate partners should discuss their hopes, dreams, fears and fantasies.
Longer married people understand through experience that marriage can be very hard work. Life unfolds in its untidy way, and tests commitments. Work, family, illness, and financial issues will challenge every couple.
Wondering who your spouse is having sex with tonight adds a layer of stress that a lot of people couldn’t handle.
My basic point is that if your marriage ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it by bringing other people into it.
On the other hand, if you don’t have children at home and can mutually agree to parameters that will allow you to explore your sexual and relationship curiosity with other people while still staying emotionally committed to each other, you might take the leap.
If you choose to try this, I think it would be prudent to consider or imagine what your life would be like without your spouse in it, because for many people, “opening” a marriage eventually leads to ending it.
On the other hand...
Dear Amy: I hope you’ll rethink your answer to “Devastated Husband,” because it’s not only wrong – it’s dangerous.
Five years ago, I asked my husband to consider an open marriage. We had married young and had had few experiences. I had no specific person in mind. My husband agreed to try it.
We were open for two years before we decided it wasn’t for us. When he asked that we return to monogamy, I readily agreed.
A spouse who asks for an open marriage is trying to do the right thing by being open and honest.
A partner is entitled to complicated feelings in response, but I would hope you’d encourage loving curiosity over anger. Love is about assuming positive intent and giving your partner the benefit of the doubt.
When you and others sow the idea that someone who asks for an open marriage has a secret agenda and really just wants to “stray,” you encourage unfounded suspicion and hostility. And that’s the root of domestic violence.
– Open Minded
Dear Open Minded: Thank you for telling about your own experience exploring an open marriage. I take your criticism to heart.
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You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.