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Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother has always been a difficult person, which has led me to see her no more often than once per month, because she enjoys seeing my kids. I’ll spare you all the details of her difficulty and just give the pertinent ones. She has always told and retold the same small handful of stories prompted by the same situations and reacted angrily and aggressively if you indicated in any way that you already knew the story, and she will share information about upcoming events with each of my siblings and I (I’m 1 of 6) multiple times, forgetting who she has and hasn’t already told. In the last three months, I have seen her three times and talked on the phone with her 1-2x per week, with her initiating all calls. Both the behaviors I described have been noticeably amplified in that time. She told me the same story (that I’ve already heard regularly for the last 30 years) twice in one visit and was visibly flustered and angry when I stated that she had already mentioned that today.
The phone calls have all been to let me know about dinners she’s hosting and/or an upcoming extended family event and she has seemed genuinely surprised every time I said she had already told me, and I reminded her of whether we are coming or not. I asked my siblings and they have all had similar experiences in about the same timeline.
I think it’s time to have a talk with her about memory loss/dementia screening, but I know there is no way it will be well-received. All my siblings have a similarly distant relationship with her, so none of us stands out as the best and most supportive one to speak to her and help her.
Suggestions on how to approach this with her and what to do when she (inevitably) reacts angrily and without hearing any of what we say?
—She’s Not Going to Want to Hear This
Dear Hear This,
First, I’d try to talk with your mother about this in person, not over the phone—it sounds as though you live close by, since you see her monthly. When you do speak to her about this, perhaps one of your siblings or someone else who cares about her can be there, too. I think it makes sense to start by asking your mother if she’s feeling any different or has noticed any changes in herself—maybe something has been troubling her, even if she hasn’t necessarily clocked the memory issues. After listening to her, you can raise things you’ve noticed—like her forgetting things she’s told you—in a gentle and non-judgmental way. (She might be a difficult person, but after all, she’s not forgetting things on purpose, and you do need her to listen.)
I hear what you’re saying about your relationship; any distance or strain might well make it harder for you to have these conversations. But even if she saw you as more of a confidante (or vice-versa), this might still be really hard to talk about. It’s natural for people to be confused, scared, or upset at the thought of experiencing memory loss, let alone a serious condition like dementia. You shouldn’t have to tolerate verbal abuse, of course, but try to be patient if her initial response is angry or frightened. Recognize that you and/or your siblings will probably need to try talking with her about this again—it’s unlikely she will hear your concerns, process what might be happening and her feelings about it, and accept your suggested course of action in a single conversation.
You can also think about letting her primary care physician know some of your concerns. If your mother hasn’t given them permission to talk with you about her health, they won’t be able to share information with you, but they can hear what you’ve observed. They can raise the possibility of memory loss and discuss possible evaluations and treatment with her, even if she won’t listen to you. If she has a serious condition and it advances to the point where she needs more help, her doctor can also encourage her to get a family member informed and involved.
—Nicole
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