Attention everyone who drives (choose as many as apply to you): too fast, too slow, while texting, drunk, high, tired, aggressively, while emotional, without headlights on in the dark you imbecile, without paying attention to road signs and traffic lights, with ladders tied loosely, while holding a mattress, with your dog on your lap, or just plain stupidly: Get off the road.
Sorry. Was that not loud enough?
Get off the road!
Lemme really get your attention here …
GET OFF THE F****** ROAD YOU F****** A*******.
There. I feel better.
In the span of 24 hours last week, this happened:
A clearly drunk driver, in a white pick up, flying down Lawrenceville-Pennington Road. First was weaving over the yellow line, then careened back into the shoulder. Nearly clipped me and two other cars. This was around 7 p.m., for the record.
Me, driving around 70 MPH on 95 in the center lane, approaching the exit for Route 1 in Lawrence. I was speeding, but it wasn’t rush hour, wasn’t crowded, wasn’t anything. I was in the center lane because I just passed some cars in the right hand lane, and didn’t go over to the right because I wasn’t going to use the exit. Some guy comes flying up behind me, gets about as close to my bumper as possible, waves his hands around dramatically. Did he pass me on the left? No. He passed me on the right and then … got off the exit.
Earlier that day, I was driving in who knows where in Somerset County on a two-lane road, and some woman was driving 35 MPH in a 50 MPH zone. This goes on for miles. Unpassable, due to twisty roads and double yellow lines. Super safe driver? Yeah right. She blew through a four-way stop sign, not even a flicker of brake lights, nearly causing an accident.
Drunk idiot, fast idiot, slow idiot. All idiots.
By the way, here’s a fun didja know: According to a study done by FT.com, road fatalities in America are up 25% in the last 10 years, and are three times the rate of any other developed country.
And after parsing all the data, the author — who is a data reporter — came to a not-so-shocking conclusion: The reason we routinely die on the roads is because we generally suck at driving. We’re careless, we drive too fast, we text and drive, everything from the list in the first paragraph.
So yes: Get the eff off the road if you suck. Please.
Of course, that’s not going to happen, so how about this (choose as many as you like):
1) We tell our state and local police to have a zero tolerance policy for idiots.
2) We deputize me to pull over whoever I want.
3) We make it a crapton more difficult to actually get and keep a driver’s license; for instance, we get rid of “must know how to parallel park” and replace it with “must know how to actually drive on a highway.”
4) We double, triple, quadruple, quintuple, and whatever six, seven, and eight-uple the penalties are for texting while driving, aggressive driving, and drunk driving.
5) Allow police officers to physically cut driver’s licenses in half for people who are true morons.
And lastly …
6) Use your feet instead. You don’t deserve to be behind the wheel. And by “you” I’m talking to about 18% of people I encounter on a daily basis. Do you schmos not realize you’re going to kill someone?
Rant over. Happy motoring.
