Most people know break-up pain: you shared a life with your partner for months, even years, and there was even talk of moving in together and having a family. But suddenly everything is over. No more old love, no more shared future plans and dreams. Just like that, despite you imagining everything with your partner. The pain of separation is deep and you just don’t know how to overcome it. Even long conversations with loved ones don’t help get over the grief. But what is separation pain really? What happens in the body when you are lovesick and how is the great emotional chaos medically explained?
What exactly is separation pain?
The pain of separation is not just a romanticised feeling or a phase typical of the teenage years. It is a serious problem that can cause issues at any age. Lovesickness is a recognised illness that affects the heart and body and can arise when our emotions go crazy because we have to separate from a loved one. The medical term for lovesickness is “Morbus amoritalis”. Initially, separation pain is accompanied by completely normal psychological and physical symptoms. Our body and soul react to heartbreak with symptoms such as loss of sleep and appetite, stomach pain, nausea, dizziness, difficulty concentrating, mood swings and fears about the future. Some people behave hostilely toward others because their feelings are so hurt, or have less interest in their own environment and life. If this condition persists for a long time, the inner pain of lovesickness can, in the worst case, develop into severe depression and deprive the person concerned of the courage to live. In this case, you should definitely seek professional help.
Why do we feel the pain of separation or heartache?
Why do we suffer so much from break-up pain? We feel the grief after a broken relationship physically because “serious love sickness not only affects the soul, but also how the brain functions,” says psychologist Ursula Nuber from Munich. American psychologist Naomi Eisenberger from the University of California in Los Angeles also confirms that the neural patterns in the brain during severe social distress are similar to those of physical pain, such as those that occur when injured. “If someone feels unloved, lonely and unwanted, it also hurts physically,” says Eisenberger.
Why do separation pains hurt so much?
The physical pain is explained as follows: When we love a person, we are intoxicated with strong feelings of happiness. Being in love is like a drug that the body quickly becomes addicted to. Our body produces increased levels of dopamine—a hormone that causes strong feelings of happiness—and puts us in a state commonly referred to as happiness addiction. However, if this feeling of happiness is taken away from us, it is like drug withdrawal. When we are lovesick, the release of dopamine drops and the body reacts to it. At least in the short term, we are no longer in control of our thoughts and feelings.
How long does separation pain last? The phases of heartbreak
Processing the grief after a separation usually goes through the following five stages: denial and isolation, negotiating and emerging feelings, depression, anger and acceptance. This division of the stages of grief was largely developed by Swiss psychiatrist and death researcher Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. The theories are based on the phases of suffering experienced by the bereaved, but according to Kübler-Ross, they can be applied to any kind of grief and loss. The order of the stages of grief is not always the same. Stages can be experienced one after the other or repeat themselves and last different lengths of time for each person. Sometimes a stage is skipped completely.
In the early days after a breakup, people often tend to isolate themselves and not tell anyone about their grief because it makes the end of the relationship less real. A feeling of numbness and disbelief takes over.
What helps in this phase of denial: consciously talk about your grief with friends and close confidants. This helps to make the new situation tangible and perhaps also helps you understand it better so that you can process your grief.
The emerging feelings become increasingly tangible and the big feelings are spreading. Many people are probably familiar with this phase: you sit at home, cry your eyes out and no longer understand the world. Life without your partner is unimaginable: you hop. And then there are the physical problems. Abdominal pain, dizziness, nausea and sleep disorders are not uncommon symptoms of heartbreak.
What can help in this phase of bargaining: surround yourself with different people, throw yourself into work or find an interesting hobby to distract yourself. Even if at first you don't feel like doing anything at all and it seems inconceivable that a new hobby could be fun, it helps you overcome your pain.
This is where the pain of separation is strongest. Unfortunately, there is no patent remedy for heartbreak and no universally applicable tips: Even if you have tried everything possible to distract yourself from your heartbreak, it does not go away overnight. The worst case scenario: You yourself are still suffering from severe heartbreak and your partner is already in love again. Now you also have to struggle with jealousy. But that is (unfortunately) completely normal: because jealousy and longing are forms of heartache. If you can't find your way out of the phases of bargaining and depression, caution is advised, because the great sadness can quickly develop into serious depression if the feelings of separation pain last too long.
What can help in this phase of depression: Continue to immerse yourselves in activities and surround yourself with community. If you don’t feel any better, consider seeing a therapist.
Once the tears have dried up, a feeling of anger quickly sets in: Why do you actually suffer because of such an idiot? You're mad and angry at your ex—and that's a good thing.
What can help in the phase of anger: let the anger out! This increases your emotional distance from your ex and thus helps overcome your grief. Another tip: delete the old photos and the most painful memories—because they stir up feelings of grief in our bodies. Every time we look at a picture of our ex-partner, for example, we activate the same region in the brain that signals withdrawal in drug addicts.
Now that all of the photos from the apartment have been deleted, you are ready for a new beginning. Even if you haven't forgotten your ex yet, you can enjoy life again and look to the future.
What can help in the reorientation phase: new things! Rearrange furniture, plan a trip, meet new people or—in the classic way—make an appointment at the hairdresser.
Typical symptoms and signs of break-up pain
You should pay attention to these symptoms and signs of separation pain:
- Physical aches
- Insomnia
- Loss of appetite or excessive appetite
- Stomach pain
- Nausea
- Dizziness
- Performance anxiety
- Difficulty concentrating
- Mood swings
- Fears about the future
- Aggression
- Depressive symptoms such as isolation, depression, joylessness and lack of interest
How can I overcome the pain of separation? 7 tips against heartache
Unfortunately, there are no miracle cures for heartache. Nevertheless, we have a few tips that might help in these times. Severe lovesickness often leads to an increase in the use of drugs, alcohol or nicotine in order to suppress the unpleasant feelings. No matter how great the pain, it's better to stay away from such drugs because the risk of becoming dependent is particularly great in times of heartache.
- Do what's good for you: Treat yourself. You're going through a really difficult time right now, so anything that distracts you a little and gives you joy is allowed. It could be a new bag, a wellness weekend or that incredibly expensive designer vase that you've had your eye on for a long time.
- Don't question yourself: Okay, this tip might be easier said than done. Don't look for the faults in yourself or obsessively try to figure out what went wrong. This will only make you unnecessarily beat yourself up.
- Learn to love yourself: Big words, but let's be honest—our self-esteem is often in the dumps after a breakup, so it's important to give yourself some me-time and take care of yourself. Start exercising again, give yourself a new look or buy something nice to wear. It's important to remember that you are desirable.
- Just focus on yourself: Don't spy on your ex. Sure, it's tempting to know what they do after the break-up. But what is much more important is what you do with your new phase of life. Tip: Clear all memories from your field of vision. This helps you look forward.
- Maintain old and new contacts: During a relationship, you often only concentrate on your partner. Now is the perfect time to reach out and catch up with old friends.
- Believe in new love, but stay realistic: Even if it's difficult, don't lose your penchant for romance. Remember there is not just one great love. It is very likely that you will fall in love again soon. And the good thing about break-ups is that you learn from your previous relationships, going into the next relationship stronger and wiser.
- Give yourself time: You don't get over heartbreak overnight. Some people take longer to get over a breakup, while others are okay again after a short time. Give yourself the time you need, don't stress yourself out and don't worry if you need a little longer to process your grief.
If separation pain leads to depression or broken heart syndrome, when do I need help?
In extreme cases, a break-up can lead to the so-called broken heart syndrome. It develops from severe emotional distress. Those who suffer from broken heart syndrome suffer—among other things—from chest pain, shortness of breath and cardiac arrhythmias. Symptoms that are similar to a heart attack and can be fatal, even if only in minor cases, if you don't seek medical help quickly enough.
Broken heart syndrome is different from a heart attack. In a heart attack, the coronary arteries are closed; in broken heart syndrome, they are narrowed due to shortness of breath and physical excitement caused by a high release of adrenaline.
In addition, the social disorders and discomfort that accompany the pain of separation can be overwhelming and become a permanent condition. If you notice that you have been struggling with depressive symptoms for a long period of time, consider seeking help. Sometimes you can't get out of a situation on your own, and short-term therapy can help you.
Turn separation into something positive
In the fifth phase of heartbreak, you take all your pain, learn to accept it and move on to something new. Maybe you discovered a new hobby during your grieving phase, such as knitting, crocheting or painting, which you can now continue. You can often use these hobbies as an outlet for your pain. Over time, try to set new goals for your life that have nothing to do with your partner or other people. This is how you can find your purpose that makes you feel complete, without a partner by your side.
This article first appeared on Glamour.de
Also read:
Seven things to do when you break up
Until divorce do us part: how to end a marriage amicably
How to tell if your partner is 'quiet quitting' your relationship
