Dear Gabby,
My mom has dementia and has a full time caregiver. Despite her situation, she is almost always in good spirits. However, my cousin, who likes to visit her (great!) likes to talk to her about subjects that can make her sad, like my father who passed away (not great).
I’m glad my cousin takes the time to visit with her, and I know my cousin adored my father. He was a great guy, but I think this serves him more than it does my mother. I mentioned this to him, but I don’t think it will change his choice of conversation topics during his next visit. Not sure what to do.
Cousin’s it
Dear Cousin,
Can you pull the caregiver aside and ask them to eavesdrop while your cousin is there, and if they sense your mom getting melancholy, come in with something to change the subject, like lunch, or “naptime!” or “So, cousin, what did you do during the eclipse?” That way you have a fly on the wall who may be able to politely strong-arm the convo away from the danger zone. I think it’s worth a try.
Safeguarding the mental health of a loved one who is ill or ailing in any way is always a difficult task. Ask anyone whose illness brings out the needy in people so that the patient ends up having to console the visitor, instead of the other way around.
People have the best intentions, but as we all know, that’s what the road to hell is paved with!
Dear Gabby,
I eat most of my meals at home, but I also enjoy dining out to visit with friends and family. However, when we first sit down together, I can’t concentrate on both navigating the menu and listening to the conversation, let alone participating. I find myself so wrapped up in the menu, struggling to decide what to order, that I miss out on the initial chatter, feel like I’m ignoring my companions, then find myself playing catch up. In addition, I can be very indecisive, particularly when I’m very hungry or the menu is Cheesecake Factory length. Any tips?
Signed,
The hunger shame
Dear Hunger,
It is intimidating when a menu is longer than your car manual. However, the good news is, you can look at the menu ahead of time, spend two weeks contemplating what you’d like, and never miss one beat of the conversation dining out. However, when you find yourself on one of those, I-don’t-really-want-to-be-here kind of evenings, it is a perfect strategy to avoid the conversation and not be rude, so, good thinking!
Dear Gabby,
My cousin calls me “Cousin.” I feel like I am sitting in a Victorian parlor, listening to a victrola while the scamps play in the backyard with a hoop and a stick. Who talks that way? Apparently, they do. It drives me crazy but obviously, they think it’s a sign of affection, or cute. Should I just let it go?
Cuz
Dear Cuz,
So many cousins out today! In my humble opinion, this one is not worth it. Let it go, call them Cuz back, and see if you can find the fun in it. As you know, when you have to live in a family, you gotta let a lot of stuff roll off your back and just say, “that’s them, that’s not me” and keep moving forward.
This one’s not worth getting your knickers in a twist, just cuz.
Dear Gabby appears in the RoundTable every Monday. Yes, Gabby is an advice columnist – but not just any advice columnist. Because that would be boring! Gabby combines wisdom with wit. And a pinch of snark. She is not a trained therapist by any means, but has seen and loved many in her day. Her aim is to make you think while she makes you laugh. Gabby welcomes all questions and queries and is only too happy to hear your opinion, no matter how much it may diverge from hers. Write to Gabby at news@evanstonroundtable.com.
I just sent the following letter to the City regarding some thoughts on the NCAC’s HVAC Feasibility Study:
I just upgraded my 22,000 SF art center in Chicago, increasing usage from 40 studios to 100 studios. It cost me a little over $1.1M to increase the usage and bring it up to current code compliance, including a new roof with full insulation, tuckpointing, plumbing, heating, and new electrical service. Regarding full disclosure, I was on the Evanston Arts Council for a number of years, during which some of then NCAC upgrades were completed. My first thought for both my building and the NCAC related to the usage of the building. For 95% of the time the building is used by 10% of the tenants. I made a decision that air conditioning the entire building for such low usage is does not make energy-usage sense. Instead I maximized insulation of the roof and eliminated consideration of air conditioning. So, my maximum indoor heat without the insulation could be in the 90s. With the insulation it might hit 90 on a maximum day, but it’s only a couple of days a year and users can work around it. Also, my electrical bills are now a fraction of what they would have been with the air conditioning, possible 35% of the cost. Yes, I realize that the theater might have a need for special air handling. This could be done separately and used when needed. Again it would be an occasional cost. Also, at the time when I was on the council, the elevator was installed. We tried to get the City to extend it to the third floor for expansion of usable studio space. It would have been a fraction more to extend it up one floor. The core costs would have been the same. With more studios there would be more usage and more benefit to the community. Space is limited, but there are other issues that could be evaluated in a more holistic manner.
There are other issues that I haven’t addressed, such as tenant space usage, rental revenue, sharing more expensive / low-usage spaces with others in Evanston, and costs of City vs. Private Management.