A Grip on Sports: We are suffering from a malady for which there is no cure, unless it’s reruns of Super Bowl XLIX or something

A GRIP ON SPORTS • Here it is, springtime. Flowers blooming. Grass growing. Pollen sneezing. And yet an old man’s thoughts turn to football. Drafts. Practices. Transfers. National pastime, no. National obsession, yes.

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• What is it about the sport comedian George Carlin once perfectly described as “a twentieth-century technological struggle?” It has permeated our society like a computer virus, causing all types of glitches and reboots. From college conference realignment to spending the month of April obsessing over third-round draft picks, football has infected us in ways seen and unseen.

We’re not immune. Not even inoculated or vaccinated.

We spend way-too-much time wondering what the Seahawks will do Thursday with their first-round pick. (Trade it more than likely; that is John Schneider’s M.O.) We fixate on the future of the Pac-2, Washington State and Oregon State, even as we watch the M’s flail at slider after slider. (The NCAA didn’t do the duo any favors Monday by reclassifying the Pac-12.) And we read about every story we can find on spring practices, quarterbacks in new places and whatever it is Deion Sanders is doing this week. (WSU will be just fine, Gevani McCoy is finding the FBS a challenge and who the heck really knows?)

Instead of keeping track of the American League West standings, we check out the transfer portal. Instead of hiking to the top of Browne’s Mountain, we watch coverage of a spring football games. Instead of, you know, having a life, we think about a sport that drives us nuts.

And therein lies our answer. Football makes us all a bit crazy. From the RedZone to GameDay, we are brainwashed like Anthony Hopkins in “Clockwork Orange.” We become not so much fans as acolytes. Denizens of a cult. Ready to drink whatever adult beverage is thrown our way in commercials. Ready to watch patiently as our favorite team picks some guy from Indiana we’ve never heard of before but whose jersey we will be ordering on Amazon a few hours later. Ready to go to the wall for our school, no matter what happens off the field.

It is crazy enough in the fall. Always has been. But now those glazed-over eyes stare at the TV in winter, summer and even spring. Hoping for a moment of clarity about a fifth-round pick or a sophomore cornerback, all brought to us by the good folks at State Farm.

It’s a disease. And we aren’t about to treat it.

• Don’t miss Carlin’s now-ancient comparison of football and baseball. It’s the perfect time of year to watch it on YouTube or somewhere.

Makes us yearn for the days when all we wanted to be was safe at home.

• Speaking of safe at home, the Mariners have a little side-trip to Texas before they can come back to the Northwest.

Tonight is their first look at the defending World Series champions, and this year’s gold-standard in the American League West. If anyone can claim that title.

The Rangers have spent a lot of gold to be great, that’s for sure. No, that’s not a criticism. More of a jealous comment, actually. Think the Mariners could have won the World Series last year if they had spent another $100 million? Ya. We do too. It worked for Texas. May work this year for the Dodgers. Or Yankees.

But in late April, neither the Rangers or the M’s have started winning, regardless of payroll. Texas is in first in the West but are only 12-11. Seattle is a half-game behind having split its first 22 games. This week’s three-game set won’t settle anything. It will, however, set a tone. What that tone is, we can’t wait to find out.

• Do you wonder if umpire Harry Wendelstedt will be working the games? Or if baseball will suspend him for tossing Yankee manager Aaron Boone for something a fan yelled? Just kidding. We know that won’t happen.

Players make too many errors and their career disappears. Managers make too many mistakes, lose too many games and, poof, they are gone. Major league umpires? We still haven’t figured out what the threshold is for demotion. But we’re pretty sure Angel Hernandez is conducting an experiment to determine the baseline as we type this column.

Deciding to assert your authority in a misguided fashion because a fan yelled something you didn’t like certainly isn’t it. And we’ll have proof soon, we’re sure.

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WSU: If you were wondering how Cam Ward has done this spring in Miami, we have this story for you. Short version? Really well, actually. Now you get to decide whether that makes you happy or sad. It’s one of those glass-half-full-or-empty tests. Our thoughts? The glass is broken, shattered into pieces. … Elsewhere in the Pac-12 and the nation, as evidence, we submit this Times’ story on the Washington response to rape allegations against Tybo Rogers. … Did we mention America’s obsession with the NFL draft yet today? We did? Good. With USC quarterback Caleb Williams set to be the first pick Thursday, the soon-to-be disbanded Pac-12 will have more than three dozen players hear their name called over the three days. Of course, picking the right guy is never guaranteed, not at quarterback, not anywhere. … Let’s switch from football to football-related finances. In today’s Mercury News, Jon Wilner delves into the Bay Area schools’ outlook in the ACC and how the Big-12 move will impact the Four Corner schools. … John Canzano’s Monday mailbag answered some football questions. … On the field, Oregon was able to keep key players and attract some important transfers. … Oregon State took another hit to the running back corps. And at quarterback. … An Ohio State running back has run off to Boulder. … The Buffs’ opener has a new date. … UCLA was able to re-recruit one of its best defensive linemen, who is now staying. … Want to know which school has been hit most often by NCAA sanctions? It’s Arizona State, where fans helped earn the latest one. … An Arizona defender is headed to Texas, current home of a former UA assistant. … The Wildcats also welcomed another former San Jose State player. … Of course we have transfer news in basketball. Washington leads it off, with a couple more changes. … Oregon State is beginning to fill some roster holes. … So is Oregon. … The best Colorado freshman is entering the NBA draft. … USC announces an incoming player but has been mum about Northern Colorado’s Saint Thomas, who made his announcement this week on Instagram. … On the women’s side, one of Oregon’s many defections is headed to a Florida school. … A former Oregon State starter will start anew at Colorado.

Gonzaga: OK, is it just us, or is the news a walk-on is going to join the GU men next season not earth-shattering stuff? Must just be us. After all, Theo Lawson has this story. … Theo also has more recruiting news, with a Puget Sound-area player, who will play in Arizona next season, earning an offer from the Zags. … The NBA playoffs have a real Gonzaga feel this season.

Idaho: We passed along a link to this McCoy story yesterday when it appeared in the Oregonian. We linked it above as well. But why not here too? … Elsewhere in the Big Sky, we pass along a Cooper Kupp story from the L.A. Times. … Montana State a case of Senioritis. The good type.

Seahawks: Schneider’s drafts recently have been better, though, honestly, his long-run of choices after the Super Bowl runs did a number on the roster. … Should the Hawks be looking for a quarterback to groom? … Here’s a mock draft, courtesy of the News Tribune.

Mariners: As we mentioned (and linked) above, this is a big series in Texas. As big as they get in April.

Storm: Seattle made an addition to its roster.

Kraken: General manager Ron Francis has decisions to make. One of them is about the head coach.

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• The only person who can treat Footballitis Syndrome? Dr. Johnny Fever. It’s been proven in a million studies. Until later …