Ask Amy: I’m tempted to miss my brother’s wedding so I don’t have to see my mother

DEAR AMY: My brother is due to get married next year and while I’m really happy for him, I’m dreading the idea of having to see my mother again.

Our mom ticks all the malignant narcissistic personality disorder boxes: Emotionally immature and dysregulated, lacks empathy, disrespectful of boundaries, etc.

I suffered horrendously growing up, but I was able to get away in my 30s by leaving the country.

My siblings have suffered in various ways, too. Our experiences growing up have meant that we are not close. This is partly because our mother has bad-mouthed us to each other over the decades.

I’ve started to heal by going to therapy and doing research into the disorder.

I’m so tempted to just not go to my brother’s wedding, but I also feel as if this isn’t right, either.

My siblings and I have never spoken about this. I don’t think they know that she is mentally ill.

I’m scared my mother will create drama and blame me while victimizing herself. It’s what she’s always done.

I’m losing sleep over it and the wedding invites haven’t even been sent out yet.

What should I do?

– Fed Up

DEAR FED UP: You should work with your therapist to assess your own risk if you attend this wedding. Children raised by “borderline” parents or those who have NPD are always on high alert. The extreme instability and genuinely frightening experiences of childhood can affect all of your other relationships.

My own advice is to work on your own boundaries and – most important – build in an “escape hatch” to any encounter with your mother.

This wedding is not the place to try to educate your siblings about your mother’s suspected disorder.

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Dear Amy: You ran a question from “The Enforcer” about a bridesmaid’s brother trying to use his sister’s online RSVP to come to a wedding uninvited, after the sister said she couldn’t attend.

Why should this matter? It’s not like he would be adding to the numbers.

– Upset

Dear Upset: This isn’t about numbers. The marrying couple should decide exactly who their wedding guests are.

Otherwise, we could all run around crashing wedding receptions.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)