An important life lesson we all receive at one time or another is that the words we use are important. And perhaps that’s never more true than in parenting.
It’s not something that parenting books seem to give a lot of attention to (at least not the ones we’ve read) but when you think about it, the words we use in parenting our children are very influential. Ultimately, the way we describe the world to our children can have a profound and lasting impact on their development, shaping their self-perception, worldview, relationships and behavior.
Children are little sponges and pick up on all our words as well as all the ideas they see on YouTube and social media. Our language, handed down to them, serves as a lens through which children interpret their experiences and interactions.
So one of the things we’ve observed is that there are certain terms that pop up all the time — even in young children’s vocabulary — and they carry some hazards.
Here’s an important one: “Mom, I feel depressed.” Face it, most of us have used that word in a casual way, but the truth is that depression is a diagnosable mood disorder and quite often when someone describes themselves as being “depressed” they may be feeling low, sad or just out of sorts in some way. It is hard to hear children describe themselves as being “depressed” in this way — as we have done — because very frequently, they are not suffering from any kind of depressive disorder. However, they’ve heard us adults referring to depression and that may somehow elevate the sad feeling and turn it from something we all expect to feel from time to time into a “condition.”
It’s the same thing with the concept of “anxiety.” Again, it is quite normal and human to feel anxious now and then, but most of us will get through these relatively fleeting periods of time — ahead of a test or job interview, for example — and shed the feeling of being worried fairly quickly.
And isn’t it a good idea not to build up the seriousness of these common, human feelings in the minds of impressionable children? Instead, as parents we could focus on providing context and perspective for times when our kids feel worried or sad and help them understand that these things will pass, and that there are great techniques and strategies for pushing through and bucking up.
Perhaps this issue has more to do with our own anxiety as parents. A recent article in The New York Times quoted Mathilde Ross, senior staff psychiatrist at Boston University Student Health Services, who said, “People are increasingly fearful that any normal emotion is a sign of something serious.” As parents, we ourselves are very sympathetic to these feelings. The world is a dark and scary place and it’s hard to switch off our fears for our children.
However, we’re the grownups, aren’t we? This seems to us to be yet another time when we have to contain our own feelings and provide comfort and context, rather than feeding a narrative of something more serious. Ross says, “Parents are allowing their anxiety to take over and it’s not helping anyone, least of all their children.”
We do not diminish the reality that a few children do experience true depression and anxiety, and they need and benefit from specialists’ help. Thank goodness such help is available in our community through our excellent array of therapists and mental health services. But we’re hopeful that the majority will be able to move through their times of stress, sadness and worry and come to experience the light at the end of the tunnel without resorting to a therapist.
What’s more, they will probably grow and learn from having done so. Nobody promised any of us a life of unrelenting happiness and success, and we should normalize occasional feelings of sadness or worry rather than trying to look for a cure, say, through expensive therapy.
The great thing we have in this community is resources. We have first-class counselors in the schools, we have incredible extracurricular activities and sports, we have the Buddy Program and Aspen Youth Center as well as the Aspen Recreation Department and camps, programs and interesting opportunities of all kinds. All of them work hard to be inclusive and accessible to all. So the more that we can engage children of all ages and stages in these life opportunities, the more we will see our children develop good relationships and skills, cope with adversity, pick up some coping strategies for times that are less than perfect and grow up into resilient adults.
And by choosing our words thoughtfully, we can nurture confidence, empathy and resilience, laying the foundation for a healthy and fulfilling life. Isn’t it empowering to think that as parents, we have the power to shape an important aspect of our children’s lives through the language we use?