Reddit AITA: Woman Refuses to House Husband’s Affair Child
Infidelity has a way of either making things very messy or painfully clear. For some people, finding out that a partner cheated calls for an immediate break-up, no matter the situation — what we call a dealbreaker. But if both partners try to work things out, even for a short amount of time, the back-and-forth arguments, confusion, and feelings of betrayal and jealousy can cloud the relationship and make it hard to end it or move forward. For those who to choose to stay, well, it often takes a lot of work to re-establish that trust and build that bond up again, and even then, the relationship will never be exactly the same. That’s especially true when the affair results in a baby.
“Messy” doesn’t even begin to cut it for that situation, which is what one woman on Reddit is finding out right now. She agreed to stay with her husband after an affair and an affair baby came to light — but now, somehow, it’s all getting even more complicated. With her husband asking that they take in the affair child (now older), the woman (aka our OP, or the author of the post) responded in a way that has Reddit’s Am I the Asshole? forum divided. Read the full story, Reddit’s response, and our ultimate takeaways ahead.
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The Affair Comes to Light
OP and her husband have been married for nine years, and OP had no idea about her husband’s affair until 2021. That’s when he was sued for child support by a woman he’d had an affair with shortly after the marriage — not a great way for that info to come out!
OP’s New Rules
OP said the revelation nearly ended their marriage, but instead, they ended up in couples counseling. OP agreed to stay married as long as a few key boundaries were met:
Her husband would have to get a second job to pay child support payments, so they didn’t affect the household budget. “He works two part time retail jobs now that add up to 40-50 hours a week,” she said.
OP would never have a relationship with the child. She wouldn’t stop her husband from doing so, “but I have absolutely zero interest in this kid.”
Change of Plans
It sounds like things were going OK (well, as OK as possible in this sticky situation), until OP’s husband shared some news. Starting in May, his former affair partner was going to be incarcerated for eight months.
As a result, her husband said he needed to take custody of the child. (Previously they’d been doing supervised visitation once or twice a month.) The only other option would be sending the child to live with their grandparents on the opposite coast, which would require the child to change schools and be far from their friends and parents.
OP Stands Firm
OP’s response: handing her husband a pamphlet for new apartments. “I told him I still felt the same way as I did 3 years ago,” she said — she didn’t want the child to be in her life. When her husband said it wasn’t fair considering the circumstances, OP said simply that she didn’t care about the circumstances.
“His kid is not welcome in my home,” OP wrote. “If he wanted to take custody I will grant him an amicable divorce, but I am not changing my mind. I am not taking care of some other chick’s kid.” In an edit, she also noted that she didn’t want to be the one to file for divorce because “I am not the one who created this situation… He is responsible for getting his own ducks in a row for the situation he created. That includes being the one to go through the headache of filing.”
Reddit’s Response
OP’s strong stance elicited some equally strong commentary from Redditors. Many commenters judged that either OP was not the asshole or that everyone is in the wrong here — including OP, to an extent.
But the most common sentiment is summed up in the top comment, with 14K(!) up-votes: “This marriage should have ended years ago.” Other Redditors expanded on that, explaining that they understood OP’s position but it didn’t seem like the relationship had a future. “In no way do I think it’s your responsibility to raise this child,” one person said. “But it is his responsibility. And this poor kid didn’t ask for any of it. The whole situation would be happier and healthier if y’all just split up.”
“This is the result of you staying with him after the affair,” wrote another person. OP wanting her boundaries is understandable, but “there’s no way a child existing can’t complicate your life.” If OP truly wants to stay with her husband, another commenter said, “you need to get to know his child.” If she can’t do that, the marriage isn’t going to work.
Some commenters did give OP some props for sticking to her rules, though. “I LOVE this for you! You made your boundaries clear and now he can’t keep his side of the bargain. You aren’t telling him not to be a father, but if his AFFAIR child has to live with HIM, then he can’t live with YOU.” OP replied, saying the last sentence was “basically it” and adding a crucial piece of information: “I never even wanted to have kids of my own.”
That makes OP’s position all the more valid to us. She’s under no obligation to care for or take in a child she never wanted in the first place, let alone a child that resulted from an affair that her husband kept secret from her until the child support requests came in. As another commenter wrote, “You are absolutely not responsible for helping him raise his child. However, he is very much responsible for this child. Those are the consequences of his actions. I just don’t think the proposed compromise, where you as his wife have nothing to do with his child, is realistic.”
OP telling her husband to move out in order to raise the child might be her way of pushing him to initiate the divorce — and we do agree that the best option is divorce here. OP’s need to not have the child in her life and her husband’s need to take care of the child are incompatible, and splitting up seems like the only way to put everyone out of their misery. Divorce itself isn’t exactly easy, but we think OP will come the other side in a much better place.
