Milo’s first words were “Zaza.”
The one and a half-year-old is the daughter of two queer parents, Jess Vanacore and Andie Vanacore, based in Reno, Nev. Jess, a white, queer cis woman, and Andie, a Black nonbinary person, run The Queer Social Podcast, breaking down all things parenting, relationships, life and more.
Jess carried and birthed Milo in August 2022, but their plan to become parents was formed much earlier in their 11-year relationship. Andie uses the title “Zaza” as an alternative to traditional parental names, while their nieces and nephews refer to them as “Nobi” (short for nonbinary).
Labels aside, what matters most to Jess and Andie is for Milo to lead her life with an open mind.
“We are a society that jumps to assumptions and conclusions without any space for somebody to tell you who they are; people just think they know who you are,” Jess said. “So, we give her the tools to be able to navigate in a way of non-judgment and non-assumption.”
This approach to parenting comes at a time when Drag Story Hour, a series where drag queens read children’s books to children, is under attack, and LGBTQ+ literature is being challenged and banned across the country.
While trans, nonbinary and gender-nonconforming people are deemed to be a threat to children’s safety, how do nonbinary parents reconcile what it means to raise kids of their own?
The small moments
Jess and Andie are not only impressed at how their daughter Milo’s first word was “Zaza,” considering how challenging Zs can be for children to pronounce, but also that she learned Andie’s pronouns quickly.
“We play hide and seek, and she’ll go, ‘Where are they?’” referring to Andie, Jess said.
The Vanacores mostly experience stares of confusion and silent judgment from older people who they suspect to be conservatives in the small city Reno. They anticipate having to navigate more complex conversations around their family when Milo begins school.
For now, the highlights of raising Milo are simple: watching her dance with Zaza. Gender is very much in the background of their lives—even when Milo gets mistaken often for a young boy, and they are OK with that.
“What we want to teach Milo is to leave [gender] back there,” Andie said. “We don’t need to take on practices that don’t ultimately benefit the human.”
Breaking the binary
As a parent, Jay Brisette hopes their kid to be open to the infinite possibilities across all identities, including gender. Brisette, a Black, queer, nonbinary parent from Los Angeles, grew up with little room over their agency around exploring gender. Now raising their child with their partner Miguel, a Mexican trans person, their wish for their child’s understanding of the world is limitless and does not need to be bound within binaries.
“I want them to hear truths that people share with them about themselves and know that those truths, whether it’s about their gender or sexuality or whatever, are only parts of a whole,” Brisette said. “No one thing defines anyone and it’s in the intersections that we really get to know anyone, ourselves included.”
Nearly five years ago, the couple was featured in a Los Angeles Times article where despite California issuing gender-neutral markers as an option for birth certificates, the Social Security Administration stepped in and made a decision on behalf of the couple’s child anyway.
For Brisette, being nonbinary and therefore spending personal time thinking about their own gender in relation to the world has given them a solid base to pour confidence into their child. They note that a more imaginative perspective is not as easily afforded to cis people as it is for trans and nonbinary people.
“Anyone living inside of any socially accepted identity means that at least that one piece of you is affirmed all day, everyday by everything and everyone,” they explained. “It means you get to choose whether or not you think about that thing and it also means you get to turn your consideration of other possibilities on and off.”
Ultimately, parenting is still about meeting the child where they are, rather than expecting them to follow suit of parents’ perspectives—nonbinary or not.
Over in the Midwest, brand new parents are finding themselves in similar positions as they are freshly kicked into parenthood.
Living in Peru, Ind., Jordan and Emmitt are freshly new parents to a two-month-old son. Jordan, a drag queen who identifies as nonbinary, is married to their trans husband Emmitt. For safety purposes, Jordan and Emmitt requested to not disclose their last names.
“We’ve talked about gender as far as you [our son] having questions in the future or any confusion that he has, but it’s not even in the top 10 things that we had concerns about in bringing another person into this world and raising them,” Jordan said.
If anything, concerns have mostly come from people on the outside who worry about their son feeling confused. But that’s not a concern for Jordan and Emmitt, either. While it’s too early to know what conversations around gender with their newborn son will look like, Jordan tells Reckon that one philosophy is clear-cut: Jordan and Emmitt are his parents more than he is their child.
“We are here to support him, guide him and help him get to where he needs to be or learn what he needs to learn, instead of projecting anything and making him see, feel or like things the way we do.”
The challenge of repeated coming outs
Mac, a nonbinary parent based in San Diego, Calif., goes by “Mozzy.” Mac doesn’t have any trouble explaining their gender to their two kids—a three-year-old and a very recent newborn.
Still, they struggle with being assumed as the mother of their kids. And despite San Diego’s rich gay history, it also happens to be a military town, which Mac points out can bring about a surprising number of conservatives.
“I have to come out every time I meet a new parent, or even when I drop my son off at school, they’re always like, ‘Say bye to your mom,’ and I have trouble speaking up because I’m just so tired.”
As their son grows up, he is learning more about traditional gender roles from his friends, TV, and other external factors outside of his family of four, which brings up mixed feelings for Mac. They tell Reckon that sometimes they feel frustrated that their oldest child is going to get ideas from places outside of his parents’ control.
Considering their nonbinary identity is important to them, Mac finds themselves straddling between not compromising who they are, while meeting their son where he is regarding all things gender. The silver lining is that he’d rather be playing with his car toys rather than overcomplicate his love for his Mozzy.
“I try to probe him sometimes to see what he wants to know or what he does know, but he seems greatly uninterested, which feels refreshing to me.”